The Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™: Part Five

Part Five: How To Write A Post

Now you’re ready to start writing posts. Or so you think. But sit back a moment and think about it... Do you actually have a Posting Plan in place?

Of course not.

If you are going to post consistently and post well, you have to have a Posting Plan. If you don’t, well, then posting will go the way of just about every other venture you’ve attempted over the past 20+ years. You know what I’m talking about here: The marriage, the first job, the second job, the first get rich scheme, the third job, the second wife, the second get rich scheme...

Did you have a plan for any of those?

How’d it they work out?

Now do you understand why you need a Posting Plan?

OK. Now that that is out of the way, here’s the four elements necessary for a successful Posting Plan:

1. The Topic
2. The Angle
3. The Hook
4. The Con

Element One – The Topic: How To Select An Interesting Topic

Keep in mind that your readers are simple folk. While you will learn, in time, how to give a political spin to just about anything, it is best to concentrate on a fewer, rather than greater, number of topics. Oh sure, you will want to slip in the odd post about some odd item now and again, but that is more of being for effect; of demonstrating your breadth as a blogger. But on a day to day basis, you really want to keep your blogging topics narrowly focused.

Remember: Furrowed brows amongst the readership does not translate into cash.

Given this, your short list of blogging topics are as follows:

1. Why the politic party and/or parties you oppose suck.
2. Why the politicians in that party and/or parties suck.
3. Why the bloggers who support those parties and/or politicians suck.
4. Why obviously insane people are just like your opponents.
5. Why the mainstream media is biased in favor of those parties and/or politicians and therefore sucks.

It is important to remember that you are not blogging for yourself; you are blogging for money. Therefore, when considering the above five topics to write about, be sure to think in terms of what will draw readers to your site. What this means, plainly, is that you must follow the news cycle slavishly. Although your readers will say they want is media without the mainstream, the fact of the matter is that mainstream media is exactly what they do want.

Never forget that.

Blog readers are not interested in intrepid citizen-journalists exposing corruption, righting wrongs or making the world a better, safer place; they are interested in what Maureen Dowd wrote yesterday. This is not to say that you can be up-front about being mainstream... you can’t. A huge part of the foundation of the fantasy world that is the blogosphere is the idea that what you’re doing – and what your readers are doing – is something different and better than traditional journalism. This is, of course, utter nonsense, but your job isn’t pulling people out of la-la land... It’s making money off them while they are there.

Bottom line? Look for daily news items that can be used to create a post that falls within the five topics above. And if anyone asks? You’re not following the news cycle... you’re being current.

Helpful Hint: As a blogger, you must always be ready and willing to attack newspapers, television news, pundits and professional journalists for arrogance, sloth, laziness, ineptitude, ignorance and bias. This is expected of you. You are a member of the vanguard elite that is bringing something new and better to the public. This is especially true of those elements of the mainstream media who hold opinions that differ from your own. For example:

If you are a Democrat and/or Liberal, you could do this:

Why oh why can’t we have a better press corps? Then post about a news item that peeves you.

In the business this is known as the DeLong Whine, after professional economist and/or whiner J. Bradford DeLong.

If you are a Republican and/or Conservative, you could do this:

Why don’t we have a better press corps? Because they’re a bunch of wimpy, half-witted Ivy League pseudo-elites who want nothing more than to pander to anyone opposed to DEMOCRACY. Then post about a news item that peeves you.

This is known as a Hindraker. In fact, if you’re a Republican and/or Conservative, I can recommend no better site than Powerline for learning how to write content-free media bashing posts. Be sure to get your hands on his posts about Powerline’s Paul Mirengoff interviewing Senator Dick Durban. John Hindraker calls it a “watershed moment” in New Media...

Everyone other than Pajamas Media calls it a "hoot".

Element Two – The Angle: How To Select The Appropriate Angle

This basically relates to your blog site theme. You must always be able to tie your topic back to your blog site theme... And you do that by use of the Angle. I know this sounds complicated, but it isn’t really. Don’t get discouraged: Your world view is a simple one – you’ve expressed it in 5 words or less, remember? Having an angle simply means that your post should always compliment your blog site theme.

For example: If your blog site them is hating Republicans and Christians, then the angle for any topic you choose to write about is how awful Republicans and/or Christians are. So, if your topic is that the New York Times has uncovered the fact that a Republican Congressman named Peter Robertson has been jumping boobs at the Kit-Kat Klub for the past three years using defense industry bribes, you write something like this:

It turns out Congressman Peter Robertson has been working his way through D.C.’s strippers... and he’s on the letter “w”. Figures. Probably related to Pat Robertson in some way.

