This Week's Amanda Marcotte Sentence: She's The General Motors of Blogging...

We are saddened to announce that the Big Giant Head has become dissatisfied with the performance of Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

In other words, he's toast as da host...

Sentence #1:

As the prophet of a new but well-attended (in spirit, though not in body) church---the Church of the Mouse and the Discoball---I find the language of my fellows in other religions that have preposterous origin stories to be mystifying when it comes to an insistence that one must “teach the controversy” about that most uncontroversial of claims, that the world as we know it is very old and that life as we know it evolved painstakingly through time. 

80 words. The "Church of the Mouse and the Discoball". Amanda makes a funny.

Sentence #2:

But I believe something equally preposterous, that the world was coughed up in a hairball ejected from the Great Cat, as he was trying to distract the Goddess from making love to her new amour, the Roller Disco King. 

38 words. Amanda makes another funny. Will the mirth ever cease?

Sentence #3:

And the “blame women for everything” has the distinct stench of complete bullshit, emanating as it does from a culture that is suspicious of granting women the power that would allow them to fuck up anything, much less everything.

39 words. Well, let's see. Amanda was fired as John Edwards' campaign blogger after about ten minutes and two posts for anti-Catholic bigotry. Then she published a book that somehow ended up filled with insensitive and racist imagery. Whether we're suspicious to granting women the power to fuck things up doesn't seem to matter: Little Missy's grapped the brass ring and run with it.

Sentence #4:

Creationists, alas, are a more small-brained sort of religious believer, and they believe their own bullshit and are perfectly willing to make complete asses out of themselves denying that the sky is blue when their silly little religion tells them that it’s yellow. 

44 words. Amanda Marcotte writes a sentence like this one above and then can't figure out why the New York Times didn't offer her the slot that ended up going to Ross Douthat (no, I'm not making that up). Nevertheless, you do have to admire Mandy's tolerance and open-mindedness. I know I do.

Sentence #5:

If they had their way, they’d brainwash your kids and make them as stupid as they are, because secretly, they still have wild insecurities about being so stupid and need to swell the ranks. 

34 words. Fortunately for us, Amanda is very smart. In fact, if we didn't have Amanda, who would teach grammar and syntax to all the little children?

Sentence #6:

Matt recently had an interesting post reminding everyone that a lower population has the strong benefit of decreasing the number of people who need to share resources.

27 words. Let me get this straight: Progressives need to be reminded that a lower population means fewer people? Or is this just an Amanda thing?

Sentence #7:

Another thing that seems like it would be great for the economy is cutting that amount of income to so many households, who are already not spending because they don’t have enough money.

33 words. The last word in literary elegance. On a completely underlated note, it appears "households" are now to be regarded as sentient beings. Who knew?

Sentence #8:

Now, I fall on the lower population side, but that has more to do with my environmentalism and the desire for all the children being born to inherit a world that isn’t polluted and unliveable. 

35 words. Isn't that special?

Sentence #9:

But the “more babies” crowd is just setting us up for the most inhumane form of population control, which is the kind that works by killing people off through environmental/economic disaster due to overpopulation.

35 words. Am I the only one who ended up spitting a beverage on their computer screen - due to uncontrolled hilarity - while reading this?

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for Silver Tonguedness:

I figure it’s better not to make people suffer and die needlessly, and so I’m a fan of not making more people than we can provide for.  Which means, alas, that I’m a bleeding heart liberal who cares more about actual people, especially those already living on the margin, than about the Sperm Magic of wingnuts.  How can I think about people who need affordable food when wingnut sperm are dying by the truckload?  I do not know how I came to be this unsympathetic to sperm, but alas, that’s how it is.

Well, at least she passed on the semi-obligatory blowjob reference...

This Week's Special Grand Jury for Most Original Femnist Rationale For Blaming Men For Everything: 

The good news is that my feminism and my concerns about overpopulation work together nicely---we don’t need to violate people’s human rights, because of the aforementioned non-stupidity of your average woman.  We just need to fully empower women to decide how many children they’ll have, and, as history shows, they’ll usually choose to go with as many as they can afford or fewer.

