Dennis the Peasant

This Week's Amanda Sentence... With Bonus Bad Joke!

Konnichi wa! Leonard Pinth-Garnell here...

 

Well, this past week was a busy one at Pandagon, leaving our heroine little time to post on all things feminist. The new site isn't quite as hideous as the old one, but it still manages to violate a couple of the established rules of website design. Amanda's pleased though, and that really is all that matters, isn't it?

 

Anyway, because the number of sentences for the week was down, I decided to throw in a bonus... What I consider to be the worst joke I've managed to cull from It's A Jungle Out There. You can thank me later.

 

Sentence #1:

 

We’ve had a server change, a software change and a complete redesign to bring the site looking both modern and with the retro flair that pretty much defines what’s modern now.

 

32 words. So the definition of "modern" is "both modern and with a retro flair". So what does one call "modern and without with a retro flair"? Post-modern?

 

Sentence #2:

 

We’re looking at the biggest changes we’ve faced in three years, and I for one think this is going to be a bigger, more badass Pandagon that lives up to the badassery of our animal of inspiration.

 

37 or so words. Only Amanda could consider the shy, slow-moving, cute, adorable, cuddly, vegetarian panda to be a "badass" animal. Evidently she knows zoology to the same extent she knows grammar, syntax, spelling, economics, philosophy and religion. Given the amount of trouble she's had with her choice of illustrations for "It's A Jungle Out There", I'd have put money on her using either a gorilla or a Mau-Mau warrior in the Pandagon logo.

 

Sentence #3:

 

Ezra’s post gently puts to rest the ancient Democratic hobbyhorse of lamenting the loss of that percentage of white working class voters that long ago quit voting their economic interests and started voting against uppity black people and women, and against the “liberal elite”.

 

45 words. So, all them bitter unedjacamacated po white trash fundies are just too patriarchal, racist, provincial and ignorant to know where their true interests lie. Tragically, if only they'd listen to Amanda, all would be revealed and their problems would be solved…

 

Sentence #4:

 

I’m not sure how we win back the “Reagan Democrats”—white people, men especially, who would rather vote to screw those less privileged than themselves than to lift themselves up.

 

30 words. It's just a thought, but one way of winning them back could possibly involve cessation of the insultingly crude stereotyping. Like I said, just a thought…

 

This Week's Special Jury Prize For The Most Hilarious Example Of Amanda Marcotte Having Absolutely No Self Awareness:

 

I enjoy writers willing to hang out all their personality flaws for the world to see, but it’s also amazing to me how some of them can describe themselves so well and not realize that these are the sort of soul-destroying personality flaws that will cause them massive problems.

 

50 words. Beyond stating the obvious - Amanda Marcotte is completely irony-proof - I have no comment..

 

Sentence #6:

 

It’s too bad, because I was pretty eager to read the story, as I am both a fan of the video game in question and have a fantasy rock band with my boyfriend called Shitbird.

 

35 words. "Shitbird"?

 

Sentence #7:

 

I knew from the get-go that we weren’t reading a story by someone with healthy boundaries, when she started the story by recounting how she spent the summer after high school taking up space in her boyfriend’s band’s touring van in an effort to stop him from fucking groupies, and how she had to leave when the band got so fed up with her that they revoked her bathroom privileges.

 

71 words. Wow... Count the number of sentences! I don't know what's funnier, the sentence Amanda's constructed here, or the idea that the patriarchy can control women via the withholding of bathroom privileges.

 

Sentence #8:

That broad brush insinuates that all men struggle with having to suffer women’s personalities in order to get laid, and that women have to nag and plead for men’s attentions and that we don’t have dignity enough to hang around hoping men throw us the half-chewed bone of attention.

 

50 words. I'll just bet what she meant to say was that she has dignity enough not to hang around hoping a man throws her a half-chewed bone of attention. Remember: Proofreading is the enemy. And by the way, what the fuck is a "bone of attention"? If it's what I think it is, I now know why I have a short attention span.

 

This Weeks Special Jury Prize For The Unfunniest Amanda Marcotte Joke Found In "It's A Jungle Out There" This Week:

 

Page 144, entitled "The Argument Over Identity Politics, Summarized In A One-Act Play"

 

Wingnuts: (singing) We love oppressing the women! Get back in the kitchen, you, and make us a baby!

 

Women: That's it! We're not taking any more of this!

 

Wingnuts: Who is this "we" you speak of?

 

The End

 

I am not making this up. That really is page 144 in its' entirety. I swear it!

 

What can I say? Vote early and vote often. And remember, vote for The Children! This week's winner will receive, absolutely free of charge...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A freshly made Pandagon Vegetarian Tunaburger of Death! With chips!

It's Time For More Bad Progressive Poetry...

Leonard Pinth-Garnell here. It's that time again... Culled from a variety of "Progressive" websites, here's this week's pile of Bad Progressive Poetry.

 

First, we have an appropriately gooey, sticky and altogether icky bit of saccharine sweetnessy sweetness to remind us that Change = Hope... especially when it comes to The Children.

 

The Smallest Obama

She clings to her father’s hand
small fingers intertwined with his
The crowd is large and tall
and surges near;
faces she does not remember
happily call out her name

She looks up
and smiles at her father
he is tall, taller, tallest,  
he waves and grins,
his hand touching outstretched hands
thousands of hands
each reaching to grasp as they shake
the one hand he extends outstretched
one hand,
but not both, not today
this one, in the curve of her fingers,
this one, is hers

 

I have no idea what sort of drug this particular poet has ingested. I don't like it, I don't approve of it, and I want some (the drug, not the poetry).

 

They spoke in hushed tones,

 

lest they violate the solemnity
of the timeless ceremony.
They watched in awe as the dancers
hopped around the striped pole
while slinging
hog entrails at each other.
The ritual toe wrestling contest
held them entranced.
The presentation of the
initiate in the deeply traditional
outfit of
clown shoes,
ballerina dress, and
a goat's head mask
elicited short, excited, breaths
from both of them.
And the pinnacle of the service,
the ritual immersion of the initiate
in a vat of
honey and chicken feathers
(to symbolize his newfound
right to borrow fishing gear
from the neighbors)
was even more moving than their
professor had promised.
There were tears in their eyes
as they chanted "Great googlie mooglie!"
with the others,
and prepared to go to the
post-ceremonial feast,
the smell of the Ritz crackers
and assorted Jello molds
practically making them swoon
in anticipation.

