The Lingere Media Advertiser's Kit

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LINGERE Media’s Management Meets...

Being that I was under my desk with my sidekick Waldo P. Suggins, CPA, C. Babbington Cudworth, editor of the Westerville Daily Movement, Judas Perrier, famed Hollywood detective, and Cletus Barnwell, who runs the Westerville Cesspool, I could not see if the coast was clear. Nor, for fear of making noise, was I going to move out from under the desk in an attempt to find out. I strained to hear anything of Effie, who was in at the front door of our suite of second-floor offices. For what seems like hours, there was nothing, then...

The door slammed shut and there came the sound of heavy footsteps slowly moving closer towards my office. Waldo, Blabby, Judas and Cletus attempted to make themselves even smaller. Judas covered his eyes. Once I heard the door open to my office, I resolved that I wasn’t going to go out hiding under a desk like any old garden variety coward. As those slow, heavy footsteps grew closer I steeled myself to make the desperate lunge that might, just might, save my life.

“Ahh!” Effie shouted as she appeared from around the side of the desk. She pointed a finger at the four of us and said, with her best mock-Swedish accent, “I see you! You like something? Coffee?”

But by the time I had realized it was Effie, it was too late. I was already sprawled out across the hardwood floor of my office, done in by the slickness of soles on a new pair of wingtip shoes. Waldo let out a short, high-pitched scream and then passed out cold. Judas Perrier, as befitting a Hollywood detective, had grabbed Blabby Cudworth and pulled him in front of his body, so as to be in a better position to have Blabby stop any incoming bullets. Blabby, of course, had his eyes closed and was holding up his press credentials.

“Jesus,” I said, “You scared me half to death, Effie!”

“What happened?” moaned Waldo as he came to.

“I feel something wet,” said Judas. “Cudworth, did you... oh, shit!”

“Sorry,” said Blabby meekly.

Effie laughed as she straightened up, “The fearless bloggers! Ha!”

“OK, ok,” I said as I picked myself up off the floor, “That’s enough of that. Are you sure they’re gone.”

“Of course they’re gone,” Effie said, “They’re off to Cesspool in hopes of finding their five little lambs there.”

“This is nothing to joke about, Effie,” said Blabby sourly as he appeared from my desk. “Those men are dangerous hoodlums.”

“Yes,” said Waldo, “Just how is it that we have Westerville’s most notorious loansharks banging on our door wanting to collect $3,500?”

We all turned to look at Judas Perrier, who was trying to absorb himself in dusting off his bowling shirt.

“Well?” I asked.

Perrier finally looked up and flashed his most insincere smile.

“Hey, when I met them, they represented themselves as venture capitalists,” he said, defensively. “It seems nature to fund LINGERE Media with venture capital money. They said they were interested in making money over the long-term...”

“And nothing tipped you off that perhaps these gentlemen weren’t venture capitalists?” I asked.

“Like what, for instance?” Judas asked back.

“Oh, like... their names...” I answered. “Luigi and Guido Terrafirma. Those sort of names didn’t set off any alarm bells?”

Judas Perrier stopped looking at me and started looking at his feet.

“Well...” he said, quietly. “You shouldn’t discriminate against a person because of their national origin or whatever. Just because they’re Italian I couldn’t just assume they were Mafiosi.”

“First of all, Judas, this is Central Ohio. We don’t have any Italians here. Those are the Stewart twins; Timmy and Tommy.”

Perrier looked confused.

“So why would they go around calling yourselves Luigi and Guido Terrrafirma?”

“Credibility, Judas. They’re loansharks,” said Blabby. “That’s why they walk around Westerville in blue pinstripe suits with wide lapels. It’s why they wear black shirts and ties... Have you ever met venture capitalists who chew on toothpicks all the time, Judas?”

“Well...” Perrier said, again.

Effie stood by the door to my office with her hands on her hips.

“You guys are pathetic,” she said. “I’m going back to work.”

She then walked out of my office, closing the door behind her.

“Jesus,” I said, and slumped into my desk chair.

“Um, I going to head home,” said Blabby, “I need to change.”