Well, that is good news. We wouldn't want Amanda running around violating people's human rights, now would we? No siree! We wouldn't want her violating peoples' human rights, either...

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for That Which Is Beyond Belief:

In fact, I had mixed emotions about learning that the nudie pic over the phone thing is becoming a standard way for kids to show off to each other and arouse each other.  Like everyone else, I’m not happy that they aren’t thinking about the long-term ramifications, and my heart goes out to teenage girls who are betrayed by boys who give into the urge to score misogyny points with friends by showing off the pictures.  But I’m also reminded that teenage girls seem to have a lot more moxie than girls of my generation were permitted---half the reason I would have been scared to take such a picture would be that I’d be afraid no one would want to look at it. I hope this reflects a growing ownership over sexuality that then translates into more responsible behaviors like condom use.

And what could be more responsible - and reflective of growing ownership of one's sexuality - that sending photos of yourself in your underwear to your friends? Oh yeah, condom use!

Sentence #10:

What really concerns me about this entire situation is that the alarm bells over the “sexting” are distracting from the real problem, which is this prosecutor’s massive abuse of office deployed so that he could go on a full-blown misogynist sex panic in public.

45 words. Someone massively abused an office deployed? That's terrible. By the way, just what is an "office deloyed"?

This Week's Special... Oh, Fuck The Prize:

Remember, 95% of Americans have pre-marital sex. In 2003, 62% of 12th graders were sexually active. And while I have no doubt that some of the people included in these numbers have terrible, depressing sex lives that involve no playing around, showing off, giggling, or otherwise enjoying it, I have to believe that most people actually have sex because it’s fun.  And using technology to flirt with your partners is a routine part of sexual play.  While it’s stupid to include pictures, especially if you’re young and your dating pool is young men who are under a great deal of pressure to demonstrate their contempt for women to their peers, the urge to do this strikes me as so normal as to be banal. 

This from a bimbo who's all concerned about the heartbreak of overpopulation...

Sentence #11:

The worst thing about the utter despair I’m experiencing over the Obama administration’s almost sure-to-screw-the-pooch decision to just keep pouring money into the banks---with pretty much no accountability attached, or plans to nationalize or break them up---is the feeling that if Obama hadn’t been sucked into this disaster plan, he could have a real shot at being a great President.

66 words. Utter despair? Over a bank rescue plan? You've got to be kidding me... Wait a second: There seems to be a pattern emerging... Violent mood swings. Hot flashes. The urge to nest. Just how old is Mandy... Really?

Sentence #12:

Of course, one reason Republicans are worse is they will not only do no damage control, they’d use this economic crisis as an excuse to fuck working people all the more, expand the gap between rich and poor even more, and generally mouth platitudes about saving money while growing the deficit to give money away to rich people without sparing a dime for the rest of us.

67 words. OK, fine. Then shut the fuck up and go with the Obama Adminstration's "almost sure-to-screw-the-pooch decision to keep pouring money into the banks" you were just having utterly despairing cramps about.

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for the Best Paul Krugman Imitation By An Empty-Headed Bimbo:

Not only is the throw-the-money-at-the-bankers solution dangerous, but it’s drawing out the situation, which means that we’re delaying the damage control section of recession coping.  Sure, there was the economic stimulus package, but with the country hemorrhaging jobs by the minute, we’re going to need a lot more support.  And that’s got to happen soon.  Helping people on the ropes is legitimate economic intervention, even though conservatives would deny it to their deathbeds, because, of course, people on the ropes who are helped spend more money, helping kick start the economy.  I feel that’s been forgotten in the past month in all the back-and-forth over the bank bailout situation.

I love it when she gets technical...

That's it for this week. As this segment is in the midst of restructuring, we aren't quite sure if the Big Giant Head will allow us to give away a genuine Pandagon CEO Crusher of Death...

 

 ... to the poor unfortunate who wins this week's contest.

What we can say is this: If we do award one, we'll back it with a really super duper extended warranty!

Comments

[jcw]

My vote, the silver tongued award sentences.

My guess is Amanduh has never done a day of charity work in her entire miserable life. Why do I think this, if she had she would be the first to brag about it.

[Dennis The Peasant]

Excellent point.

