Fuck It. I Might As Well Leave The Right As Well...

You know what? I don't get jack squat for being a conservative. Not one fucking thing.

Other than shit, that is.

Nobody in the VRWC links to me. When I do get links, it's from Lefties. Most of whom say something to the effect of "Here's a post by Dennis ragging on [fill in the blank yourself]. He isn't as big an asshole as most wingnuts." Do I get that sort of love and respect from my side of the political blogosphere?

Hell, no.

Nobody buys me stuff on my Amazon Wish List. Nobody asks me why I don't have a PayPal account to donate to. And nobody sends me emails asking me to gather up my badly composed, out-of-focus photos and turn them into a calendar they can buy.

It just sucks, and I'm tired of it.

So I'm done with the Right. Clearly they've moved away from the sort of core values I hold dear. Core values like massaging the ego and fattening the bank account. Let's face it, if you can't look down on those who are different from your own true self and then make a buck off it, what's the point of voting Republican?

With that in mind, here are the reasons I'm leaving the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy:

1. I can't support a movement that is full of haters. Let's face it, I'm one delicate flower of a human being. Forgive and forget... That's the motto I live by. And if there's one I hate, it's all those fucking asshole wingnuts out there hating. Assholes.
2. I can't support a movement that is full of religious fanatics. You know what? Christianity is a pain in the patoot. It gets in the way of things. Things like if I decided tomorrow I wanted to leave my wife and shack up with a 16 year-old tart who's double-jointed. Or shack up with some hairy guy name Burt, for that matter. I mean, who has the time to memorize the Ten Commandments when there's nude gay mud wrestling on channel 343?
3. I can't support a movement that is racist. Hey, I know many negroes personally. I understand where they're coming from. I even have an LL Cool J CD to prove it. That alone seperates me from most conservatives. 
4. I can't support a movement that won't raise taxes or cut spending. Like most middle-class white people, I have more money than I know what to do with. And I feel guilty about that when there are so many poor people out there... Many of whom are negroes!
5. I can't support a movement that won't support a robust public option to improve health care for old people and poor people and unemployed people and people who just say "What the fuck, I want a public option". I mean, all you have to do is listen to Nancy Pelosi for five minutes and then ask yourself "What could go wrong?" Right? I rest my case.
6. I can't support a movement that wants more troops and more years to wage an unwinnable war in Afghanistan. Er, let's just skip this one for the time being...
7. I can't support a movement that advocates discrimination against persons of the LGBT community by opposing the repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act. Everybody knows gay people are noisy and annoying. It's much easier to give DOMA repeal some lip service and then move on to other things. Let's face it, LGBTers will put up with anything.
8. I can't support a movement that refuses to repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell". Ditto.
9. I can't support a movement that embraces torture. Spankings? Absolutely. But that's where I draw the line.
10. I can't support a movement that thinks Sarah Palin should be anything other than barefoot and pregnant (I when I say pregnant, I mean really pregnant. Not fake pregnant.) in Alaska. Oh sure, Sarah throws off that "naughty librarian" vibe that turns a lot of us middle-aged guys on, but the truth of the matter is this: Katie Couric drunk on pink gin is my kind of MILF...
11. I can't support a movement that thinks my smoking an ounce of Arkansas Polio Weed on a daily basis should be a criminal offense. I smoked Arkansas Polio Weed continuously from 1976 to 1982 and it hasn't impaired my ability to be a useful member of society. Of course, I have no idea what I actually did during those six years, but since I didn't wake up in 1983 with a criminal record, it couldn' t have been too bad.
12. I cannot support a movement that doesn't accept evolution as a fact. Science rules, as far as I am concerned.
13. I cannot support a movement that doesn't accept global warming as a fact. What do you mean the science doesn't support global warming? Fuck the science. Are you some sort of asshole denier, or what?
14. I can't support a movement that watches, listens to and/or reads annoying asshole haters on Fox News who do nothing but hate and be assholes. People, quite frankly, who are a lot like me.

Well, that's about it.

I figure my moving from the Right to the Left has raised the I.Q. of both movements, and therefore I should be eligible for large, expensive gifts from liberals and conservatives, as well as Democrats and Republicans for making the switch. Just head to my Amazon Wish List and put together your own Stimulus Package.

You really don't want me putting together a calendar, now do you?

Comments

[ema]

I mean, who has the time to memorize the Ten Commandments when there's nude gay mud wrestling on channel 343?

Aha, so that's why you were asking advice about getting a new TV recently. And to think you blamed your poor wife...tsk, tsk.

[richard mcenroe]

Someone else who couldn't pick left or right...I'm just sayin'...

[VRWC]

We at the VRWC feel bad. Next renaissance festival - we'll buy you a turkey leg and a tiara.
Accept our heartfelt apology. Please stay.

With love and kisses

- VRWC and Zombie Reagan

PS - Is there a "buy me a turkey leg" button the DtP page?

[just passin by]

You should be a Libertarian, then you could have have your weed...AND no taxes on it!

[green mamba]

Dennis, your writing is just brilliant - somehow witheringly caustic and good-naturedly ebullient at the same time. Your scope is somewhat limited, but maybe that's a good thing.

