A Lingere Media News Exclusive: Pajamas Media/YouTube To Host Next Republican Debate!

A Lingere Media News Exclusive: Pajamas Media/YouTube To Host Next Republican Debate

By Dennis The Peasant
December 3, 2007

Westerville, Ohio - Lingere Media has learned that Pajamas Media and YouTube have reached an agreement with the Republican National Committee to host the next televised Republican Candidates Debate.

"Pajamas Media is proud to announce that it will be astroturfing, er, hosting the next Republican Candidates Debate here in sunny Burbank," said Pajamas Media CEO Roger L. Simon. "And we're really happy that we'll finally be getting some use out of that camcorder we bought Paul Mirengoff to film that ambush of Dick Durbin. Glenn and Charles said they could rig it up as a tv camera for about $40, so we thought we'd give it a shot. I mean, what could go wrong?"

Other media outlets were shocked at the selection.

"Given the success of the last debate, we at CNN felt our network deserved to host the upcoming Burbank debate," said an obviously disappointed Anderson Cooper. " It would give us yet another opportunity to demonstrate the sort of competence and impartiality one has come to expect from CNN. And besides, you know how many Democratic operatives we've got camped out in the lobby? Oh dear, I just broke a nail."

So were many candidates on either side of the political divide.

"Who?" responded Thompson spokesperson Ashley Poindexter-Carruthers. "Roger Simon? Oh, brother. Well, it doesn't matter... Fred will sleepwalk through the whole thing no matter who's doing it."

"You have got to be kidding me. Have you seen Prague Duet? He couldn't direct his kid to the bathroom," stated Clinton spokesperson Tiffany Dworkin-Klein.

"Pajamas Media? Wow, that's great!" opined Democratic presidental hopeful Dennis Kucinich. "Love that site. Lots of interesting stuff there, you know. Would you like to stay for lunch? The tofu surprise is just about done..."

When pressed by reporters, the Republican National Committee gave the its reasons for selecting Pajamas Media as the host over CNN, Fox and others.

"Hey, they offered a boatload of money if we let them do it," said RNC spokesperson Chelsea Fairweather-Symthe. "And it isn't like we're sitting on a big pile of cash around here, you know."

Fully aware of the controversy swirling around the CNN/YouTube debate of November 28, Simon announced a series of measures to ensure the Burbank debate goes smoothly.

"We intend to run the debate with the sort of clockwork precision that has characterized Pajamas Media's operations over the past 2+ years. We've had a screening committee, headed by Karl Rove and Michael Savage, carefully vetting potential audience members to ensure that we have a representative cross-section of all Americans. Or at least all the ones who are white. White and Christian. Or Jewish, if they're not too pushy about it..."

When asked about a moderator, Simon stated that after careful consideration, Pajamas Media had decided that Simon himself was best suited to moderate the debate.

"We were leaning towards Geraldo, but Fox News claimed doing this gig might damage his credibility. When we couldn't come up with an answer to that, I said, "Screw it, I'll do it myself." I mean, what could go wrong?"

Simon added that Pajamas Media had already assembled a list of completely impartial and totally unaffiliated potential voters who will be submitting questions via YouTube. They are:

John Doe-Smith: Mr. Doe-Smith is your average (retired) musician and website designer who lives at an undisclosed location in Los Angeles, California. His passion is breeding and racing camels, but he also enjoys riding his bike and reading about the religions and cultures of the Middle East.

Ivan Gottasecret: Mr. Gottasecret is your average law professor at your average state university in the southern United States. He is a world-renowned expert on photography, having published I Could Have Sworn It Was In Focus in 2001. Mr. Gottasecret has just published How To Get Political Thingys Done On The Internet, which the New York Times called "the snooze of the year". His hobbies include buying camera lenses and being tedious.

Maybelline Scrunchknickers: Maybelline Scrunchknickers is your average Washington, D.C. stay-at-home housewife with two small children and a husband who often publishes using her name. Ms. Scrunchknickers is the author of Discovering Your Inner Whiteness, Overcoming Your Ethnicity, How To Be In A Snit About Everything and In Defense of Profiling Everyone Except White People And First Generation Filipino-Americans. She is the secretary-treasurer of the national chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Mexicans.

Will O'Allah: Will O'Allah is your average personal image consultant and celebrity host. His clients have included Courtney Love, Michael Jackson, Larry Craig and Britney Spears. Presently he is a guest host on the Girls Gone Wild - The Republican Years video series. Mr. O'Allah has written what is widely considered the bible of personal image consulting, Stacy London Don't Know Jack, and spends his free time sabotaging Dale Carnegie seminars.

Trixie Turdblossom: Trixie Turdblossom is your average self-employed diversity consultant and Tri-Delt house mother who lives on the campus of Oral Roberts University. She has published four books on sensitivity training: Dealing With Ragheads, What Fags Want, Bringing Jews To Jesus and Don't Hate Me Because I'm Aryan. Her interests include theology, shopping and high velocity handguns.