 

My favorite lines by this poet?

"...she didn't have the balls

Or testicular fortitude..."

Accurate and succinct.

 

Hillary Clinton: America's Foe

Hillary is a foe to the USA
Tells us all lies every single day
Likes to change the rules in the middle of the game
Likes to make excuses everyone else knows are lame

She tried to change our US health care laws
But did not go far enough; she didn't have the balls
Or testicular fortitude, whichever you desire
These days, to Big Pharma, Hillary is for hire

The biggest vote she has ever known
Was about Iraq, her vote was blown
She bought the Bush lies, hook, line and sinker
And now the excuse she makes really is a stinker

Hillary could have led the way for those who were opposed
To endless war without reason, but she simply got hosed
To this day she refuses to admit it was a mistake
The Iron Lady persona is really just a fake

She claims she went to Bosnia under heavy fire
Yet another story that proves Hillary is a liar
Now she plans to nuke Iran and maybe her own party
(Neither of those big ideas is really very smart(y))

Hillary is our enemy and only cares for number one
She's really Annie Oakley, she's really good with guns
That is what she would like you and I to believe
Oh, dear Hillary, why can't you simply LEAVE?

Hillary is not a friend to the USA
Check it out: vote for Obama today
When he is elected in the first days of November
Some will think of Hillary and have nothing to remember

 

Finally, it seems obvious somebody's been reading way too much William S. Burroughs.

 

1775

(Onward Christian Soldiers, as sung by Ethel Merman)
The Kings of the Market, the Bishops
of Government, the Generals of God, Inc. --
they'll preach circles around you. Hang on,
pilgrim (said in a John Wayne drawl).
Here we go again: a Texas twister
of words around your hungry head.
God, Country, Constitution, Founding Fathers.
Yakkety-yak, don't talk back. You could starve
to death in third-hand boots by the time
they've listed all the ways to shut up and salute.
Not much these days about that little word,
revolution.

Embarrassing . . . But we had one. We did.
(Mighty Mouse theme.) Threw the bastards out.
Those used to be inspiring stories. Now
you don't hear them so much. Especially
since America, in conjunction with the CIA, DOD,
DEA, FBI, NSA and ASS has overthrown itself
and any other revolution that wanted to kick
the power junkies off their fix and let the people
who work the world run it. I wonder
what ol' Ben Franklin would think of that?
(Insert James Bond theme here.)

Of course, (Drum & fife music.) in Ben's day
things didn't quite mean their opposite. But
we're so much more sophisticated now. Everything
we know is wrong and backwards and
what's funny is that we know and don't care.
That's how post-modern and pre-informed we are.
If you aren't part of the joke, how can you get it?
Laugh it up. Show me them pearly whites.

For instance: (The Third Man theme, Orson Welles
narrating.) Forget Gettysburg and Berlin. The South
won the Civil War and the Germans won WWII.
Jump down, turn around, get yourself a union --
those companies you work for are plantations.
Look closely and you'll see the stars
in the Stars and Stripes are actually teeny, tiny
little swastikas hand-stitched by graveyard shift
piece-work children in foreign sweatshops.
Now that's quality workmanship.

(Bring up the Godfather theme, Brando narrating.)
Mafia? What Mafia? Our leaders are merely
a few humble fisherman who are blessed
with many friends in the import/export business.
As a personal favor and a token of respect,
they would prefer that you not get any ideas
about taking off God, President and Company
from your back like and old saddle. Guido says:
don't be a hero, and if we need to whack you,
like Martin Luther King, don't take it
personally. It's just business.

The good news is that (Twilight Zone theme.)
in top secret captured alien laboratories
bunkered under the Washington Monument,
researchers have finally identified the gene
for revolution and managed to turn it off.

I'm sorry. I made that last part up. What?
Oh, what I meant to say is: I made it all up.
There-is-not-a-rifle-with-a-scope-targeting-
my-head-and-I-am-saying-this-of-my-own-free-
will-and-not-reading-a-prepared-statement.

In the name of all that's holy, do
(Star Spangled Banner, as played by Marilyn Manson.)
as you're told. Rock and roll over
in your fancy straw and go back to sleep.
Keep working, peasants, I mean,
consumers. I mean, citizens. Move along.
Nothing to see here. Laugh with the laugh track
and the world laughs with you. Pray for King
and Company. I mean President and Country.
Damn this language that will not bow or bend!
You don't want to go against God.
(Slowly fade up The Internationale, as sung
by the Mormon Tabernacle Choir)

Do you?

Surprisingly Enough, I Didn't Find This At Pandagon...

This is a classic.

 

The Truth About Barack Obama comes from one of everybody's favorite progressive dimwits, Oliver Willis, and it is a perfect example of how not to write a fact sheet. Once you've read it, I think it fair to assume you'll have found it juvenile, simple-minded and patronizing to a fault. I know I did. I find it hard to imagine just who Ollie is writing this thing for, but a limited amount conjecture suggests the following:

 

• Very, very old and somewhat befuddled grandmotherly types.
• A classroom of third graders who've run low on their Ritalin.
• People who read Pandagon for the intellectual stimulation it provides.
• Keith Olbermann.
• Huffington Post.

 Or maybe it just reminds Ollie of what worked for him when he was in Special Ed back in Junior High.

 

Note that I've removed all of the hyperlinks so that you can focus on the quality of Ollie's writing. It's debatable as to whether I should have done that, because several links are, in and of themselves, enough to make you laugh out loud.

 

The Truth About Barack Obama

Some things every American should know about Sen. Barack Obama.

 

1.       Did you know that Barack Obama is a devout Christian? He has been a member of the same United Church of Christ congregation for 20 years, and was married there to his wife Michelle in 1992.

 

2.       Did you know that Barack Obama often leads the US Senate in the Pledge of Allegiance?

 

3.       Did you know that Barack Obama is a strong friend of Israel and has spoken out strongly against anti-Semitism?

 

4.       Did you know his grandparents from Kansas were part of the “Greatest Generation?. His grandfather served with Patton’s Army during World War II, and his grandmother, a real “Rosy the Riveter”, worked in a bomber assembly plant back home.