Or, if you happen to know he’s Catholic, you could write this:

It turns out Congressman Peter Robertson has been working his way through D.C.’s strippers... and he’s on the letter “w”. Figures. Peter was the first Pope of the Catholic Church, you know...

See how easy it is?

Element Three – The Proposition: How To Select The Right Hook

This relates the selective use of facts to back up your angle and blog site theme. The simple rule of thumb is as follows:

Only provide facts that support your angle and blog site theme.

There are several benefits to this. First of all, it saves time and effort. You don’t have to bother weighing the merits of opposing viewpoints or sorting out contradictory information. Since you’re only presenting items that bolster your case, you are spared having to write arguments justifying your position. Second, it automatically pleases your audience. Think about it: They are at your site to get the quick thrill of having someone validate their opinions (and therefore, their intellect and wisdom). The last thing they want is to have you sow the seeds of doubt via a presentation of the whole picture...

Element Four – The Con: How To Con Your Audience

First understand that your audience wants to be conned. They are at your site because they have already made up their minds, have an opinion and want it validated. Your job is to pander. Simply put, your job in constructing a con is as follows:

1. Make their opinions sound either
a. Reasonable, or
b. As least not nearly as stupid as it does when coming from their mouths.
2. Validate their world view.
3. Make them feel far more intelligent, insightful and informed than they actually are.

It’s that simple... And the beauty of it? You’re just circling back to your blog site theme!

Conclusion: Obviously there’s a lot more to talk about when it comes to writing posts, but hey, that’s the sort of stuff your going to have to pay me to read about. I am not an United Way agency... I am a businessman. What I will do, however, is provide you with a case study on writing posts using the Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™ and the Four Elements of Powerful Posting™

..............................

Case Study: Michelle Malkin

Here’s a typical Michelle Malkin post:

TAR HEEL TERRORIST: ALLAH'S WILL By Michelle Malkin • March 06, 2006 01:40 PM

***update: Taheri-azar's 911 call: "It was really to punish the government of the United States for their actions around the world."***

Mohammad Taheri-azar speaks:

A suspect who is accused of hitting students with a sport utility vehicle at the University of North Carolina made his first court appearance Monday. Mohammad Taheri-azar, a 2005 UNC-Chapel Hill graduate, smiled and waved before his hearing Monday. Taheri-azar told the courtroom that he was "thankful for the opportunity to spread the will of Allah."

As he left court, Taheri-Azar told reporters, "the truth is my lawyer." When asked if he was trying to kill people, he said yes.

Taheri-Azar was appointed a public defender in court. A young woman believed to be Taheri-Azar's sister did not comment on the case as she left to get into her car.

In court, Taheri-azar did not deny driving a rented silver Jeep Grand Cherokee into The Pit, a central area on the UNC-CH campus around noon Friday. Six people were taken to UNC Hospitals with non-critical injuries, and three people were treated at the scene.

Campus police said Taheri-azar, a 2005 UNC-Chapel Hill graduate, admitted to them Friday that he acted to "avenge the death of Muslims around the world." The Federal Bureau of Investigation is also investigating the incident from Friday.

Can we call it terrorism yet?

Hat tip: Jon Sanders at The Locker Room.

Athena at Terrorism Unveiled, a UNC-Chapel Hill alumna, has exclusive background on Taheri-azar. An excerpt of her report:

After speaking with someone who knew Taheri-Azar, a little bit more interesting details come into view. The guy I spoke with said Taheri-azar pledged his fraternity, Sig Ep, and that the frat "blackballed" him, meaning kicked him out because he was such a recluse and antisocial. They referred to him as "Mo." He said that Taheri-azar was from a wealthy family, a frequent marijuana smoker and "most always high" and that he drank heavily as well. So much for being religiously pious.

My first conclusions were that it's highly unlikely he's related to any type of "cell." First of all, his actions show that he's a complete novice, that he had no operational funding, and that the attack was not well planned (although he did rent the Jeep from Enterprise). Further information continues to corroborate this.
Lone wolf actor - antisocial behavior

The guy I spoke with also said he seemed to have few friends and didn't "fit-in" socially. From this and his actions, Taheri-azar fits well as a "lone wolf" actors that go out and try to do the "will of Allah." Socially awkward and looking for something to legitimize themselves, to make them feel "worth" something---they turn to this type of behavior.

They find a purpose in a religious ideology because they are empty. He had money, he had an education (UNC graduate), he had a job (although it was at a local fast food restaurant--Jimmy John's subs) he turned to this. Once again, this shows that it's not necessarily poverty that drives people to take on these type of causes.