I stopped reading lgf a few years ago. I come here to remind myself why and have a good laugh about it.

By the way, what ever happened to zulubaby and mommydoc? They were the two ladies of the house back when I was a regular.

[jcw]

You mean your calendar wasn't for real. I wondered why I couldn't find it at the mall kiosk last week:) Had to settle for the sports illustrated swimsuit one. I think the December girl is flipping the bird.

[J West]

1. Concur with GM.
2. To be white and of the middle class is sufficient reward in itself.
3. Obviously Congress and the Chief Executive think so.
4. My high school freshman daughter's counselor said that exactly. Informed her that would spending her time assisting the less favored minority students and that the daughter would have to look out for herself.
5. They are just a shade more subtle on high.
6. As VN vet and ex-military professional, agree on holding on #6.
7. OTH, why hold back on bloody foolishness that is certain to turn to ashes in our mouth?
V/R JWest

[DonnieDarko]

Does this mean you will soon be swapping spit with Charles Johnson and Andrew Sullivan?

[Dennis The Peasant]

Donnie-

That's such a pretty little romance. I'd hate to break it up.

[Eric Blair]

Ewwwwww.

[Allen]

Your wish list doesn't seem to be working. You really do need that "Nude Morning Workout" video, and I'd be more than happy to buy it for you.

Of course Muffy might have some input. I wonder if that workout features a trampoline?

[Dennis The Peasant]

Allen-

Keep trying.

As far as I am concerned, all nude exercise videos should feature a trampoline.

[richard mcenroe]

And/or a small derrick.

[badanov]

Dennis, conservatives are a funny lot. Some of them like debate but very few of them will listen to ramblings they perceive as hostility posted on the Internet and take them as Gospel or even friendly.

You've never been friendly to conservatives, not since I have known you, and you have generally fared better in site traffic when you went after conservatives. But only because you ran conservatives off.

I am so confused. I thought you left the VRWC in 2006 when you started after any number of conservatives as well as leftists. I didn't know you came back.

Admit it, you politically juked more in the last few months than Dexter McCluster against Mississippi State's defensive line. But at least McCluster gained yardage when he juked.

Even you have to admit that listing a set of issues which are at best the extreme positions of some conservatives is more than a little dishonest. But, I guess it brings in a fawning leftist crowd, so I won't be critical.

So, hello, you must be going.

[Dennis The Peasant]

badanov-

First of all, the above is satire. My fat ass is ain't goin' anywhere.

Second of all, I am an equal opportunity abuser... And there are plenty of targets for the picking on both sides.

As for being unfriendly to conservatives, I am only unfriendly to those "conservatives" who spend most of their time excusing other "conservatives" for ignoring conservative principles.

Bush could spend money like a drunken sailor, increase police powers to a frightening degree, fuck up the best chance Republican will ever have to get immigration reform on their terms, and fight two wars in about as half-assed a fashion imaginable, and there were Malkin and Reynolds and the rest of 'em always ready with some lame justification for letting him off the hook.

That's bullshit, and I'm calling it.

Am I just supposed to shut up and take one for the team? Am I supposed to pretend that a moron RINO like John McCain is truly an acceptable choice for the serious fiscal conservative? Am I supposed to pretend that all the culture wars bullshit (abortion, gay marriage, etc.) is important enough to abandon my stance on limited government, taxation and deficit spending?

Sorry, but homey don't play that.

One more thing, if you think lefties fawn over me, you are sadly mistaken.

[Lefty]

Seriously badanov lefties don't fawn over him. He's an even bigger asshole than most wingnuts which he wears as a badge of honor.

[Dennis The Peasant]

See, what did I tell you?

[Uncle Fester]

"Let's face it, I'm one delicate flower of a human being." - DtP

BWAHHAAAHAAHAAHAAHAAHHAAA!!!

::snuffle::

::snort::

Well, I guess there was that one incident with the gay lesbian and the briefcase at the basketball game.

[Uncle Fester]

BTW, whatever, happened with Muffy, the duct tape and your back hair?

[richard mcenroe]

FEMA tried to pass that shriek off as NASA conducting hypersonic flight tests, but pilot whales are still beaching themselves...

[Uncle Fester]

Ah. That would explain why all the neighborhood dogs have been so jumpy.

[Peter VE]

Dennis, you're just a little to honest for the VRWC, or for most 'Mericans. Some of us (obviously the most astute!) prefer you that way.

[badanov]

In my defense I failed to fully read over your post.

My apologies.

[Guesst]

Am I just supposed to shut up and take one for the team?

You stick with your team and help it win and, if you have problems with the ideas your team is promoting, you take it up with them outside the political realm.

The Democrats are on the left, and we’re on the right. At any given movement, the GOP might be more or less in line with conservative principles, but it is, and will continue in the near future to be, the conservative party in our two-party system....

....withholding votes from ideological heretics just ain’t the electorate’s way. Don’t ever say "We need to show the party that they can’t win when they betray conservative principles," because, really, they can.

Another perspective, homey.

[Patrick]

Heh.... Now this is funny. ;)