The Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™: The Introduction

Introduction: I’m Smart, So Why Am I Broke? And What Can I Do About It?

Indeed. You are smart. And you are broke. Why?

You remember the ‘80s, don’t you? You were a commercial loan officer (or whatever) and you were tired of the 9 to 5 grind. You wanted to “ditch this gerbil treadmill and work for yourself”. Yep, you wanted to Get Rich and Be Your Own Boss. So after about 20 minutes of deep thought, you decided to get into Real Estate... largely because you’d seen that Carlton Sheets infomercial on cable the night before.

So you rush right out and bought Carlton’s course, listened to about half of it, and then got down to business. The first thing you did was buy a couple of properties on land contracts. The plan was to fix one up and flip it for a quick buck while renting out the second. And it might have worked if it hadn’t been for all that bad luck...

First there was the fixer-upper. You discovered you couldn’t afford licensed electricians and plumbers so you did the work yourself. It took two months, but you finally managed to get it all done just in time to get the heat on in the place during winter. After that mysterious fire that burned everything that hadn’t been flooded, the insurance company discovered you hadn’t pulled permits for the electrical or plumbing work and hadn’t had it inspected, so they refused to pay your claim. So what you had then was a land contract payable on, well, land...

Then there was the rental unit. You rented it out three times, then evicted your tenants three times. And then, as luck would have it, just as you were sure you’d finally found a reliable tenant, the police show up at your door with a summons and notification that the City has started condemnation proceedings. Seems some crack dealers had moved in after the last tenant was moved out. So what you had then was a land contract payable on, well, nothing...

It took about 5 years to untangle that mess, but when you did, you took stock and came to a clear understanding of what you did wrong. Then you promised your wife you’d put your nose to the grindstone at the bank, work hard to be a better loan officer, and get that promotion that you’d deserved a couple of years ago.

Then came the ‘90s. Remember them? You’d go get your haircut and the guy in the next chair would show you the gold Rolex he bought from the profits he made day-trading. You’d stop at the hardware store and the goof in line in front of you was telling the cashier about the new addition he’d just put on the house that was paid for by his portfolio. You started watching CNBC and noticed that the market went up every day... not some days, every day. And you decided, How hard can this be?

And despite the fact that your wife told you she’d divorce you if this one turned out to be another money burner, you plunged ahead. You spend hundreds on books, thousands on seminars and courses, then signed up for Swindleco’s Mega Stock Tix Mega Trakker Online Super Service (at $1,000 a month) and took out a second mortgage for $50,000. You were all set to become the next Warren Buffett.

Now this time it might have all worked... except for that one last bit of bad luck.

Things started out so well, after all. You took a large position in Hogs O’Million (a small pork rind factory in Grapevine, Texas) at $5.25 a share and then watched the stock soar to $100.50 on the basis of some hot news from a couple of internet stock picking sites. You have paper profits out the wazoo, and decide to celebrate your new-found wealth appropriately – a pair of matching BMW 5-series sedans for you and the Missus. Well, wouldn’t you know it: While your signing the papers at the dealership, across the wires comes the story that the ‘hot news’ that had spurred all the buying in the first place turned out to be coming from a 13 year-old prankster in Lompoc. By the time you got home, you had $75,000 worth of car loans and a stock that’s worth $0.05 per share.

After the bankruptcy and the divorce came the New Millennium.

Now it’s now 2006: You’re broke and alone. You were lucky to get your old job as a loan officer back, which was good... except that now your boss is some punk you hired back in 1993.

So what do you do?

Oh sure, you could stop bathing and starting talking like a parking lot attendant. That gets you half way to being a professional poker player, but who’s kidding who here? You’ll never come up with the $10,000 to enter a real tournament without resorting to loan sharks, and although you’re a risk taker, not even you think it’s a good idea to borrow money from a guy called ‘Blackie’. Besides, you can’t beat your friends half the time on Poker Night at the VFW Post. That leaves you only one way to make a fortune during the Bush Depression:

Blogging!

You heard me right: Blogging. It’s the Next Big Thing. And it is so simple, even you can’t screw it up.