 

5.       Did you know that Barack Obama was opposed to the war in Iraq from day one, before we invaded, even while he was running for the Senate, and knowing his opposition might be politically unpopular? “I know that even a successful war against Iraq will require a U.S. occupation of undetermined length, at undetermined cost, with undetermined consequences. I know that an invasion of Iraq without a clear rationale and without strong international support will only fan the flames of the Middle East and encourage the worst, rather than best, impulses of the Arab world and strengthen the recruitment arm of al Qaeda. I am not opposed to all wars. I’m opposed to dumb wars.” –Barack Obama, 2002

 

6.       Did you know Obama favors transparency over secrecy in our government? Did you know that Obama worked with Republican Senator Tom Coburn to pass one of the strongest government transparency bills since the freedom of information act? He’s calling it Google for Government and you can see the results at www.usaspending.gov. Sen. Obama has also released his own tax returns for public review.

 

7.       Did you know that after graduating with honors from Harvard Law School, Barack practiced civil rights law and also taught Constitutional Law for 10 years at the University of Chicago, one of the nation’s best law schools, where he was consistently rated by his students as one of their best instructors? Did you also know that he was the first African-American elected president of the prestigious Harvard Law Review?

 

8.       Did you know that Barack Obama is an outspoken advocate for women’s rights and has been a principled defender of the civil rights of women?

 

9.       Did you know that despite the grueling schedule of running for President, Senator Obama remains a devoted family man, making time to do things like pick out a Christmas tree with his wife and two young daughters, or hurrying home to spend Valentine’s Day with them? Did you know he hasn’t missed a single parent-teacher conference while running for President?

 

10.   Did you know that Barack Obama has a stellar environmental record, including having the highest rating from the League of Conservation Voters (96%) of any Presidential candidate, Democrat or Republican?

 

11.   Did you know that Barack Obama has been an elected legislator longer than Senator Clinton?

 

12.   Did you know that Barack is a member of all of these Senate Committees: Foreign Relations; Veteran’s Affairs; Health, Education, Labor & Pensions; Homeland Security and Government Affairs?

 

13.   Did you know that Senator Obama has sponsored or co-sponsored 15 bills that have become law, and has introduced amendments to 50 bills, of which 16 were adopted since he joined the Senate in 2005?

 

14.   Did you know that Senator Obama sponsored legislation working together with Indiana Republican Senator Richard Lugar, to keep Americans safe by keeping dangerous weapons out of terrorist hands? The two senators also visited the former Soviet Union to inspect the decommissioning of nuclear weapons. Sen. Lugar said of Sen. Obama, “He does have a sense of idealism and principled leadership, a vision of the future.”

 

15.   Did you know that Barack Obama is the only candidate running for president who voted against using cluster bombs in Iraq and the only candidate who supports banning the use of landmines?

 

16.   Did you know that, as an Illinois state senator, Barack Obama succeeded in passing legislation requiring the videotaping of police interrogations, gaining the respect and support not only of fellow legislators but that of the police, who had initially opposed the legislation?

 

17.   Did you know that Theodore Roosevelt, Grover Cleveland, Ulysses S. Grant, John F. Kennedy, and Bill Clinton were all younger when they took office than Barack Obama will be?

 

Maybe it's because I'm just a burned out, bitter, old  and unedjamacated piece of Po White Trash, but if someone came to my door and tried to get me to vote for anyone with this sort of drivel, I'd be tempted to donate money and volunteer time to ensure that candidate's defeat.

This Week's And Last Week's This Week's Amanda Marcotte Sentence...

Hi ho. Leonard Pinth-Garnell here...

 

Sorry it's been so long, but with being threatened by non-white people, bitter about my dead-end job and resentful of those with more edjamacation that what I have, I simply haven't had the time to devote to gender-specific abuse. Here's my attempt at catching up...

 

Sentence #1:

 

It’s hard to believe that in the 21st century, one of the battles women still have to fight is convincing people that women are not moral and mental children.

 

29 words. That's right Amanda. It's what makes the fact that you never write about women in Islamic countries so puzzling.

 

Sentence #2:

 

It’s generally understood that sex and birth control are inflicted on women by devious men, and that women can be likened most to animals—if left in the wild and unmanipulated by our mental superiors, we’d happily reproduce over and over again with nary a blip of protest.

 

48 or so words. Anyone other than myself notice the internal contradiction here? Sex is "inflicted" upon helpless women folk, who, left to their own devices would "happily reproduce over and over again with nary a blip of protest"? Could it be that Amanda has embraced her Catholic side and now believes in immaculate conception?

 

Sentence #3:

 

But obviously, the idea that women are somewhere between animal and human extends past the reproductive rights debate.

 

18 words. Obviously.

 

Sentence #4:

 

I think I drive to Marc’s studio more than any other place, and even that will probably not be an issue after we move even more central in a couple of months.

 

32 words. Just how much central will Amanda move in the next few months? For that matter, how does one measure one's central?

 

Sentence #5:

 

I don’t drive much, but I eat a whole lot, and food is getting expensive, and I think transportation costs are a big part of it.

 

26 words. Didn't you get Barack's message, Amanda? We're all supposed to be eating less. For Gaia's sake.

 

Sentence #6:

 

I just want to make sure this post is understood not to be talking about marriages where the sex life has actually dwindled inside the marriage.

 

26 words. Amanda has blogging software that talks? Who knew?

 

Sentence #7:

 

This article is more another whine from a guy who wants to screw around and wants his wife to “understand”, i.e. tolerate it without demanding her own right to screw around.

 

31 words. "More another"? Remember, proofreading is the enemy.

 

Sentence #8:

 

But most sex surveys I’ve seen show that sexual satisfaction goes up with education levels.

 

15 words. Translation: I read a story once about a couple who enjoyed sex more while at the college on the hill than at the High School in the valley.

 

Sentence #9:

 

As women age, they may not be less sexual, but they generally do get more powerful and more threatening.

 

19 words. Amanda, would this conclusion would be based on anything other than the fact that men run screaming from you more often these days than they did ten years ago?

 

Sentence #10:

 

One of the ongoing issues in this election is going to be waking people up to the fact that John McCain is a grade A, totally not moderate social conservative.

 

30 words. I understand that Barack is big with the younger set, but is that any reason to write/talk like you were still in Junior High? Is Amanda looking for a blogging gig with the Obama campaign?

 

Sentence #11:

 

I like the use of his wife draped over him, which in an ad like this is supposed to convey the message that regardless of his odious views on women’s rights, McCain still gets someone to hang out with him.