Mary Katherine Ham at Hugh Hewitt has comprehensive coverage of the story.

..............................

Note Malkin’s Use of the Four Steps of Writing a Post Above...

First of all remember Michelle’s blog site theme:

I hate [Muslims and/or Arabs] and [Democrats/Liberals/Etc.].

Step One: Michelle chooses a topic: A young man named Mohammed Taheri-Azar attempts to kill students at UNC by running over them with his SUV.

Note that the topic selection ties directly to the blog site theme – the guy’s name was Mohammed and he’s an Iranian (not technically Arab then, but hey, they all look alike to Michelle and her audience)!

Step Two: Michelle chooses an angle: Mohammed Taheri-Azar must be a terrorist.

Despite the fact that she presents a wealth of information suggesting that Taheri-Azar is most probably suffering from some sort of mental illness or disorder, Malkin’s blog site theme demands that Taheri-Azar be shoe-horned into the “terrorist” box. After all, he’s Muslim and he’s Arab (as far as everyone at her site knows).

Step Three: Michelle chooses the hook: Taheri-Azar said he was doing the will of Allah.

That’s the (primary) hook: A Guy Named Mohammed + Will O’ Allah = Terrorism.

Expressed as in the form of a argument, it goes like this: Mohammed Taheri-Azar said it was the will of Allah that caused him to run over those students. Therefore:

1. If Allah is involved it’s a Muslim Thing, and
2. Because it’s a Muslim Thing,
3. It must be terrorism.

No doubt some of you will note that there is no logic to the hook or the argument. Not a problem. That’s because the hook fully supports the angle and the blog site theme. Malkin has given her audience exactly what it wants and expects. They did not come to her site to be informed; they came to be entertained – by having their world view validated. If you’re the picky type, you could offer secondary hooks to give a more complete illusion of objectivity and thoughtfulness... In this case, the following would suffice:

1. His name is Mohammed, and
2. He’s Iranian,
3. Which is just as bad as being an Arab, and
4. Everyone knows Iranians...
5. Hate us, and
6. Are crazy.

Step Four: Michelle chooses the con: The facts prove Taheri-Azar is a terrorist.

Remember Michelle’s blog theme? What was 50% of it?

Right: I hate [Muslims and/or Arabs].

Given that, what is the con?

Right: The facts prove Mohammed Taheri-Azar is a terrorist.

And notice that for Malkin the point of debate isn’t whether he’s a terrorist, it’s when are the wimps at UNC, the Dept. of Homeland Security and the Bush Administration will SEE THE OBVIOUS and declare Taheri-Azar a Muslim terrorist. This is exactly what her audience wants to hear. Michelle’s our kind of woman... Out there thumping her little chest, BEING SERIOUS ABOUT NATIONAL SECURITY and protecting us from EVIL. They are sitting at their computers thinking, Wow, Taheri-Azar is just like al-Qaeda. They’re all Arabs, or at least look like Arabs, are named Mohammed or Osama or something, and they all think they’re doing the will of Allah. Spooky.

See how easy this is? Now get out there and start posting.

Comments

[salvage]

Now as a fan of The Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™ I'm sitting here wondering, how do we exactly get the conned readers to cough up the cash?

See I've done all you said on my own blog and yet my tub remains un-golded and empty of Evian. I barely have a car; much less a Porsche Boxster and the student loan people still keep blah blah blahing at me.

Dennis don't make me find a job that I actually have to leave the house to get to, I'm allergic to that big fiery thing in the sky, it makes my skin this gross pink color. My opinion on stuff I barely understand and your program are my only hopes of not ending up eating my dead mother in the freezer… that would also be the end of my social life so I need it quickish.

[DennisThePeasant]

Cash, please.

[Cameron]

DtP,

Nailed - 100% nailed. You've convinced me; I'm keeping my day job. I could never be a real blogger. The Ohio CPA is on fire....

[richard mcenroe]

"How To Select The Right Hook"

If you had a decent right hook, you shouldn't be blogging. The big money's in mugging...

[mantis]

I have been inspired your system to start my own blog, with the theme of "I hate the alien invaders and their accomplices/liberals/MSM", and I'm wondering how to con my audience (vast and nonexistent as they are). If they are clued into the alien/liberal/MSM conspiracy to destroy churches and Jesus and convert us into a anarcho-syndicalist commune, they are already the smartest and most informed people on the planet. How could I con them?

[FabioC.]

mantis,

you have to sight aliens in the first place, and provide some alien artifacts as a proof.