Over the next week or so, I’m going to be posting some thoughts on how you can make Big Profits by setting up a web site and blogging about politics. Look around; the field is wide open! I mean, go look at Pajamas Media and tell me you’d need $7 million to do that...

With my system, you could’ve done the same site – content and all – for about $200... and kept the other $6,999,800.

That’s what I’m talkin’ about... Real Profits, Baby!

Once you’ve read my posts, I think it will be clear to you that this is the Big One. The opportunity you can’t afford to miss. Why? Because the Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™ makes it so darned easy that any Dimwit with a computer on his desk and time on his hands can earn, earn, earn...

And I’m willing to bet that after reading the posts at this site, you also come to the conclusion that the modest outlay for our videos, audiotapes, CDs, DVDs and books is going to be money well spent. Think of it as an investment... an investment in your future! With the Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™ you can work from home – in your underwear if you like – and make thousands of dollars a week in advertising revenues for just two or three posts a day.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves...

So stay tuned for the first installment in the Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™... It will change your life forever!

Comments

[Tim Worstall]

Sigh, it’s the little details that make it so good.

I once spent a week in Lompoc. Longest year of my life.

[joe]

a scarily accurate summary of my life.

I just need to find a way to charge the one person that reads my blog $10k per month...maybe bill gates would be a good client.

[DennisThePeasant]

Joe-

I can give a discount on the audiotapes to my system... For today only, though, so call now. Operators are standing by.

[anon]

Best blogpost ever.

[Dan from Madison]

Great post - I wrote about this very subject myself today.

[Alan]

Once I get done with this course will people be knocking down my door to peddle their books and gadgets through my weblog? Will I be able to peddle my own book--even if I can't actually write? If all this is true, Goddamn, how I love the idea of my own personal web log. Keep it coming.

[Alan]

Also, will PR firms use me? Oh how I want to be used...for money. Of course, I'll be above board and not speak the party line whatever it is.

@MT*#: Drink more Ovaltine.

[Alan]

Hey, check this out. You have some competition brought to you by the fine folks of Townhall.com.

@TM*&: Have you heard about the great opportunites through investing in gold?

[salvage]

Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

[FabioC.]

Sorry to blitz in here, but Dubai Ports has given up on the P&O deal: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,187307,00.html

(Yes, it's Fox. So sue me)

[wxjames]

Here's a free tip for all you DTP potential customers:
Always ask for feedback on products/services provided, because, when you do something wrong your customer is first to know.

[Big Louie Patooti]

What was wrong wid the drugs and da goils?

[Zhombre]

Yes, Dubai Ports World has announced it will transfer its interest in the ports to an American company:

HALLIBURTON

[Peter vE]

I have an even better deal! I'm offering you, yes you, the opportunity of a lifetime! You've heard about those rich Ayrabs, driving around in Bentleys, lighting their cigars with $100 bills. Now you can join them! For a minimum investment of $1000 in the DPT DPW TC LLC**, you will have the security of knowing your money is invested in good old American assets! Just send your money in used non consecutive $20 dollar bills to PO Box 1001, Fly-By Night, Ohio 44094.

**Dennis the Peasant Dubai Ports World Takeover Corporation, LLC. Not afilliated with Pajamas Media

[BeckyJ]

Yes, indeed, this does sound like a great opportunity! I'd like 5 sets please, so I can send them to my friends & family! It sure beats academia (I can't rant & rave publically for another 3 years yet!)

DtP - you're my hero!

[Morgan]

But all I can think of now is pork rinds. Mmmmm...

[David N. Scott]

So like people click on stuff on my site and I get money, right?

[Bane]

This almost makes me feel guilty...should I give all of the money I make from my blog back? To the poor? No, I think I'll just be grateful for it, and enjoy it.

[richard mcenroe]

kin ah get this on 8-track? Mah El Camino don't play nuthin else.

[og the neanderpundit]

Since I started writing for the Axis of Asshole, I made nearly $0.08!!

Okay, I found that in the couch.

[Beck]

As a person who plays a fair amount of medium-stakes poker, I find your poker comments... frightfully accurate.