 

40 words. Note the blithe assumption that (a) unrestricted access to abortion is a "right", and that (b) there are no "real" woman would associate with a man that doesn't support the "right" to an abortion.

 

Sentence #12:

 

Like his ad says, he’s [McCain] an unwavering misogynist, a true believer and a shithead.

 

14 words. Ah, Amanda Marcotte… Compassionate Progressive. And remember, this was the same bimbo who, two weeks ago, was blogging about the essential rightness of a book entitled "Outright Barbarous: How the Violent Language of the Right Poisons American Democracy".

 

Sentence #13:

 

It’s about the social pressures to perform heterosexuality that are put on everyone, regardless of sexual orientation.

 

17 words. Just how does one "perform heterosexuality", irrespective of sexual orientation? Is this something we will see out of cirque du soleil soon?

 

This Week's Special Jury Prize For The Amanda Marcotte Post Which Has Tempted Us The Most To Note That "Out Of My Mental Reach" Could Apply To Just About Anything She Writes About:

 

The word “penultimate” belongs in the same category as the Oxford comma. What that category is, however, is out of my mental reach. Help from the whip-smart Pandagonians?

 

Sentence #14:

 

I know I’m supposed to find the character of Pepper Potts in Iron Man offensive and sexist.

 

17 words. Actually, what I think you're supposed to do when confronted by a female character named "Pepper Potts" is have enough sense to understand the character isn't meant to be taken very seriously.

 

Sentence #15:

 

And then I read this thread, where a discussion about whether or not Pepper is negatively portrayed as materialist hinged on her purchase of an evening gown with Tony’s money for her birthday.

 

33 words. Of course, one of the hallmarks of being a Sensitive Progressive is having the ability to take any sort of nonsense with complete seriousness.

 

This Week's Special Jury Prize For The Funniest Amanda Marcotte Burst Of Self-Awareness We've Had In A Long Time:

 

Pepper Potts is Jeeves. Her direct action and her good taste in clothes make her closer to the original Jeeves character in the P.G. Wodehouse stories than most of the butler characters—including Alfred in the Batman stories—that have been modeled on the original in the intervening years.

 

I only have my own internalized and unwanted sexism to blame for why I didn’t see it before that thread. I kept trying to compare Pepper to other female characters, which prevented me from seeing that the archetype she fits is actually one that’s been predominantly male over the years…

 

Sentence #16:

 

I can understand why this woman is deluding herself—it’s both flattering to imagine you’re so hot men are inspired to passion by the mere site of you and it also helps protect the brain from realizing how many men out there just really hate you—but I’m sure she’s not unaware of those times when the cat-calling occurs when there are no other people around and you find yourself grabbing for a weapon or your cell phone.

 

In the neighborhood of 80 words. You learn something new every day. For instance, I had no idea that some women maintain sites of themselves. I wonder, though, what makes the site of a woman a "mere site", and what it is about sites of women and/or mere sites of women that inspires brutish men to the heights of passion. Could it be the sight of a site? Beyond that, it's interesting to note that when "she" feels threatened by cat-calling, "you" find yourself grabbing for weapons or phones. I'd think "she'd" be the one reaching for the AK-47, not "you". Then again, I'm just a guy…

 

Sentence #17:

 

The thing about conflating cat-calling or other forms of domination with male sexual desire is that this is a gross insult to men who can tell the difference between “I’d like to see her smiling at me with pleasure” and “I’d like to see her crying in fear of my mighty manhood that needs constant reinforcing”.

 

57 words. I'm glad my mighty manhood doesn't need constant reinforcing. Sounds painful. And expensive.

 

Sentence #18, with addendum:

 

The article notes that 98% of the women surveyed had been cat-called at some point, and 30% report that it’s a common thing. (It is for me, because I spend a lot of time out and about.)

 

38 words. Out and about where?

 

This Week's Special Jury Prize For The Most Ineptly Written, Bizarrely Argued And Completely Confusing Paragraph Composed By Amanda Marcotte In Recent Memory:

 

Or that’s what I learned from this thread at Huffington Post about this incident involving a 16-year-old who put together an only half-intelligible video about being raped and not having the prosecutor press charges for the rape, a perfectly plausible scenario, especially considering the girl’s very real distress on the video. Of course, second comment in people are griping about how it’s all lies and an act—seriously, the way some men act in the comments on stories like this, you’d think they collectively raped the various victims who are being accused of lying. Some hide behind a concern for the right to be considered innocent until proven guilty (in court, you morons—private citizens are allowed their opinions), but interestingly they have no problem judging a woman guilty of false accusations. Accusing someone of lying about being the victim of a crime is a serious accusation, and by their own measure they shouldn’t be making it.

 

Sentence #19:

 

So what his friend is doing is that he already decided to bend over for the bullshit and is looking for a rationalization for it, so he doesn’t have to admit that he’s a wanker

 

35 words. Remember, the above sentence was written by an educated white person; not by the sort of under-educated, semi-literate, furrow-browed mouth-breather who would never vote for a Negro.

 

This Week's Special Jury Prize For The Most Dazzling Amanda Marcotte Insight In The Last Week Or So:

 

Look, religion is not a race, and it’s arguably not even a culture.

 

Sentence #20:

 

Why on earth would a warm-blooded heterosexual Christian man want to put his mouth on the penis sleeve, if not because he secretly likes to taste cock salt?

 

29 words. One thing about Amanda… You can't accuse her of ignoring the big issues in life, can you?

 

This Week's Special Jury Prize For The Most Hilarious Example Of The Evils Of The Patriarchy Presented By Amanda Marcotte In The Last Week Or So:

 

This article is well-intentioned, but kind of gave me an uneasy vibe. It’s about a trend I was blissfully unaware of until very recently, when I went out bowling with some friends to a place that plays loud music and videos, and suddenly this song came on—I can’t tell you which one—and like half the people at the bowling alley started to do some kind of line dance. As I stood there appalled, my friends explained that this is some new thing that’s really popular, and later my friend Spinetta emailed out a video of a bunch of middle aged men doing the same dance in kilts….at a wedding of course.

 

In other words, you can blame the patriarchy for shitty dance crazes, at least in part.

 

Sentence #21:

 

Have you ever tried to talk someone out of a bad idea?

