How Many Femnists Does It Take To Fuck Up A Femnist Wedding?

This is an absolute classic from everybody's favorite dim-bulb femnist, Amanda Marcotte:

Kate Harding and Jessica Valenti both have pieces up defending themselves for marrying, and about the difficulties of crafting a feminist wedding, which are apparently the same exact problems trying to craft an individualistic wedding, which is a mandate that comes down on people just as hard as the one to conform, which creates the industry of everyone copying everyone else’s cute unique touches.*

*For instance, the first time I heard about a “unique” father/daughter dance that involves hilariously breaking from a slow dance to a fast one, I laughed and thought that was actually pretty unique, but a quick perusal of YouTube shows that whoever thought of it first has seen the practice sweep the nation. It’s adorable, of course, but falls short of the individuality mark.

(64 words, not including the 65 word end note.)

It comes from this Amanduh Post over at Pandagon.

First of all, before punishing yourself with a whack of Amanduh Prose, go read the pieces by Amanda's fellow femnist dim-bulbs Kate Harding and Jessica Valenti. Just make sure you don't have any liquid in your mouth, because I can confidently guarantee you it will be on your monitor before you can finish either of these brainfarts.

What's doubly wonderful about Harding and Valenti is (a) just how quickly they ditch their femnist principles when those same principles get in the way of what they want, and (b) just how abjectly silly their rationalizations for said ditching of principles actually are to us sane folk.

Here's some of their nonsense that tickled me the most:

From Valenti...

As I grew up and began identifying myself as a feminist, there were plenty of issues that continued to make me question marriage: the father "giving" the bride away, women taking their husband's last name, the white dress, the vows promising to "obey" the groom. And that only covers the wedding. Once you get married, women are still implicitly expected to do the majority of the housework and take care of any future children...

But never underestimate the power of being in love. Andrew is fabulous and I want to be married to him - due in no small part to the fact that he also identifies himself as a feminist and that an equal partnership is just as important to him as it is to me. So when we decided to get married, we talked about the traditions to avoid (white dress), what to incorporate (both parents walking us both down the aisle) and, of course, how to plan the wedding...

As founder of the website feministing.com, I have written online about everything from vibrators to the form of birth control I use, but I had been worried about blogging about our engagement. When you address personal issues, especially those so fraught with politics, you are sure to cause a stir.

Emboldened, I blogged again - this time about the ways I was incorporating feminism into the wedding. I wrote about keeping my last name and buying a not-quite white dress from a store that gives all the money to charity. I blogged about the struggle Andrew and I had getting engaged in the same month that California overturned same-sex marriage rights. We had actually discussed not getting married until everyone could; instead, we decided to use our impending marriage as a way to talk about same-sex marriage among our friends and family.

And from Harding...

So, boy, do I ever empathize with Jessica Valenti's piece in the Guardian today about trying to plan a feminist wedding. I thought I already had planned one -- in less than a day, even -- but now here I am talking about color schemes, having an ivory silk dress made (I got married in black), and traveling 400 miles to taste mini quiches.

Whether it comes from the right or left, from men or other women, the bulk of the criticism essentially amounts to the same thing: "Ain't no such thing as a feminist wedding, lady. Nice try."

And, you know, there's more than a little truth in that. While Valenti and I and our respective menfolk have made a lot of similar gestures toward having less screamingly anti-feminist wedding celebrations, at the very least -- e.g., skipping any paternal delivery of bride to groom, keeping our names, encouraging guests who ask about gifts to donate to a charity working toward marriage equality -- I know I've already capitulated to tradition a whole lot more than I expected to. I was planning to wear a blue dress for the reception, but then, all of a sudden, nearly white sounded kinda good. I started out with a "Screw etiquette -- it's not like our friends and fam would buy any pretense to elegance from us anyway" attitude, only to lose it when I realized I'd had envelopes printed up with both abbreviations and spelled-out words in the return address. When my dad offered a contribution to the party fund, my husband immediately balked -- and I immediately went, "I'm sorry, are you really suggesting we turn down free money just so we don't have to feel beholden to my father and/or harken back to a tradition in which I'm basically a piece of property changing hands? Because I really don't think you're focusing enough on the free money part."