“No,” I said firmly and sat up straight in my chair. “We’re going to hold the first board meeting of the directors and owners of LINGERE Media.”

“But...” said Blabby weakly.

“Everyone sit,” I commanded and pointed at Blabby. “You sit in the wooden chair!”

Blabby did as he was instructed. Cletus and Judas followed by grabbing chairs and sitting down. Waldo decided to stay under my desk.

“Now what?” asked Cletus.

“We need to review that past month or so to see where we are,” I said.

“How about this for a start: We borrowed $3,500 from loansharks,” Cletus said crossly.

“And the launch party didn’t go quite as well as we had hoped,” said Judas.

“Judas, we ended up with a full-scale riot that nearly destroyed half the Denny’s,” I said.

Blabby buried his head in his hands, “I’m afraid that’s my fault. I assumed that everyone would understand that an ‘open bar’ in a Denny’s meant an open breakfast bar.”

I was starting to get another headache.

“I have some good news,” said Cletus. “We can get Victoria’s Secret off our backs with a letter of apology posted on our web site for three months...”

“Just whose idea was it to rename LINGERE Media Victoria’s Secret Lingerie Media?” I asked.

“That would be me,” came Waldo’s voice from under the desk.

“Good one,” I said as I gave him a gentle kick.

“Ow...” he cried. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

“What sort of traffic are we getting at the site?” asked Judas.

“Low hundreds,” said Waldo.

“What does that mean?” asked Cletus.

“Yesterday we had 102 page views,” replied Waldo.

Judas put his head in his hands.

“Page views?” he asked.

“Page views,” repeated Waldo.

“What about the advertising contracts?” I asked.

“Well, we’ve had a couple of setbacks there,” said Cletus.

“’Setbacks’?” I asked.

“Yes. Setbacks,” replied Cletus. “We lost the Westerville Visitors Bureau.”

“Why is that?” I said.

“They saw the ad.”

“Oh. OK, so we’ve lost one client... We have others,” I said, trying to sound unconcerned.

“Actually, that’s not the end of the setbacks.”

“It isn’t?”

“No. We also lost the House of Muu Muus,” Cletus answered. “And Kevy Bellouche said he’s going to scratch out all of our eyes.”

Chez Methané ?”

“Gaston threw a plate of baked beans at me when I tried to collect for the ad.”

“What about new clients?” I asked hopefully.

“Well,” said Judas, “Vic’s House of Porn is a no-go?”

“Why?”

“He thought associating with us would ruin his brand,” said Judas.

We sat in silence for what seemed to be a very long time.

“Is there any good news?” asked Waldo.

Our brows furrowed.

“The day’s almost over?” offered Cletus.

At was on that note that we suddenly heard a commotion from downstairs. Effie opened the door to my office and pointed down the stairs towards the lobby.

“The Terrafirmas have returned and I’m betting they are here seeking payment,” she said quickly. “This might be an excellent time to adjourn your board meeting and quietly exit the building via the back fire escape.”

“Meeting adjourned,” I said, as I bolted for the door.

LINGERE MEDIA TEST AD: Dapper Dan’s Manly Man All-Male Toe Dance-A-Torium

LINGERE MEDIA ADS

Well, since we can’t wait around forever for Pajamas Media to actually start testing the ads they were supposed to test in September, October and November, LINGERE has decided to dispense with the normal progression of satire and parody and just go ahead and assume that who- or whatever Pajamas’ Dynamic Duo manage to land as advertising clients, and whatever it is that they do for (or to) those poor saps, it will be lame as Hell. And hey, these aren’t any more fake than Pajamas Media’s New York office... So without further ado, here is the first test ad in a series for LINGERE’s Advertising Partners (aka People Who Owe Dennis Money).

Dapper Dan’s Manly Man All-Male Toe Dance-A-Torium

As anyone who’s spent any time in Westerville well knows, this area has virtually no competent male dancers around other than the guys in the Westerville Gay Men’s Chorus, and even they are limited to mostly old Rockette routines. Part of this can be blamed on the regrettable lack of negroes living in these parts, which has lead to deficit in the per person natural rhythm when compared to, say, New Jersey. But that is all about to change... so when planning your next visit to Westerville, your boogie-down destination had better be the one and only...