 

12 words. No, but I'm sure you'd have written "It's A Jungle Out There" anyway.

 

Remember kids... Vote early and vote often, just like the Republicans do.

 

This week's grand prize winner will receive a copy of...

 

The Pandagon Heteronormative Anatomical Chart Of Death!

 

Are You Voting For Barack, Or Are You A Racist?

As many of you have probably realized, up to now I've limited my abuse of Pandagonians to Amanda Marcotte. This certainly shouldn't be construed as a ringing endorsement of Pam Spaulding's body of work... far from it, actually. It's just that while Pam plainly isn't the brightest of bipeds, she has managed to master rudimentary grammar, syntax and punctuation. That puts her about 100,000 years ahead of Amanda Marcotte on Dennis' evolution timeline. That said, the bimbo really is a dimwit. Now, as part of her outreach program to potential Barack Obama voters, Pam has decided to commence with the bludgeoning of all white folks what ain't seen the Perfect Goodness of his Barackness:

Clinton wins Kentucky, race chasm proven again

Hillary Clinton easily breezed by Barack Obama in the Kentucky primary, bolstered again by working-class, less educated whites who made their decision to vote for her based on their unwillingness to vote for a black person. Another sad day in America.

Race played a decisive role in Hillary Rodham Clinton’s lopsided victory in Tuesday’s Democratic presidential primary in Kentucky, the latest contest to emphasize how fierce her rivalry against Barack Obama has become among the party’s voters.

…Seven in 10 whites overall backed Clinton in Kentucky, including about three quarters of those who have not completed college. That made Tuesday’s contest one of her stronger performances yet with those blue-collar white voters — little surprise considering Kentucky has one of the country’s highest proportions of people who are not college graduates.

How much does prejudice factor into this? The Bluegrass State is living in another time, where Negroes knew their place — and one of those places was certainly not on a ballot running for president.

* About one in five whites said race played a role in choosing a candidate;
* Nine in 10 of that group backed Clinton — the highest proportion yet among the 28 states where that question has been asked in exit polls;
* Only three in 10 whites who said race was a factor said they would vote for Obama should he oppose McCain in November;
* Nearly four in 10 said they would back McCain, while the rest said they wouldn’t vote.

I don't know how much time Pam Spaudling has spent in Kentucky, but I'm willing to guess it's somewhere between little and none. I'm further willing to guess that Pam hasn't the faintest idea of what race relations are actually like in them there parts. But then again, to the likes of Pam Spaulding, working with facts just get in the way of The Greater Truth.

It's interesting to note, however, that the statistics Pam cites aren't quite as damning of us Whities as she'd like you to believe:

• Note that 20% of the white electorate stated that "race played a role" in their voting decision. Nowhere do we find an exact definition of what that actually means. Spaulding takes it to mean that far 20% of the white electorate race was the predominate/deciding factor in their voting decision. That conclusion is not supported by the source she cites.
• That race was not the predominate/deciding factor for many is demonstrated by Pam pointing out that 30% of these race conscious whites plan to vote for Obama in the general election. Another 30% plan to simply not vote. If 60% of your basic white racist cracker vote can't get motivated enough to vote either for the White Guy or against the Black Guy, well, then we just aren't makin' racists the way we used to.
• According to the statistics, 90% of white voters who admit that race has entered their decision making process are voting for Hillary Clinton. Horrors. The fact that 90% of African-Americans are voting for Barack Obama rather than Hillary Clinton in the Democratic primaries is obviously based on specific policy positions that Obama has adopted and Clinton has not. Right? Evidently voting your race is only a bad thing if you're white. Then it's racism. If you're Of Color, it's OK. Then it's solidarity. Or whatever.

And speaking of whatever, Pam has an explanation as to why Honkeys are voting at a 9 to 1 clip for Hillary is fundamentally different than African-Americans voting for Barack at a 9 to 1 clip:

Needless to say that’s the polar opposite of what I’ve called affinity voting — blacks voting for Obama in large numbers. Many are voting for him because he represents ideals and policies they agree with; that he’s the first credible, positive black candidate for president is a huge historical bonus. Those who say this is some sort of race bloc voting are not seeing this clearly — as I’ve mentioned before, if race alone was the deciding factor, we would have seen Alan Keyes or Cynthia McKinney racking up some serious vote totals.

Uh-huh. Sure.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boys assemble at Dennis' house for Poker Night...

So, evidently, this is the way it is going to play out of the next five months or so. If you're black and voting for Obama, you're voting as you do because you have an affinity for the man. If you're white and voting for anyone other than Obama, you're a racist. Or, as Pam puts it:

To have a whole demo[graphic] of voters so poisoned by their own racism to vote for someone white simply to avoid casting a ballot for a person of color is sad. To then be willing to stay home in November or worse, vote for John McCain, who clearly doesn’t represent working class interests, is tragic.

Now I don't know about you, but the thought of having every Bozo for Barack spending their time between now and November 4 either questioning my fundamental human decency or simply demonizing me based on the color of my skin and my choice of candidate does not appeal to me. And I'm pretty sure that it isn't the best way to go about convincing Undecideds (presently an overwhelmingly white demographic) that Barack Obama can best represent their interests upon assuming the presidency. But none of that matters to Ol' Pam...

Black voters have been the most reliable voter base for the Democratic party regardless of the race of the candidate. That the party has spent so much time chasing this close-minded voting block of working class whites, even touting them, is kind of sad (or enraging, depending on your POV).

 Once again, I must step back and marvel at the self-defeating mentality that routinely engulfs our little progressive friends. Barack Obama may wish for a post-racial America, but whether many of his followers can be induced to forgo The Hate is another question altogether.
 

An Example of the Sort of Prose Amanda Marcotte Could Only Dream About Writing...

Muffy, who has suffered through her share of Amandaisms as part of her wifely devotions, pointed out this bit of prose as the sort of writing authors such as Amanda Marcotte should aspire to...

It comes from the back of a six-pack container of Dannon Activia Light Fat Free Yogurt, and goes (snicker) thusly:

Q. What is Activia? A. Dannon Activia is a delicious lowfat yogurt with the natural probiotic culture Bifidus Regularis. Activia is clinically proven to help regulate your digestive system when eaten daily for two weeks, by helping to reduce long intestinal transit time.

"Long intestinal transit time". That's a phrase so beautifully turned that I damn near cried upon first hearing it.

