I Am The Victim Here...

OK, the first thing that I need to say here is this:

It wasn't my fault...

The second thing I need to say is I'm probably going to need a legal defense fund. At least that's what Swifty, my lawyer, seems to think. He says he's ready to take this to the Supreme Court, if necessary. Then again, Swifty probably assumes I have more money than I actually do.

So start saving your change.

Remember: I am the victim here. The victim  of a feminormative society that routinely denies men equal access based solely on their gender. This especially goes for middle-aged men, so this particular incident involves both gender discrimination and age discrimination. And quite frankly, given some of the comments I got from the womyn manning the front desks at those tanning salons, I suspect there's also some weight and/or ugly discrimination going on as well.

That's what's got Swifty all excited: We've got at least a twofer goin' here.

It all started about six or seven years ago... about the time I turned 45. All of sudden hair pretty much stopped growing on the top of my head and started growing just about every place else. Like my on my ears. And in my ears. All of the sudden my eyebrows had a life of their own. I'd go into get my hair cut and the pretty young thing doing the deed would ask me if I'd like 'em trimmed...

But the worst was my back.

All of the sudden there were tuffs of hair in places I couldn't see and couldn't touch. I knew there was hair back there because every now and then Muffy would give it a playful tug after I got out of the shower. It was irritating, but I could live with it. Or, I should say, I could live with it until Muffy asked me if I wanted one of these for Christmas...

And she was serious.

Knowing what I know now, I should have just said, "Yes" and let it at that. But that's the point, I wasn't aware we live in a sexist, agist, weightist, uglyist society. That's why I am the victim here.

I didn't know what you'd have done, but I did what I think just about every red-blooded heterosexually-oriented middle-aged Mid-Western male would have done:

I decided to get a bikini wax... And get rid of it all.

(Hey, with global warming and whatnot, I might just want to mow the lawn in my Speedo this January.)

In retrospect, I can confidently say it was at about this time that things started to go wrong for me. I piled into the car and started hitting tanning salons. I just assumed that there'd be at least one of  'em in this shitty burgh that was staffed by some young guy named Lance or Jason or something. You know the kind of guy I'm talking about: Perfect blow-dried hair, perfect Pepsodent smile, perfect form-fitting white exercise shirt, ever-so-slight lisp...  

Yep. That kind of guy.

The kind of guy womyn wouldn't find threatening and would consider male bikini waxing with an open mind. But nope, that wan't the case. Not in these parts. Around here tanning salons are operated exclusively by bimbos. Relatively young bimbos. Young enough to be my daughter bimbos. The sort that can't stomach the idea of their own dads getting a bikini wax, so they cannot stomach the idea of me getting a bikini wax, either.

I guess.

Anyway, here's a sampling of the responses I received when I politely requested a bikini wax:

"No."

"You're kidding, right?"

"Hell, no."

"Ick."

"Is this a joke?"

"Yuck."

"Never."

"We don't have that much wax."

"Please, I just ate lunch."

"Leave. Now."

And...

"You're scaring my clients."

I don't quite remember - word for word -what transpired at the last tanning salon I visited, but I do remember losing my patience with the bimbo at the front desk. It must have really turned into a fairly self-involved full-fledged rant, because I missed the moment she called the police. By the time they got there, I was testifying to the injustice of it all from the top of the salon's front desk. I don't remember when I climbed up there, but at least one of the cops mentioned that the bimbo was spraying me with tanning foam in an attempt to get me down at the time they arrived. I didn't notice that, either.

Bottom line? One arrest, four misdemeanors and a new mug shot for my collection.

And no bikini wax.

I'll keep you posted on the need for a defense fund.
 

Comments

[richard mcenroe]

Did you consider contacting some carpet-cleaning services? Or picking up a bigass bottle of Nair and going for it?

[Dennis The Peasant]

Oh, now everybody's got ideas...

[Jim Ryan]

How often will the orderlies let you post, Dennis? I hope we can still see a post from you every now and again.

[Eric Blair]

Dennis, you're not speaking truth to power here.

Just embrace the hair. If Muffy is that bothered by it, let her shave you.

Cave man is where it's at.

[Dennis The Peasant]

Of course I'm not talking truth to power... We're talking about the wife here.

[Uncle Fester]

Exactly Eric's point. Get a couple of rolls of duct tape and remind Muffy of a few of your pecadilloes over the years...

[Simon]

I hate to imagine what next year's DTP Christmas Calendar is going to look like.

[Mike C.]

Wax ? How quaint...

Laser, Dennis, laser... They'll kill every hair follicle on your entire body, and you might get a discount if you let them carve up your eyeballs at the same time.

[Tim]

There's a reason your hair leaves the top of your head and sprouts from your ears, nose, back. It's the cumulative effects of gravity finally catching up.

[Bweep]

Tim.
Mine's been gradually growing upwards from my ass too!

[Tim]

"Mine's been gradually growing upwards from my ass too!"

Oh, that. That's caused by constant pressure from continually sitting on your ass eating Twinkies and watching PJTV. I should patent that as the world's first effective anti-gravity device.

[Bweep]

No, it's my own fault. I tried to buck the system and used some blocks to raise the bottom of my mattress.

[J West]

1. You're facing what the rest of us fifty-somethings face, every time we go to the gym.
2. Sweet young thing: EEEyouuu (as in: "You're old")
3. Young stud (Me 35 years ago): "Get out of the way, pops."
4. #2 is a declaration, accusation and complaint, wrapped up in a single mewl.
5. BTW, look great in the photos on top.
6. See if you can accumulate a few more. Be good for your T count.
V/R JWest

[Dennis The Peasant]

Actually, I posted that photo in several places in the backyard to keep out the critters. Haven't seen a skunk since.

[richard mcenroe]

Then where are you getting the inspiration for all these CJ pieces?

[Dennis The Peasant]

My Christian nature?

[JeffS]

How about getting some chemo-therapy, Dennis? You could lose ALL of your hair that way. Easy peasy!