... Dapper Dan’s Manly Man All-Male Toe Dance-A-Torium, Central Ohio’s only dance instruction-centric experience – at least of straight men – and featuring loads of dance ideas for the manly man in your family!

Hi there, I’m Dapper Dan the Dancin’ Man...

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And guys I’m here to tell you that when you are dancing to attract a member of the opposite sex, whether for a lifetime commitment or just for the night, there are only two ways to dance...

The Right Way...

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And the Wrong Way...

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Numerous studies commissioned by such prestigious publications such as Cosmopolitan and Penthouse have demonstrated beyond a shadow of a doubt that the man who knows how to dance is the man who wins the lady...

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So if you can't dance, you're more likely to suffer rejection...

Rejection

And social humiliation...

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That could just as easily be avoided.

So what's a rhythm-impaired manly man supposed to do?

Well, you could admit defeat and withdraw into your own private world...

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Or start living life in the manner your cousin does...

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Worse yet, you could start "dropping in" on Kevy Bellouche's parties...

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Or try to learn dancing from one of Kevy's friends...

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But let's face facts, those strategies just won't help.

If you want to enjoy this sort of success with the ladies...

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What you need is professional dance instruction at Dapper Dan's Manly Man All-Male Toe Dance-A-Torium !

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We have attractive, certified female dance instructors who know all the steps...

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Are sworn to secrecy about your instruction...

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And will happily teach you whatever dance steps your require for your personal goals...

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Be they disco dance-floor success...

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Expanding your multicultural horizons...

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Or a tryout with the Chippendales...

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So remember, guys, the woman of your dreams is out on the dance-floor...

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To make her yours, you need Dapper Dan's Manly Man All-Male Toe Dance-A-Torium, because...

Dinner And A Dance... It's Cheaper Than Jewelry™


LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Sven Turdblossom

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Sven Turdblossom

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Sven Turdblossom runs the justly famous and popular The Sven Is Mightier Than The Fjord blog out of his home in Hammernordskyvyk, Norway.

Sven Turdblossom – Feeling Young Forever Means Laying Off The Lutefisk.

I’m Sven Turdblossom. You may not know this, but many species of dirt and rock are edible. And as a matter of fact, not only are many of those rocks and bits of dirt edible, they are also good for you. I’ve devoted the last 15 years of life to the science of human health and longevity, and the results of my research can be found at The Sven Is Mightier Than The Fjord.

15 years ago my father, Tern Turdblossom, then a hearty 75 old male in the prime of his life, died unexpectedly. Although many, including my mother, felt his death has much to do with the fact that he was entertaining several members of the Swedish Bikini Team at the time, I was of the opinion he died because he hadn’t watched his health. Even if you survived the Bikini Team, he’d have never survived Mother. That’s not watching your health.

So I looked at myself and said, Sven, you’re 28, and you’ve got to start taking care of yourself today! So I stopped eating sweets. And meat. And carbs. I started eating natural foods. Then I started exercising. Running, swimming and swimming some more. I vowed I’d get in good enough shape to swim from Hammernordskyvyk to Lutevyksky. That’s a fifteen mile swim from one end of Hammerlute Fjord to the other in near-freezing water.

Well, it took five years of exercise and proper diet, but finally, I made the swim from Hammernordskyvyk to Lutevyksky. That was ten years ago. Now I make that swim once a week, and all the people living with 100 miles of the Hammerlute say, when they hear my name, that the Sven is mightier than the fjord.

I figure I’ll will be ready to tackle the Bikini Team in another 20 years.

When I'm 63.


LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: John Kerry

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

John Kerry

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John Kerry runs the justly famous and popular There I Was, Pinned Down By A Deadly Hail Of Jap Fire... blog from wherever Teresa tells him to.

John Kerry – I’d Rather Be On Daily KOS

I know what you’re thinking... and it isn’t fair.

Sure, George W. Bush has an approval rating lower than James Wolcott’s beltline. But it wasn’t when I lost to him. It was real high then... although it was pretty low before I won the nomination to oppose him.