After giving this all certain amount of reflection, it seems logical to me that we honor the anonymous talent that turned this magnificent phrase in a manner befitting its context...

... So, let's have a contest!

Rewrite the Dannon Activia Q&A above as you'd imagine Amanda Marcotte would write it. If Amanda Marcotte could actually get a job writing copy, that is. Which she couldn't. In any event, submissions are being solicited and should be deposited (snicker) in the Comments Section. Don't let your transit time lengthen, though, because the winner gets a copy of It's A Jungle Out There, courtesy of Dennis the Peasant!

This Week's This Week's Amanda Sentence...

Sentence #1:

You want to read a book that will make you uncomfortably reexamine the kind of rhetoric you use, right down to your choice of metaphors?

27 words. "Uncomfortably reexamine"?

Sentence #2:

Well, if you don’t, you should: Jeffrey Feldman’s new book Outright Barbarous: How the Violent Language of the Right Poisons American Democracy.

22 words. First note that the above is not actually a sentence. It is, however, pure Amanda. Also note that this is the same Sensitive Progressive who routinely describes those with whom she disagrees as "wingnuts", "fundies", "facists" and "douchebags", and who (just last week) compared Karl Rove to a serial killer.

Sentence #3:

Conservatives can’t win in a fair debate where all sides present their views to be hashed out in the public forum, and they clearly know it, because instead of submitting themselves to the debate, the right wing pundits have instead turned to fear-mongering and reimagining our objectively peaceful country as a war zone.

54 words. News Flash: Amanda Marcotte now believes the United States is an "objectively peaceful" country. What happened to all the illegal warmongering in the Middle East? The imperialism in Southeast Asia? The subjugation of Africa by Capitalist Elements? The Patriarchy? Has Amanda forgotten all about the underlying thesis of Naomi Klein's "Disaster Capitalism"? Has she found White Privilege and Feminist Victimology to be base fiction? Or is she just too damn stupid to think through her argument?

Sentence #4:

There’s not much of an honest debate about gun control in this country, because right wingers skip the facts and go straight for the mythologizing about how every Republican man is besieged by a bunch of gun-wielding maniacs, attacking him in airports and fast food joints, and even coming into his home to rape his wife, and if he wasn’t able to periodically litter the landscape with bullets, it would be worse.

In the neighborhood of 69 words. Am I the only one struck by the elegance of this sentence? Despite said elegance, it is hard to ignore just how many clichés Amanda throws in to her "honest" argument against gun control.

Sentence #5:

The debate over church and state separation was slowly being won by the side of right through civilized arguments—even though the creationists tried to create a circus atmosphere in Dover, PA, for instance, the fact that people were still shoved into witness boxes and asked to explain themselves made it obvious that the creationists were spewing bullshit and they lost.

61 words. I'm sure Amanda is referencing a particular current event here, but it would be so much nicer if she could do so coherently. As it stands, what we have is a sentence with a very high "What the fuck?" factor.

Sentence #6:

It’s not a little alarming, because the War on Christmas is about cultural dominance for a strand of Protestant Christianity versus religious tolerance, and no good comes from convincing people that they’re waging a religious war.

37 words. Yet another sentence that makes between little and no sense. What is "not a little alarming"? And what does "not a little alarming" mean in this context? Is whatever it is extremely alarming, or is it not alarming at all?

Sentence #7:

I like science and reading about science more than your average American, I suspect (I have like half a dozen podcast subscriptions at least that are science podcasts of some sort), but I’m far from well-educated on these subjects.

40 words. There is much to ponder here. Which subjects does Amanda consider herself well-educated about? English composition? Rhetoric? Philosophy? Economics? Beyond that, imagine if Amanda had chosen to pursue a career in a scientific field. Imagine, if you can, our Amanda testing hypotheses with the same intellectual rigor she demonstrates in her writings at Pandagon. Come to think of it, though, Amanda probably could have fit in very well as a Climate Scientist. As an aside, it's always fun when someone pats themselves on the back for being smarter than the average bear and then says, in purest Valley Girl-ese, "I have like a half dozen…"

Sentence #8:

People don’t understand the laws of thermodynamics, but that doesn’t get the religious right all puffed up about filling in the blanks with god.

24 words. [Insert hysterical laughter here]

Sentence #9:

It probably also meant the scientists she was working with were a lot more clear on what exactly they know that the public must know, because the public’s ignorance is both more obvious and more dangerous in these areas.

39 words. Ignoring the rather serious WTF factor here, what I'd like to know is this: Just what is more clear than clear? Is there a state of clear that is less clear than the clearest clear. Or what?

Sentence #10:

This is where Angier’s talents at making forbidding topics easy to understand really comes in handy, because the theories that she explains are ones you probably need to know if you’re going out there to fight the good fight on the politicization.

42 words. "…the fight on politicization"? "Politicization"? Is that really a word? And if it is, the "politicization" of what? Or is everyone gather on the "politicization" for some sort of fight against something or other? Won't that cause it to be crushed?

Sentence #11:

And nor was I aware that the way DNA mutates is a major factor in why evolutionary theory makes so much sense—what initially seems like a random sequence of events starts seeming organized if you really understand it, albeit organized by itself and not by a guiding hand from the outside.

52 words. This woman considers herself more knowledgeable than most about science and she didn't understand the link between DNA mutation and evolutionary change? Oy vey.

Sentence #12:

Again, anyone who accepts that a child is a combination of the genetic coding from both its parents has, whether he’ll admit it or not, already given up the major reason that descent with modification is a fact.

38 words. Huh? Sometimes I think mapping the human genome would be less perplexing than trying to unravel certain Amanda Sentences. Maybe I should have been a scientist.

This Week's Special Jury Prize For Most Tasteless (And Unfunny) Amanda Joke That Didn't End Up In "It's A Jungle Out There":

Another [Ecuadorian legislator] suggested that the legislation is like life in prison. I had an imagine of a man with a woman strapped spread eagle to his face like a feedbag, but that’s the only way I could really see this as a prison.

Bad taste, thy name is Amanda.

Sentence #13:

If men found women’s enthusiasm to be the baseline for engaging in sexual activity, instead of just consent, however reluctantly provided, then there’d be a whole lot less situations where men felt they’d obtained consent that women didn’t really give.

40 words. So it isn't a matter of what a woman says, it's a matter of how enthusiastically they say it. I don't see any problems in applying such a standard to the Real World. Do you?

