An Example of the Sort of Prose Amanda Marcotte Could Only Dream About Writing...

Muffy, who has suffered through her share of Amandaisms as part of her wifely devotions, pointed out this bit of prose as the sort of writing authors such as Amanda Marcotte should aspire to...

It comes from the back of a six-pack container of Dannon Activia Light Fat Free Yogurt, and goes (snicker) thusly:

Q. What is Activia? A. Dannon Activia is a delicious lowfat yogurt with the natural probiotic culture Bifidus Regularis. Activia is clinically proven to help regulate your digestive system when eaten daily for two weeks, by helping to reduce long intestinal transit time.

"Long intestinal transit time". That's a phrase so beautifully turned that I damn near cried upon first hearing it.

After giving this all certain amount of reflection, it seems logical to me that we honor the anonymous talent that turned this magnificent phrase in a manner befitting its context...

... So, let's have a contest!

Rewrite the Dannon Activia Q&A above as you'd imagine Amanda Marcotte would write it. If Amanda Marcotte could actually get a job writing copy, that is. Which she couldn't. In any event, submissions are being solicited and should be deposited (snicker) in the Comments Section. Don't let your transit time lengthen, though, because the winner gets a copy of It's A Jungle Out There, courtesy of Dennis the Peasant!

Comments

[Dan from Madison]

Q: What is Activia? A: Dannon Activia is a good sort of yogurt that helps with a type of digestion and that can help you escape acting opressed on the toilet, but more like a womyn. Since it is a product that helps women most, men will probably not let their wives learn about it so it would help them, that is typical of most men who think they own their women, which is common; I think it is important for women to break this clutch on regularity that men seem to have. That is the crux of the matter, the typical power grab by opressive men - usually white ones, that make their women seem more like sperm receptacles and less regular more often.

[Allen]

You asked...

Q: What the fuck is Activia and who gives a shit? A: Though I didn't know this but I sort of realized it was important being regular is really important. Men are always trying to control us through our bodily functions this product puts the control in our hands. Dannon has this new yogurt out that after just two weeks keeps me regular, so yes I give a shit.

[mark sidney g]

At this point my vote goes to No. 2

[mark sidney g]

BTW where's the damn Friday music? Dennis if you don't put up the music videos this afternoon I swear to God I'm going to try to get you on the McCain blogger conference calls. Then you can ask why his dream of bringing home the troops from Iraq by 2013 isn't setting a timetable just like the defeatocrats.

[Dennis The Peasant]

msg-

First contest, then music.

[VDJ of the PDJ]

What is Activia? Well, if you're feeling ooky, it's because you panty-sniffers are full of shit. Apparently, there's bacteria and stuff that live in our intestines and since I like subscribe to several podcasts about science and know that like mens baseline sexual interest in women is directly due to their being in a patriarchal inspired state known as regularity that implies that consent must be given in order to go to the shitter in which case the world would be a lot better place as life on the toilet is a lot like life in a prison cell. Now I was not aware that the regularness of one's digestive tract is a major factor in both evolutionary theory as well as regularity but the randomness of the digestive process seems organized if you really think about it while being ooky on the toiler. Since this was proved in a clinic, which despite having a bunch of panty-sniffing Christofascist Republicans demanding the right to tell me what to do with my body, it's my choice fuckers!

[mark Darwin g]

What is Activa? A. They say Dannon Activia is a delicious lowfat yogurt with the natural probiotic culture Bifidus Regularis. I say if you eat enough of this stuff it'll go thru you like shit through a goose.

[Dennis The Peasant]

It seems clear to me that the state of "being regular" is both subjective and heteronormative. Is there such a thing as "intestinal transit time privilege"?

[Q]

Dennis, maybe you can answer me something.

Amanda denies being a man-hater-- which I define as someone who has a deep-seated and aggressive prejudice against men-- so I wonder three things:

1. Why does she do such a great job imitating one?

2. Why does she have a personal definition of the term "man-hater" which conveniently rules her own behavior out of bounds?

3. If Amanda were to be hit on the head by a falling moose-head like Basil Fawlty and that caused her to start hating men, would anyone notice a big difference from before?

[mark Darwin g]

"Is there such a thing as "intestinal transit time privilege"?"

You'd have to enter her colon from one end or the other first and your chances of surviving aren't very good in either case.

[crella]

c'mon, her 'highly polished turd(was it?)' gem should be shoehorned in there somewhere...

[beep]

So here's the question: just what is Activia? A. With all the talk about global warming and obesity, it just makes sense (although I think that sense or the senses are I overrated, as a budding anti-empiricist except for of course lube and dildiage, employing teledildionics) to enjoy delicious foods (since we're just clumps of cells anyway without and recourse to a fascist higher MANpower or infinity) with important and good cultures, including probiotic (for pro-choice people, not like those closet ass-licking footsy playing Rethugs, always trying to shit in the slits of empowered ladies such as we ourselves, keeping them WIDE OPEN for the old white man one-train tube express line to barefooted indentured servitude of the womb ( the Wombats( nothing like reappropriating the violence of speech of the WRONG)))?) culture Bifidus Regularis; Activia uses science, not some old fogery oppressive religious paradigm of hate and superstition, to proactively and progressively take ownership of YOUR digestive systHER, if of course you commit yourself to the food regiWYMN of just two weeks, thereby resulting in nice quick shits.

[Flyby Reader]

Why not give away the Charmin instead? I guess it'd be better than Marcotte's tome for the best use of both . . .