Yet Another Great Moment In Principled Femnism From Our "Great Moments In Principled Femnism" Series...

From (Jessica "Not-Quite White Wedding Dress" Valenti's) Feministing, no less...

Ask Professor Foxy: How Do I Deal With My Partner's Low Sex Drive?

This one's a hummer, kids, so hold on tight.

Feministing's very own advice columnist, Professor Foxy, furrows her brow over the issue of differing sex drives amongst partners. Take these two tales of woe, for example...

"Out of Batteries Again" (ugh!) writes:

My partner of four years doesn't have as high of a sex drive as me. I would enjoy having sex every day, but he has never cared to do it more than once every few weeks, even in the best of times.

And "Lesbian Death Bed" writes:

I need advice! I am in a committed lesbian relationship with my girlfriend. We went from having sex for a couple of hours a day in the beginning of our relationship to now a few months later I am lucky if her and I have sex once a week.

Now, me being me, I thought what I'd hear out of an committed femnist advice columnist would be something along the lines of this:

Hey, deal with it. Femnism is founded on the notion that all persons (and especially womyn) have an inalienable right to control their own bodies. If your partner doesn't want to have sex, that is their right... And you have absolutely no right to question that decision.

At least that's the line that's always been directed at me - your basic drenched-in-male-privilege, patriarchy-embracing, insensitive, brutish male - by every femnist I've ever met (or read). But evidently, I've been mistaken all these years!

Per Professor Foxy:

While we should not force our partners to have sex (ever), we should expect them to compromise.

What the fuck? Compromise? Compromise? Either you want to have sex with your partner or you do not. Period. There is nothing to compromise about!!!

The good professor seems to be dimly aware of the problem here, as she throws in this line to cover her tracks, although I'm not sure she wrote what she meant:

Incompatible sex drives are especially difficult for feminists: where is the line between pressuring partners and compromising ourselves?

Again; there is no "line" to cross on this issue: Either you're pressuring your partner for sex or you are not. You can call it anything you want - like "trying to work out a compromise" or something similar - but the bottom line is you're working to get someone who doesn't want to have sex with you to surrender their bodies to you so you can have sex with them.

So, evidently, what all this femnist sex drive angst (which sounds suspiciously like angst about femnist sex drives) boils down to is this:

When folks like you and I get a bit horny and try to get some, we're brutish rapists... Mindless fucking machines that care not for the feelings of our marital partners, because, after all, The Whole Patriarchy Thingy demands that the womyn we married service us on demand.

Whereas...

If you're a femnist, and you can't get your dumb ass the sex you want, you get your significant other to "compromise" - meaning you get the sex your partner really didn't want to have in the first place -  and you're still a sensitive, principled femnist who is dedicated to overthrowing The Patriarchy. 

Why?

Who the Hell knows. That's just the Way It Is.

Comments

[PeterUK]

"but the bottom line is you're working to get someone who doesn't want to have sex with you to surrender their bodies to you so you can have sex with them."

She doesn't actually have t be involved,she can carry on with the ironing.

[Dennis the Peasant]

Oh Peter, you pig you...

[Allen]

I think your last few posts have allowed me to distill feminism to it's basics. That is, "give me what I want, or I'm going postal!"

[Dennis the Peasant]

Allen-

That's about what I get out of it.

[Satanam in computatrum]

Had a LOL moment, here:

While we should not force our partners to have sex (ever), we should expect them to compromise.

What the fuck?

As in, literally...What the "fuck"? - LOL!!!

Great series, DTP. Glad to see Your Razor-ness survived yet another tax season.

[Simon]

I liked this from the comments -

Commenter A (a man) - "I choose photos and sometimes video, featuring Japanese young women, mostly alone and clothed."

Commenter B (in response to A) "Hope that works for you!And you have good taste in porn, I must say (some of the best pornography in the world comes out of Japan - much better than most of the American stuff)."

Japan - the alternative rock of porn.

[Masturbatin' Pete]

Oh, this is grand.

These gals have the shortest memories of all time. Does anyone remember the Biting Beaver Rape Checklist?

13. You are a rapist if you 'nag' her for sex. Because you manage to ply an eventual 'yes' from a weary victim doesn't mean it's not rape. You are a rapist.

14. You are a rapist if you try to circumvent her "No" by talking her into it. She's not playing hard to get, and, even if she IS it's not YOUR responsibility to 'get' her. You're still a rapist.

15. You are a rapist if you manipulate her into sex when she doesn't otherwise want it. If you say, "If you loved me you’d do X" then you're a rapist. If you say, "All the other kids are doing it!" then you're a rapist.

So, um, Ms. Valeni? Aren't you a rapist?

Oh, and anyone who thinks that Japanese pr0n is somehow superior to American pr0n hasn't seen this Onion article.

[PeterUK]

Are you a rapist if you buy her a Ferarri or a diamond ring? Or is that simply a pan-gendered transaction?

[Paul L.]

More double standards from Amanda on Twitter.
http://twitter.com/AmandaMarcotte/status/1640093553
"@JessicaValenti Is the caller a virgin? Ingraham? I feel that everyone should recount their sexual history before making judgments."

[Tim]

Your partner has a low sex drive? What the hell do you expect when you get engaged to a 'man' who is also a 'committed feminist'?

[markg8]

My partner of four years doesn't have as high of a sex drive as me. I would enjoy having sex every day, but he has never cared to do it more than once every few weeks, even in the best of times.

This reminds of a conversation a few years ago I had with a buddy when I was shocked to read a study (probably produced by a pharma co. selling sex drugs) that postulated that half the men over the age of 50 use some form of sex drug. He just laughed and said, "Have you seen most women over the age of 50?"

As for the rest of it most relationships are uneven, one partner is stuck doing most of the housework, taking care of the kids, working longer hours etc. If that builds to any kind of conscious or unconscious resentment, it's gonna make that partner less horny toward the other partner. Especially if partner no. 1 is left picking up after partner no. 2, or either partner becomes a unattractive pig.

My advice to all sexes is get him or her drunk, buy her some flowers or if it's woman trying to entice a guy wear something sexy and for gods sake at least try to do something with your hair. For man to man I have no clue. Maybe Petey could tell us after he's done boning his "girlfriend" in the ass while "she's" doing the ironing. I myself get horny watching a woman doing the dishes after I've made dinner.

[PeterUK]

So you do your own washing up as well Marky? Sad when you have to do everything solo.

[Simon]

"As for the rest of it most relationships are uneven, one partner is stuck doing most of the housework, taking care of the kids, working longer hours etc. If that builds to any kind of conscious or unconscious resentment, it's gonna make that partner less horny toward the other partner. Especially if partner no. 1 is left picking up after partner no. 2, or either partner becomes a unattractive pig."

Marky I think the truth is far more prosaic. A friend of mine calls it the Duck Flambe theory -
Duck Flambe is a pretty special dish and the first time you have it you are over the moon. On the other hand it gets pretty boring if you have it every night.

[angulimala]

I'm surprised they didn't mention the fact that a radical drop in sex drive not infrequently indicates an affair.