Sentence #14:

In my world, most men consider female sexual pleasure a prize highly sought, and getting to witness it regularly doesn’t diminish the appeal at all.

25 words. Well, aren't we special?

Sentence #15:

Taking the two together, it’s doubly clear not only are same-sex marriage rights linked with interracial marriage rights because they have arguments in common for them, but also because the opponents are the same assholes they’ve always been, using the same arguments that they always have.

47 words. The elegance of the prose is exceeded only by the sophistication of the analysis. Or is it the other way 'round?

Sentence #16:

I had to take the cats to the vet this morning and overslept.

13 words. A classic Amanda non-sentence.

Vote, you swarthy dogs (sorry, but I'm a wingnut... therefore I use violent language to enhance the violence inherent in the system). This week's winner wins...

... the Pandagon Tape Measure of Death!

The Westerville Chronicles: A Plot, Indeed…

By the time I'd finished explaining my cunning plan, the emotions coursing across Kevy's face had run the gambit from shock to amusement to consternation. Consternation was where he was now. By contrast, the face of Deputy Sherriff Bruno Gerkin hadn't betrayed much of anything. There were a few moments where his color seemed to elevate slightly, but I wouldn't have bet money on any significant change in blood pressure on his part. He didn't even bat an eye when I told him his boss, the Delaware County Sherriff, had called me that very day with the suggestion that Bruno might make an excellent police chief. At the moment, Bruno seemed to be trying to figure out just how crazy I really was.

"Good Lord," said Kevy, once he was sure I was finished.

"This will go down in history as your personal best. Or worst."

I turned to Bruno Gerkin and met his gaze.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"I don't know," he said, and then swallowed hard.

"I just don't know."

I looked at Kevy, and then returned my gaze to Bruno.

"Look," I said matter-of-factly. "We've established you're qualified for the job. You've passed the promotional exam with the Civil Service Commission. You've got ten years of exceptional service under your belt with the Sherriff's Office. You've got above average fitness reviews out the wazoo. And, you're an ex-Marine and a Gulf War vet. Right?"

 Bruno didn't say anything.

"Am I right?" I asked.

"Yes, you are right," he said, jaw muscles starting to work. "It's just the coming out of the closet thing. It's bound to cause an uproar… Trouble for everyone…"

"No, no, no, no, no!" I said, wagging a finger at him. "It will cause trouble for me. Just me."

With that I took a swig of my Shirley Temple and stared Bruno Gerkin down.

"And that's exactly what I want…"

"But the City Council," Kevy said, breaking in. "You said they wouldn't oppose Bruno's appointment. How can you say that with Burt Flanagan there. He'll go crazy the minute he hears you're appointing an openly gay police chief. What about Penelope Gillenwater? And Clarence Detwiler?"

"Burt Flanagan may not like gays, but the bottom line is he's ex-Marine. Twenty years worth. His father was a Marine, and so was his father. It will be a cold day in Hell when Burt Flanagan opposes the appointment of an ex-Marine for any job the City has to offer. Believe me, I know Burt Flanagan. He'll be pissed at me… privately, that you can bet the farm on. But publicly oppose an ex-Marine becoming police chief because of his sexual orientation? Not a chance."

"What about the others?" Bruno asked. "Penelope Gillenwater is an 82 year old retired librarian. When she finds out you're gay, she's going to be very pleased Westerville will have a happy police chief."

At that Kevy snickered and shook his head in agreement.

"I believe you're right about that," he said with a laugh. "What about Clarence Detwiler?"

"Clarence Detwiler's most fervent wish is to get through life without being blamed for anything. He'll do whatever Burt Flanagan does," I replied, not bothering to hide the offhand contempt for Clarence that was registering in my voice.

With that, Bruno's brow furrowed.

"The bottom line is this: Whether the Delaware County Commissioners fire you or not isn't the issue. You'll never see another promotion there as long as you live… Despite the fact that Sherriff Russell thinks you're the greatest thing since sliced bread. If you come to Westerville, you have two years before you're up for re-election. That gives you two years to win over the citizenry. What's not to like about those odds?"

Bruno Gerkin shot Kevy Bellouche a quick glance and then unfurrowed his brow.

"All right," he said with a firm tone of voice. "Count me in."

"Kevy," I said, "How about getting Franz to bring us three glasses of champagne?"

In no time we were each holding up a glass of the Astrological Love Lounge's finest bubbly.

"To your new career," I said, holding my glass up in a toast to Bruno. "May your career be long and successful."

Bruno's face broke into a smile as we each took a gulp of champagne.

"Thanks," he said.

"And to your new career," Kevy said to me. "May you be recalled immediately!"

"I'll drink to that!" I replied.

We were still laughing when Franz appeared to refill our glasses.

………………………………

Despite the fact that we kept our celebrations at PJ's Astrological Love Lounge to one bottle of bubbly, it was late by the time I arrived at Peasant Manor. From the drive I could see but a single light in the house, that being to our bedroom. My expectation was to find her reading in bed, but when I entered our bedroom what I found was clothing and shoes strewn across the length and width of the room. From Muffy's walk-in closet came the sound of furious activity. She was still up, alright, and thoroughly engrossed in trying to decide on her inauguration ensemble.

"Hello?" I said.

There was no response. I hesitated before calling her again, and in doing so noticed she was talking to herself. I noticed I was starting to feel uneasy.

"Muffy? Darling?"

Muffy's head popped out from around the closet door.

"Yes?" she said.

"Um… I'm home," I said.

"So you are," she said in a distracted voice. "Yes, yes you are home."

Her head disappeared back into the closet. Immediately I could tell she had resumed talking to herself. I cleared my throat as loudly as I could and then called her again.

"Muffy?" I said, voice somewhat raised.

The Muffy noises ceased and almost immediately she emerged from the closet, clad in panties, bra and slip.

She gave me a frown and asked, "What?"

"No, no, no," I said. "I've just come home. I've just called to you. This is when you come to me with joy in your heart, give me a kiss of equal parts affection and passion, and say something like 'Hello, Dear. It's nice to have you home.'…"

With that she gave me a quick, half-hearted smile.

"You're right, of course," she said, and then walked up and gave me a peck on the cheek. "How was your day?"

Her eyes were at once strangely bright and unmistakably distant.

"Fine…," I replied. "Are you alright?"