Why bother with the whole mess, then? Isn't the most feminist solution not to get married at all? Well, sure. "But never underestimate the power of being in love," Valenti writes. "Andrew is fabulous and I want to be married to him -- due in no small part to the fact that he also identifies himself as a feminist and that an equal partnership is just as important to him as it is to me." That's just it. Though plenty of people choose never to marry -- and more power to 'em -- a lot of us just plain want to be married to the people we love.

You can argue that that desire issues mostly from a patriarchal culture constantly shoving its heteronormative values down our throats and ... well, I'll back you up on that, actually. But for a lot of us, even feminists, it's still there and still powerful -- both the desire to get married and the desire to throw a big effin' party to celebrate.

Of course, Amanda has a few thoughts on all this in the post linked above, but since this is not This Week's Amanda Sentence, I'll just leave it to you to mine that vein. It is worth noting that Amanda manages to find a way to cut Harding and Valenti slack for their patriarchal indulgence and still remain true to her femnist principles. It's not quite as bad as her "It's none of my business" excusing of Bill Clinton's and John Edwards' betrayal of their wives, but it comes close.

So, evidently, what all this femnist wedding angst (as opposed to angst about femnist weddings) boils down to is this:

When folks like you and I get married, when I wear a black tux and you a white dress, when we go for champagne and dinner and a band and giving the bride away and name changing and whatever, we're just mindless, unimaginative drones who are slaves to the whole patriarchy mandated male dominance and social conformity thingy.

Whereas...

If you're a femnist, and you get your dumb ass married in a white dress to some male femnist weenie in a black tux, and you throw a free feed with champagne and a band for friends and family to celebrate said heteronormative black tux 'n' white dress wedding, you're still a sensitive, principled femnist who is dedicated to overthrowing The Patriarchy. Especially if you keep your own name and ask everybody else to donate money in support of gay marriage.

Why?

Who the Hell knows. That's just the Way It Is.

Postscript: Any bets on who won't be doing the wedding cake for any of these bimbos? Guess who won't be picking the gowns and tuxedos? (Or helping with the spelling, for that matter...) I think I know who won't be supplying with marital bed for either of the lucky couples.

Comments

[PeterUK]

What about "undead" feminists?

[Dennis the Peasant]

White folks misappropriating a black artist's art... Racism!!!

Bride and other womyn in back row... Sexism!!!

Really bad dancing... er, really bad dancing-ism!!!

Or something.

[Simon]

Good one Dennis.

A lot of women I know kept their names at marriage (I think its pretty normal among middle class women here)..... and then gave up their names when they had kids.

Imagine the rationalisations these chicks will make when they are really confronted with reality - children.

[Dennis the Peasant]

One of the most pathetic aspects of the three pieces by Harding, Valenti and Marcotte is how unaware they are of the fact that they're simply expending energy in reinventing the wheel. Rebelling against a "normal" wedding is so fucking '60s it ain't funny... But you sure as shit can't tell that to a femnist, can ya?

[PeterUK]

Dennis,you forgot the worst bit - Exhibitionism!

[ThomasD]

I blogged about the struggle Andrew and I had getting engaged in the same month that California overturned same-sex marriage rights. We had actually discussed not getting married until everyone could...

So, which one of them gives up the butt in solidarity with their gay compatriots?

Not that I really want an answer. Just sayin is all.

[Tim]

So Jessica will blog about her vibrator and what birth control she uses, but she draws the line at addressing "personal issues". OK, got it. And Kate, sweetie? When you throw away your principles for money, you've effectively become what we in the Patriarchy call 'a whore'.

[tsotha]

I have to wonder just what is wrong with the men who are marrying these gals. Usually your wife doesn't hate you until at least a year or two has gone by. Why would you want to marry a girl that already hates you and the other 3.5 billion men in the world?