Why Pajamas Media Sucks And Roger L. Simon Is A Moron: A Book Review

As some of you may remember, last week I gave Steve H. Graham's books, The Good, The Spam, And The Ugly (the new one) and Eat What You Want and Die Like A Man (the old one) the rather marginal benefit of a Dennis The Peasant plug (although I was, at that time, still cruising on Wolcott-included traffic buzz). In keeping with my keen sense of ethical journalistic deportment I managed, without a second thought, to hand out those plugs without having bought or read either tome. To rectify this situation, and despite the considerable financial hardship contained therein, I did an ol' What the fuck! and ordered both from Amazon.

For whatever reason, Eat What You Want and Die Like A Man showed up at the homestead first...

That was last Thursday. However, with painters painting furiously throughout Peasant Manor and various clients demanding work that had been promised weeks ago, I was unable to start in on Steve's freshman effort until late Friday. I would have started it Saturday, but the Columbus Blue Jackets were playing the Dallas Stars Friday night, and that got ugly enough early enough to give me time to put away a couple of chapters. I've suffered through five and a half years of bad hockey, so missing one night of on-ice incompetence wasn’t going to make me any less a fan and/or sucker.

Of course, the Blue Jackets did end up winning the game. No doubt doing so just to spite me. But that's OK, because Eat What You Want and Die Like A Man is a good enough read to make it entirely worth missing the odd athletic near-miracle. Just how good is this cookbook? Let me put it this way: It horrified Muffy. Here were multiple recipes calling for lard, bacon grease, whole milk and various other substances that she had banished from our pantry twenty years ago. When I asked her if she would make Steve's chicken fried steak for me, her answer was short, sweet and very understandable...

"Not on your life, buster."

That's how good a cookbook this is.

Beyond providing a variety of meals guaranteed to turn the likes of me into a Jabba the Hut lookalike, Steve also gives up recipes for three dishes every man near my age must be able to prepare and consume. These would be the following:

BBQ beans (aka baked beans),
Navy bean soup, and
Chili.

Steve doesn't mention it, but the technical term for the above dishes is "bowel basher", and it is essential that men (especially middle aged men) have access to such food on a regular basis. He understands that each of us must have an excuse for the sort of uncontrollable flatulence we now experience on a daily basis. Foods like baked beans, bean soup and chili are all excellent meals, but more importantly each provides at least as much cover as it does nourishment. If your wife is anything like mine, if she comes to suspect that your digestive tract is so far gone that eating a small bowl of Coco-Wheats is going to cause peel-paint-off-the-walls farting two hours later, she's going to demand you address the problem via the Medical Profession…

And that means sitting in front of your doctor having the sort of conversation you'd rather not have with anyone, let alone him. It's enough that we've got to have our doctors probing, prodding and honking our horns in the name of Prostate Safety these days; nobody needs to have their doctor poking around the ol' alimentary canal on a per-visit basis.

Fortunately, Eat What You Want and Die Like A Man provides the average guy more than just cover for routine gastric excess. For most of us, each day brings challenges that fall outside the realm of cooking, eating and having a good excuse for pooting under the covers. Steve moves effortlessly into the area of providing advice on how to cope with a variety of seemingly insoluble problems. Problems such as…

What to do when you discover you own a stove with Islamic fundamentalist leanings and a predisposition towards kitchen jihad, as well as…

How to get mildly retarded Blockbuster Video assistant managers to cancel $700 worth of late fees on a tape of midget porn you returned half a year ago.

As far as I am concerned, that alone covers the cost of the book. But wait, there's more!

For those with a literary bent, Eat What You Want and Die Like A Man provides serious sustenance. That's because it contains not one, but two, of the finest parodies of Angela's Ashes to be found on the planet. As one who spent thousands of dollars to "experience the land of my forefathers" about a decade ago, what I found out was that Ireland could, at least in theory, be a wonderful place. It certainly is beautiful. But until someone can find an out-of-the-way place to stuff the Irish, all I can say is you'd do well to disbelieve those ne'er-do-well PBS types who want you to believe that several weeks of alternating surliness and blank-looks-of-bovine-stupidity from the quaint and colorful natives constitutes an enriching cultural experience. Bottom line: Anyone who can do a good job of making fun of anything Irish gets points from me.

Steve does, so he gets points.

Other benefits of reading Eat What You Want and Die Like A Man include a sure-fire PMS remedy, further evidence of Bill Clinton's power over all women (and not just the chunky ones), how the crew of the Enterprise dealt with giant female reproductive organs rampaging through space, and the provision of what is probably the finest Isle of Man joke known to man personhood.

In conclusion, if you're a middle-aged man, or at least the sort of middle-aged man who does not hang on each and every episode of Project Runway and/or Designer's Challenge, this is the ONE cookbook you must own. There's something here for everyone, and whatever it is, it's virtually guaranteed to cause a coronary. Emeril sure as shit couldn't match that… Now could he?