"Yes, yes… Just trying to pick out what I'm going to wear to the inauguration."

She turned and went back into the closet. Now I sensed danger.

"Dear?" I said meekly. "You really don't need to be putting in this sort of effort just for my inauguration. I mean, all they're going to do is swear me in."

The sound of hangers being pushed along steel rods ceased. "What about your speech?" was what came from the closet.

"What speech?" I asked, in an even meeker tone.

"Your inauguration speech. Dear."

Despite the fact Muffy's tone was trending toward icy, I suddenly found myself beginning to sweat.

"Um… To be honest with you, Dear, I wasn’t planning on giving an inauguration speech." With that, Muffy's head popped out of the closet a second time.

"Why," she said slowly, with a measure of menace, "Not?"

All of the sudden, I found myself talking very rapidly.

"Well, I'm not so sure I'm cut out to be Mayor of Westerville. It's a lot of responsibility, and I'm not real big on responsibility. I just don't think I'd be very happy having to make responsible decisions and conduct myself responsibly and set the sort of example that would encourage others to act responsibly and…"

 "Dennis?"

 "… I'm not sure I could pull it off because, after all, I'm 50 and I really haven't had much experience in being a responsible adult. So I was thinking of keeping everything real low-key and one way of keeping things low-key is by skipping an inauguration spee…"

"Dennis!" "

What?"

"You're babbling."

"No I'm not."

"Yes, you are."

"Not at all, I was just pointing out that…"

"Stop! Babbling!" "Yes, Dear."

By this point in our conversion, Muffy had left the confines of the closet and was standing in front of me. In fact, she was standing right in front of me. Very close in front of me, actually. And given that I'm all of five feet six and she's five foot eleven, I was, at this particular juncture, staring at her chin. As I stood there considering her chin, I come to feel the light touch of a single finger under my jaw. Muffy lifted my jaw with that single finger until she assumed I was meeting her eyes. What I was actually doing was staring up her nose, but I decided in this instance discretion was the better part of valor. If Muffy thought I was looking into her eyes, well, then I was indeed looking into her eyes.

"You're looking in my nose again, aren't you?"

"Kinda."

Muffy slowly lowered her face until the tip of her nose touched the tip of mine.

"And now?" she asked.

We'd gone through this before, so I knew the correct answer to her question.

"I see the two mystical orbs - the two crystal balls - that are your eyes."

"What do you see in my eyes, Dear?"

"My future."

"And what does your future hold, Dear?"

"Well, I'm pretty sure I see an inauguration speech in my future."

"Pretty sure?"

"No. Actually, I definitely see an inauguration speech in my near future. No doubt about it."

"That's nice, Dear," Muffy said as she slid away from me and back to the closet. "Don't you think you should get busy on that?"

Seeing that further discussion on the subjects of Muffy's state of mind and my lack of ambition in the political arena would not be productive, I took Muffy's advice and retreated to the study to compose an inauguration speech that set the appropriate tone for my administration. It was beginning to dawn on me that getting fired as Mayor of Westerville might end up being the toughest job I'd ever had.

Last Week's This Week's Amanda Sentence...

Leonard Pinth-Garnell here. Last week was a busy one, what with links from Instapundit, Protein Wisdom and a clutch of Pajamas Media bloggers who have - at least until now - avoided this site like the plague. It is a measure of just how annoying Amanda Marcotte really is that cataloging her stupidities could be enough to motivate Glenn Reynolds to give me a link...

Anyway, here's a less than comprehensive listing of last week's Amanda brainfarts:

Sentence #1:

From Salon, I caught this article complaining about books-by-women-for-women, or more precisely, their covers.

18 words. Surprisingly enough, the article didn't complain about Amanda's book or its cover. Still, it's funny that Amanda would think this is the sort of subject she needs to address at this time…

Sentence #2:

Who doesn’t want to believe that being “good in bed” is about indulging your appetite for strawberry shortcake?

18 words. I've just received word that a Radical Woman of Cooking is claiming Amanda stole this idea from her.

Sentence #3:

In the real world, women experience sexual striving more as depriving ourselves of the shortcake.

15 words. "In the real world"?

Sentence #4:

I would add, as someone with my own set of capitalism-induced body image issues, that the reason many of covers prefer to focus on feet or ankles is because it’s easier to project yourself onto a slender ankle than onto an impossibly slender thigh.

45 words. "Capitalism-induced body image issues"? Is that like the capitalism-induced sexual striving shortcake deprivation thingy, or are we back to musing about Free Will?

Sentence #5:

I’m a big snob—I wish people read more for the edification of the mind and the deepening of the soul.

21 words. Oh, so that explains the impetus for "It's A Jungle Out There".

Sentence #6:

It’s sickening the way Rove is treated by the mainstream media—he should be received by decent people as if Jeffrey Dahmer walked into a room, but instead, he’s treated like a prince.

33 words. One thing you have to admit about our Mandy… She's got luv in her heart.

Sentence #7:

The country thanks this patriot for making all of us collectively stupider.

12 words. "Stupider"? I don't know, but it seems Amanda's already fairly patriotic, if you know what I mean.

Sentence #8:

But the real weak sauce, the demonstration that he’s just throwing shit against the wall to see what will stick, is in the list:

24 words. Throwing shit against the wall is a real weak sauce? Mealtime at Amanda's must be a lot of fun…

Sentence #9:

Carr2d2 has a post up at Skepchick examining whether or not “Battlestar Galactica” is propaganda-through-subterfuge, luring fans into Mormonism against our wills.

24 words. "Our wills"? We have more than one will? Last week Amanda was saying we didn't have any will. Or wills. Beyond that, how could anyone accuse feminism of being silly when you have feminists latching onto the idea that "Battlestar Galactica" is a front for Mormon proselytizing?

Sentence #10:

The sense of unmooredness, being adrift is something that speaks to people in these times, when living in the same neighborhood as your parents is becoming rare to the point of being frowned upon.

34 words. I defy anyone to explain this sentence. And where in the fuck did "unmooredness" come from?

On the off chance that one of your wills is free, feel compelled to vote for your favorite sentence. The winner will receive a Pandagonian Vagina of Death that is definitely more unmoored and stupider than the last Pandagonian Vagina of Death!

"Mmmm... Strawberry shortcake..."

Friday's Musical Exercise In Unabashed Male Privilege...