Though working the alin invaders angle may require you to choose a more... er, imaginative, audience.

[Terrye]

I must be something wrong because so far I have made diddly squat. I have been called names..but talk is cheap.

I did think this whole SUV Terrorists Attack thing was kind of over the top. But then Malkin is over the top all the damn time. I mean some poor bastard walked into a Dennys and opened fire, when do we get to call that terrorism?

[salvage]

>when do we get to call that terrorism?

When he's shown to be Muslim.

[richard mcenroe]

Or, I don't know, when he walks into an El Al terminal or something... oh wait... well, maybe when he writes a letter to the national media proclaiming his terrorist intentions — hold it...

[Jim]

Powerful post, Dennis, from the topic to the hook. Of course, your readers know there's no actual con to this piece--

[richard mcenroe]

Fabio C. — You don't have to sight aliens at all. Just fulminate on WHO ELSE COULD POSSIBLY BE TO BLAME?! for the CURRENT CRISIS!

[WisdomWeasel]

Will O'Allah? Oh jesus- the Islamists have teamed up with the IRA. We are screwed.

[F*cker Karlson]

"mantis,

you have to sight aliens in the first place, and provide some alien artifacts as a proof."

Isn't that what Photoshop is for?

Can you combine this whole series into a pdf. I'm lazy and would rather read it on the crapper.

[Anachronda]

Fabio C: You obviously need to listen to more Art Bell. If done correctly, the very fact that you have NOT seen aliens can be turned into proof of their existence. I mean, if they didn't exist, there wouldn't be a conspiracy to cover them up, would there? And how do we know there's a conspiracy? BY ITS VERY SUCCESS!! I mean, the government screws up everything it touches, right? The existence of aliens is SO IMPORTANT that EVEN THE GOVERNMENT knows it can't afford to screw up the coverup. So the lack of evidence just shows HOW SERIOUS IT IS!!!

Oh yeah. Capital letters and exclamation points help, too.

[Sarius]

" If done correctly, the very fact that you have NOT seen aliens can be turned into proof of their existence."

Just like Jesus ...

[Jim]

Not only DtP, but the ACLU* could have a lot of fun with Malkin's take above. If demented loner Muslims who (try to) kill for Allah are "terrorists", wouldn't Christian/Jew criminals or serial killers who say they're obeying the will of God also be terrorists? Then there are cultists, Satanists and even garden-variety maniacs who say the devil made them do it. Since the US is not officially at war with Islam, defining actual terrorism even at the Jeep Jihadi level gets a bit tricky, when factoring in issues of sanity, belief systems, political intent, and collusion/ collaboration.

*not of fan of it, btw

[Scott Ferguson]

Y'all want to make real money, you should write for the Weekly World News.

[sonic]

One demographic you are missing out is those who hate everything you say and log in to get a daily dose of outrage.

How many of Malkin's readers are daily Kos fans logging in to see what the enemy is saying before heading back to tell all their chums who perfidious and racist she is, and indeed Visa Versa.

I therefore invite fans of the DTP blogging system to purchase an additional course, Sonic's guide to attracting Trolls for fun and profit.

[FabioC.]

Yes, of course I should have made clear that ALIENS do not require real PROOF: an out-of-focus picture, a collection of sledghammer-smashed parts of an Amiga1000 and vague unverifiable memories are more than enough for conspiracy loons. The more absurd the better.

I mean, look at these places:
Alien Nation
9-11 AND STEALTH JEWISH

[sonic]

Fabio, you need to jazz up that Conspiracy theory, how about this, would make a great blog

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/images/0595356850/ref=dp_image_0/104-4458248-1591948?%5Fencoding=UTF8&n=283155&s=books

[TIm P]

The Dennis the Peasant Blogging System™!

Wow! You're really onto something now! Nothing but a big pipe gushing filthy lucre baby!

Today, Pajamas Media. Tomorrow, the world!

[TexasToast]

Don't you have tax returns to prepare?

[Anachronda]

Fabio C: For the REAL king of out-of-focus picture wizardry, you must visit Richard (Face on Mars) Hoagland.

[Invid]

"Blog readers are not interested in intrepid citizen-journalists exposing corruption, righting wrongs or making the world a better, safer place; they are interested in what Maureen Dowd wrote yesterday"
It's a shame you have such a low opinion of people - it must disgust you to have so many fools and suckers coming to your blog on a daily basis...

[Galt-In-Da-Box]

Thanks for passing these posting points along, and doubleplusthanks for setting such a sterling example of their implementation.
If you're gonna piss in the pool don't bitch because the water's yellow!