Alias Undercover: Alias Undercover is your average news and journalism ombudsman for the Wall Street Journal. He lives in New York City. Mr. Undercover has published two books, Why Does Everything I Say Sound Like An Old Journal Editorial? and Close Enough: Facts And Journalism. His hobbies include rehabbing and making fun of people with Parkinson's.

Ima Pseudonym: Ima Pseudonym is your average lawyer/journalist/movie critic/sports agent/media personality located in Abu Detroit, Michigan. She is a renowned expert on the feminization of the American male, presently holds the world record for most cease-and-desist orders issued, and is the Wayne County belching champion seven years running. Her hobbies include arm wrestling Hell's Angels and annoying Sean Hannity.

Ricardo Klement: Ricardo Klement is your average Professor of Ethic Studies at the University of Bueno Aires in Argentina. He is presently a visiting professor in the Middle Eastern and Asian Languages and Cultures Department of Columbia University, and the author of Sometimes Little Eichmanns Push Back: On The Justice Of Roasting Jews. Mr. Klement spends much of his free time advocating for elderly German refugees he feels the government is persecuting. His hobbies include painting and listening to Wagner.

Blanche Yenta-Letard: Marie-Louise Yenta-LeTard, also known as Blanche, is your average 40-something New York City based Jewish-American Princess. Ms. Yenta-LeTard is founder and chief editor of the Meshugeneh News Network and is presently writing her first book, Your Burqa Vs. My Boobs: A Personal History of the Israeli-Arab Conflict. Her hobbies include producing tightly scripted comedy sketches on YouTube and doing Fran Drescher impersonations until you could just scream.

Prescott Ellison: Prescott Ellison is your average blind black Republican. With Alan Keyes being institutionalized in 2004, Prescott Ellison now shares (with Thomas Sowell, Walter Williams and LaShawn Barber) the distinction of being one of the four Republican negroes currently active in all of American society. Ellison is employed as the Director of Library Services: Crayons and Coloring Books Division, at the George W. Bush Presidential Library at Camp Casey, Texas. In his spare time, Mr. Ellison enjoys translating the collected works of Barry Goldwater from English to Eubonics.

After unveiling the debate's questioners, Simon smiled broadly and asked reporters, "Like I said, what could go wrong?"

Comments

[Alan Bania]

That's gold, Dennis. Gold!

[markg8]

Alan Keyes is actually running for president again but the liberal media refuses to provide us with that entertainment.

[Dennis The Peasant]

Well, with Tom Tancredo and Ron Paul running around, Alan no longer has the Batshit Crazy Republican demographic cornered.

Actually, I kind of like Alan Keyes... in a Ross Perot sort of way. Both are a bit nuts, but they are also great speakers and nothing if not thought provoking. I'd walk a mile to listen to either, despite the fact that they'd never get my vote.

Can't say the same for Tom or Ron. Or Mike. Or John. Or Mitt...

[Steve H. Graham]

Blanche is 48 or 49. Her bikini is 27.

[Steve H. Graham]

Blanche is 48 or 49. Her bikini is 27.

[Dennis The Peasant]

That bikini has 1968 written all over it.

[Richard Silverstein]

As I was reading this post I was laughing so uncontrollably my wife, trying to read a legal brief poor soul, must've thought I was about to have a coronary. You definitely have the touch, Dennis.

Trixie Turdblossom was an esp. nice touch.

[markg8]

I wasn't in Illinois back in 2004 when Obama drubbed Keyes but it was entertaining to watch from far off Jersey. Obama was going to win anyway after he took the Democratic primary by 29% over his nearest rival in a crowded race. But when the Republican primary winner Ryan bowed out after it came to light he'd tried to get his ex-wife actress Jerri Ryan the StarTrek borgette to fellate him publicly at various sex clubs in New Orleans, New York and Paris in order to "strengthen" their marriage it left the Illinois Republican party with almost nowhere to turn. Enter Alan Keyes.

If I remember correctly Keyes ran on a platform of a 10 year income tax moratorium as slavery reparations for black folks and your inalienable right to own a bazooka. That and claiming Jesus hated Barrack. He proved what a serious candidate he was by refusing to even rent an apartment in Illinois during the election preferring instead to sleep on a friend's couch. This was only a few years after accusing Hillary Clinton of being a carpetbagger in her NY senate race.

[Flyby Reader]

Mark, I thought Keyes actually rented an apartment in Calumet City. Regardless, his campaign was indeed pathetic.

The highlight of that campaign for me was when Laura Washington, as a debate panelist, asked (paraphrase based on vague memory here) what Keyes would do if he were to learn one of his children is gay, particularly given his statements about the evil of homosexuality, etc. The unspoken context known to "everyone" and which became public knowledge shortly after the election was the lesbianism of Keyes's daughter. (I even recall gasps in the studio audience when the question was asked, but maybe my memory embellishes.)

Anyway, Keyes starts off by saying something like, "Laura, it isn't I who says homosexuality is wrong. It's the Bible . . ." blah blah blah. It was, as Dennis would probably predict, a mesmerizing performance, with some fine preaching cadences.

But then Obama, in his reply, says, "To answer your question, Laura, I would love that child." He hit that one so far out of the park that, on a clear night over Illinois, I think you can still see it in orbit . . .