I never did figure that one out.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure I want to run again in 2008 and I’m pretty sure that if I do I’ll want your support. I’m pretty sure I’ll be opposing the war, and also pretty sure I’ll want a cleaner environment and universal health care and some other stuff too.

So forget about 2004. Together we can make America great in 2008 by electing me President.

It will be Christmas In Cambodia every day for eight years!

But in the meantime, I’m pretty sure I’ll be blogging with LINGERE Media... primarily because Markos thinks I’m a Putz and won’t give me space on Daily KOS. And that’s something I’m pretty sure I’ll make him regret in 2008.

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Madonna

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Madonna

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Madonna runs the justly famous and popular Do As I Say blog out of her home in the South of England.

Madonna – I’m Worried About Your Morals

Now that I’m 40-something, musically passé, and unable to con anyone, not even my husband, that I can act, I think it is appropriate that I do the middle-aged thing by developing a deep concern for the moral fiber of our country and our youth. Now I understand that some of you might have noted that I’ve made a couple of hundred million selling sex over the past two decades, but let me assure you... That was then. This is now.

Then, when faced with a fork in the road career-wise, I did what I had to do; I sold sex. In the ‘80s I was the Teen Slut Next Door, so it didn’t matter that couldn’t sing to save my life and danced like a Clydesdale. And when that stopped working, I published metal books of myself in the alltogether with chapters entitled “I Love My Pussy.” That took me through the ‘90s. But now it is 2005 and I'm willing to face facts: It’s all over. What isn't sagging is bagging. Now the only guys who get a woody from my act wear Jade East cologne and bad toupees. That may keep Cher going, but it doesn’t do anything for me.

So, given my options, I’ve decided to take up religion and the thankless task of worrying about your morals. I can afford to that sort of thing, and do it in the sort of luxury you can't even imagine. So remember: You shouldn’t be fascinated by sex... It’s not good for you. Or your children. And I can say that in all seriousness. I really do want to forgo the pleasures of manufactured, mass-marketed sex. It’s Immoral.

Believe me on this one... I've done the research.

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Kevin Drum

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Kevin Drum

Kevin_alfred_1

Kevin Drum runs the justly famous and popular Political Animal blog out of his home in Orange County, California.

Kevin Drum – Howdy. I’m Kevin.

Howdy.

I’m Kevin.

You should read what I write. That’s because I write about stuff that you have to be real smart to know about. Real smart.

I’m Kevin.

Things like Social Security. You have to be real smart to write about Social Security. That’s because it has a lot of stuff in it. Lots of real hard stuff. Stuff like actuarial science, governmental accounting, finance and fiscal policy.

I’m Kevin.

And I learned all that stuff. Not at school, though. I learned journalism in school. I learned actuarial science, governmental accounting, finance and fiscal policy from Matt Yglesias over the phone. Matt learned it studying philosophy at Harvard. The parts he didn’t know I learned from Josh Marshall. He learned it getting a Ph.D. in history.

I’m Kevin.

I would have learned it from Brad DeLong, but he was always eating donuts so I couldn’t understand what he was saying. Anyway, you should come to my site and get smart. Like me. And if your head starts hurting, send me an email and I’ll just put up photos of my cat.

Bye now.

I’m Kevin.

LINGERE MEDIA TEST AD: The Westerville Prune Festival

LINGERE MEDIA ADS

Well, since we can’t wait around forever for Pajamas Media to actually start testing the ads they were supposed to test in September and October, LINGERE has decided to dispense with the normal progression of satire and parody and just go ahead and assume that who- or whatever Pajamas’ Dynamic Duo manage to land as advertising clients, and whatever it is that they do for (or to) those poor saps, it will be lame as Hell. So without further ado, here is the first test ad in a series for LINGERE’s Advertising Partners (aka People Who Owe Dennis Money).

Note: Since running the test ad for the Westerville Visitors Bureau, literally more than one call as poured in asking for further information, directions and proof. Based on the unexpected success of the ad, the Controlling Board of the Westerville Prune Festival has decided to run a test ad. Here it is. Enjoy!

