The Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™: The Foolproof System for Fools Who Want to Make Money by Blogging

From today’s mailbag:

Dear Dennis;

Your site is really boffo! Love it, love it, and love it! You should be in Hollywood, writing for The Brak Show or South Park or something. Although I don’t see any advertising at your site, and despite the fact that according to N.Z. Bear and Alexa your traffic sucks, I want to be just like you. I understand you made $100 in your first 14 months of blogging. Can you give me some tips so I can have a successful and profitable blog like yours?

P.S.: Pleeze write something about Breakback...

You know, I get mail like this all the time.

That's right: Scads of mail from people just like you who are awed by the Force that is Dennis the Peasant. Here in Westerville, I can’t walk down the street anymore without being swarmed by the Little People – folks just like you – who want an autograph, or the chance to touch the hem of my garment.

I understand. Really.

But not every blogger can achieve the kind of success I have. I mean, in the space of just 14 months I’ve managed to things most bloggers can only dream of...

1. Be hailed by the Right Wing of the Blogosphere,
2. Help found Pajamas Media,
3. Get screwed out of Pajamas Media,
4. Call Roger Simon and Charles Johnson dirtbags,
5. Then prove it,
6. Get hailed by the Left Wing of the Blogosphere,
7. Get outed by Roger Simon’s wife,
8. Be accused of making the internet too scary for Roger’s daughter,
9. Be accused of wanting to kill Roger’s dog,
10. Get compared to a serial rapist,
11. Get a guy fired by Pajamas Media,
12. Expose the Pajamas Media New York offices as a sham,
13. Get them to change their name back to Pajamas Media,
14. Get called batshit crazy
15. Insanely bitter,
16. Deranged,
17. Obsessive,
18. Get accused of acting ‘high school’ (that one hurt),
19. Get offers of psychological help,
20. Get offers to start a real internet advertising agency,
21. Get offers of support from all sorts of Right-Wing high-traffic bloggers who hate Roger’s guts,
22. Including several members of Pajamas Media,
23. Expose Pajamas Media’s silly marketing presentation,
24. And get $100 from Reason Online for a post about something nobody cares about.

Now that's a career. Hell, I’m ready to ask myself if I can touch the hem of my garment...

Now understand, I could be a greedy bastard about all this. I could just go out and leverage my success and make zillions on ads here at Dennis the Peasant.

But I’m not like that. I have standards. I have ethics. I am fiercely independent.

Yet, I’m also a caring, giving sort of individual. So, out of the goodness of my heart, and for only the smallest of fees, I am going to tell you how you can have a site just like mine.

It’s coming... and it’s coming tomorrow:

The Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™.

Blogs... They’re not just a $7 million boondoggle anymore.

Comments

[Cardinal Martini]

Forget the blog. I want a toilet like yours.

[richard mcenroe]

"The key to success is ISOMETRIC mouse pressure! Get both lefties and righties to click on you!"

[Lou Minatti]

Dennis, please sign me up so I can get sooper rich by blogging!!!!

[David N. Scott]

Wahoo! I've never made any money off of blogging! Well, one of my co-bloggers bought a Pererro shirt once. Does that count?

[Lefty Loony]

That's a bidet full of cash, isn't it? I'm on to you, Frenchie.

[elemental]

OT check out this interview with Pamela from Atlas Shrugged:

http://atlasshrugs2000.typepad.com/atlas_shrugs/2006/03/blogger_spotlig.html

Who is your favorite political blogger? Favorite non-political blogger?

Little Green Footballs. Hands down. When the history books are written, Charles Johnson will surely go down as a great American that made a critical difference between victory and defeat.

Uh, wow

[PeterUK]

Let me tell you Peasant Products cannot be bettered,the DtP Crash Diet worked wonders,that nine months in an Ethiopian changed my life for ever.
I was overjoyed with the complementary Sponge Bob pants,waist 15" that arrived by mule,which was delicious incidentally,at the end of the course.
When I can gather the strength and the money to get to the airport,I shall return a new man.
Bless you Dennis,you have changed my life.

[Timothy]

Atlas Shrugs = Major tool.

[richard mcenroe]

elemental - to be fair, she doesn't stipulate for which side.