Which brings me to another, more fundamental point: Why Pajamas Media sucks and Roger L. Simon is a moron.

Pajamas Media sucks because instead of having talented writers like Steve H. Graham posting the sort of different, interesting material you can't get at Townhall or NRO Online, it has second-string retreads like Michael Ledeen recycling the same old same old they've posted elsewhere or already published via the Warmonger's Book of the Month Club.

And Roger L. Simon is a moron because he had Steve H. Graham in his grasp and let him slip away… So he could spend someone else's hard-earned cash foisting upon us those same right-wing second-stringers that now constitute the only folks on the planet who are prepared to take him seriously. Or, more probably, at least do not laugh in his face. Much.

Had the Raj given his seven million dollar pile of pooh more than half an hour's worth of thought, and had he actually researched the works and talents of those who had originally responded to his call for internet talent, Steve H. Graham would have been exactly the right sort of fellow to sign up and hold on to for dear, fuckin' life. While reading Eat What You Want and Die Like A Man, I couldn't help notice just how perfectly each chapter could have been broken down into a weekly post that would have been hugely entertaining. Steve's work virtually screams out to be made an ongoing feature somewhere, and had Raj had his head anywhere other than up his ass, he'd have been able to figure that out. It's not like Pajamas Media has overwhelmed us with interesting, topical, funny and well-written features over the past one year plus, now is it?

But enough of that.

This week I'm going to be smuggling a variety of foodstuffs into the house, because if I'm going to get any of that chicken fried steak, or any of that cream gravy, or any of those Belgian Waffles made with bacon grease (sob… sounds so beautiful, I damn near have to cry when I say it), I'm going to have to make 'em myself.

And that's OK by me. It'll be worth it.

Comments

[richard mcenroe]

If you want something fattening, bad for you, and easy to conceal from Muffy, may I recommend my peanut butter and bacon tortilla roll recipe?

[Uncle Fester]

I see another basement sojourn in your near future.

[David N. Scott]

Hahhaa.. still on the diet, huh? I'm working on mine, now. I had chicken noodle soup and a salad for lunch at Denny's the other day and died a little inside. I at least wanted the chicken and bacon sandwich and mashed potatoes, dammit!

[markg8]

I made navy bean soup with the bone and rest of the Christmas ham a few months ago. Looked up the Senate cafeteria recipe but it was pretty bland. No wonder you don't see many fat senators. An onion, some boxed vege stock, beans, ham and a few other odds and ends. It came out great.

And Dennis you oughta know by now PJM's purpose isn't to entertain, it's purpose is to deceive. And provide a clubhouse where deluded wingnuts can avoid reality together.

[Dennis The Peasant]

Mark-

No, no, no. That's what Little Green Footballs is for.

[Fred]

Whereas, PJM's purpose is to entertain us with its arrogance and mistakes and little clubhouse mentality with a "Posted: Pay us dues but keep out!! signed, OSM Management" hand-scrawled sign on the front of its cardboard fort.

[markg8]

I thought LGF was for making spittle inflected death threats against Islamofacists and Dhimmicrats using one syllable words. I look at Raj's blog as a little more upscale. A meeting place for people who are living proof that legacy admissions to expensive private universities are the worst form of affirmative action.

[Jimmy B.]

That's how his place used to be, Markg8. Used to laugh myself silly over the Harvard, Yale, Dartmouth, Columbia and Princeton mentions, over and over, again. People appeared to snub commenters who weren't good enough for them- was told they gossiped about others behind the scenes. Now he's down to a few die-hards who are loyal to him no matter how he is or what he’s done. They spout off about how bad other people are because they’re such moral giants.

Meanwhile, PJ’s Goldstein is having to ask commenters for money for a new computer or something, and Steve Graham is making his own way in the publishing world. Will buy his cookbook based on Dennis’ rec, of course.

Now, when is Dennis going to go dead tree?

[markg8]

I made a few comments over at Goldstein's place. His acolytes make Raj's look sober and thoughtful. Quote Cheney once from August 2002 and they all go batshit crazy.

[Sally Sue]

Doesn't anyone care whether Prince Charles would approve of Steve's book?

[markg8]

Goldstein must really have problems. The website says his phone's been shut off and his net connection is kaput. Must have had all his money is sub prime mortgages.

[Jimmy B.]

Mark, all I'm seeing is Jeff desperate for a new laptop and offering to kiss puppy dogs or some such for reader contributions. Seems Pajamas Media, who boasted they'd outfit reporter-citizens all over the world with cams and PCs to bring us New Media News, can't even see to it that Jeff has a working laptop. Bet CEO Raj has a working laptop or three in his Hollywood set-up. Instapuddin' has been showing pix of his swank home Net studio. "PJM Jeff jess stays po' fo sho'" (Hillary).

Dennis, when are you going to weigh in (heh- especially after eating what lard you want) on "Is she Ann Coltish or the Coltergeist"?

[Steve H.]

WHOA! Just saw this! Thanks, Dennis!

P.S.: Bloody peasant!