[jcw]

Dennis, you may have published this too early and missed this gem which she wrote today,

"So far, there’s no proof whatsoever that anyone has quit making money because they hate paying taxes that much."

She must have been too young or not paying attention during that whole Soviet Union thingy, you know, because their workers were so productive. I just love it when Amanduh talks economics.

[mmack]

The good news is that my feminism and my concerns about overpopulation work together nicely

In plain English, because I'm a hardcore feminist man-hater, no man will ever have sex with me and I'll never have a baby. Mama Marcotte must be soooo proud of her daughter.

I did like this fragment:

But I’m also reminded that teenage girls seem to have a lot more moxie than girls of my generation were permitted---half the reason I would have been scared to take such a picture would be that I’d be afraid no one would want to look at it.

To be fair to Mandy-Pandy, every once in a while she stumbles on the truth. Then she picks herself up, dusts herself off, and keeps walking.

My vote is this:

The worst thing about the utter despair I’m experiencing over the Obama administration’s almost sure-to-screw-the-pooch decision to just keep pouring money into the banks---with pretty much no accountability attached, or plans to nationalize or break them up---is the feeling that if Obama hadn’t been sucked into this disaster plan, he could have a real shot at being a great President.

How could that happen? I thought the Obamessiah was bigger n' Jeebus? By that criterion, how can he not be a great President? She must hand in her Liberal(tm) card right away for even doubting in Teh One.

I picture the thought process in Mandy-Pandy's head being akin to a room full of thousands of Super-Balls, each thought careening off of the walls and each other in hundreds of thousands of elastic collisions.

[Bogus Doug]

I really, really like sentence #6 because it suggests how Amanda's thought process works: "Hey yeah! That's right! If we have a lower population that means... (*think* *think*)... less people!!! I MUST share this realization and its profound implications on my blog!"

[Dennis The Peasant]

mmack-

Remember that Mandy was originally for John Edwards - you know, rich white guy with blow-dried hair - and as such came to Dear Leader rather late and rather reluctantly. For all her faux gushing over just how neato keen the President is, the reality is that her enthusiasm for him seems to be under control.

[richard mcenroe]

Thug Explains New Banking Rules

[mmack]

Dennis,

I remember the whole John Edwards scene, since you and Iowahawk really had Amanduh's number on that one.

I am just stunned, STUNNED I tell you that a good, Politically Correct Single White Liberal College Ed-u-ma-cated Gal like Mandy-Pandy did not immediately genuflect at the altar of our diversity-rich leader.

Is it because Obama is a man, or is Amanduh, dare I say it . . . . a racist?

Don't be a hater, 'manduh! Fight your evil White Matriarchical ways!

[Simon]

I vote for the Mouse and Disco Ball stuff. Mandy and her commenters love to throw in a few references to frivolous stuff so that they don't come off as the weird, poltically obsessed, perpetually disgruntled shut ins that they are.

Hence Mandy's constant references to dance music, their use of 'bunnies' to censor comments and her commenters wacky food based nicknames - like Dan Grand High Emperor of Bananas and MA Jeff God of Biscuits.

Turds.

[richard mcenroe]

If Lennie's seriously out, I believe the mummified cadaver of Alistair Cooke is still available for gigs.

Or that may just have been Bill Moyers I saw on PBS...

[Dennis The Peasant]

Richard-

Cooke's cadaver would probably scare fewer folk than a live Moyers. I know it would me.

[Guesst]

While it’s stupid to include pictures, especially if you’re young and your dating pool is young

Which ex-boyfriend told her that?

[TmjUtah]

Dennis, your capacity for self abuse is terrifying. I hoist my coffee mug to you who does the shit wading I won't do.

I am not following politics much these days. Just scanning the Leftosphere seems to indicate that they didn't get their binky with the One.

Not that they could ever be happy, of course. He's nationalized the banking system and our last big manufacturing entities, bowed down to a Saudi king, laid the ground work for failure in Iraq and Afghanistan, given up our sovereignty to the G20, been corn holed by NATO, and now is waiting to sign the budget that will break us.

Have a fine one, sir. I'm off to burn some powder.