The Westerville Prune Festival

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As anyone who’s been to Westerville well knows, the Westerville Prune Festival guarantees fun out the wazoo. So when planning your next family outing, vacation or high colonic, be sure to attend the Westerville Prune Festival !

A Little History

Westerville didn't always have a Prune Festival. No siree. Up until 1963, Westerville had the Westerville OysterFest.

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Which was a lot of fun...

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But very hard on the unmarried guys. So to speak.

It got to the point where the number of arrests for lewd conduct...

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(Pec flexing is illegal in Ohio)

And the number of pregancies...

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Lead the City Fathers to discontinue the Oysterfest and start the Westerville Prune Festival.

The activity is just as primal and every bit as urgent, but unlike the results of the Oysterfest, it passes.

So to speak.

The Festival

The festival itself is filled with interesting venues and events.

For example, there's Art...

The Prune Festival Ladies Dance League, seen below, do an interpretive dance called "I'm Next In Line"...

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... and another called "Who Cut The Cheese?"

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Of course, we have Fun too, in this case the Liza Minelli lookalike contest...

Which Kevy Bellouche has won 10 years running now.

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The man has Liza down pat.

But he has some tough competition this year...

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... from Bert Boswell of Boswell Trucking. Kevy better not rest on his laurels!

For the teens there's Prunapalooza...

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This year's headliners... The Rolling Stones!

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Yep, that's Mick in all black...

Of course, no Prune Festival would be complete without the "Miss Prune" Contest...

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The yearly ceremonial "titty twist" of the outgoing "Mr. Prune" by the incoming "Mrs. Prune"...

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The competition of Outhouse Leapfrog is always much anticipated...

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As is the unveiling of the ceremonial Presidential Outhouse!

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The Prune Festival always ends with the crowning of this year's "Outhouse Queen"...

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And the showstopper of the Closing Festivities...

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Kevy Bellouche and the Westerville Gay Mens Chorus' "Tribute To Britney Spears"!

The Westerville Prune Festival:

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What Happens Here Stays Here!™


I’m Closing Down This Blog Right Now...

I can’t top this. I can’t come close to topping this...

I have been defeated.

Here’s a link to the Pajamas Media Contributor Profiles. Here’s the profile for some boob named Luke Ford:

Luke Ford – A desperate need to act right now

I’ve been working in journalism since 1982, when I transferred to a high school to take a special journalism class they offered. I worked at radio station KAHI/KHYL in Sacramento, from 1982 to 1987, starting while still in high school. I converted to Judaism in 1993, a result of an existential crisis caused by six years being bedridden with chronic fatigue syndrome, which has forever infused my life with a kind of desperateness, a haunting fear that everything could go away, so better take a risk and do something right now!

I was bedridden for many dark years. I converted to Judaism, but in some ways I’ve become more desperate about the need to get things done right now. As part of that desperation, I came out of my illness and desperately wanted to get a book published. I tried different topics but the only one I was able to sell was a book about the history of sex in film. It contained a lot of history of the porn industry and the more exploitive end of Hollywood.

In conjunction with that book, I started my first blogging in July of 1997 -- just a website where I put the thousands of pages of notes I wasn’t able to use in the book. Then I wrote two other books, the most recent of them, ‘Yesterday’s News Tomorrow: Inside American Jewish Journalism.’ By the way, I’m single, 39, heterosexual, and looking (chuckles).

On his blog - Obsessed with entertainment, journalists and religion

The current blog, started in August 2001, is about me, me, me and my random obsessions in the areas of entertainment, media and religion. It’s very much first-person driven and I go on very long at times. If I do an interview on something that interests me, I can go 20 pages -- probably 100 pages if it’s about Cathy Seipp. It’s not short and punchy like what people think of as good blog writing. It’s not proto-typical blogging.

Noah Shachtman, at Salon, wrote an article calling me a pioneer of blogging along with Matt Drudge (chuckles). It’s basically lots of long interviews with personalities and with no comments. I’m more serious if I am interviewing people for a book, but otherwise it is just my obsessions -- female journalists are one, religion is another.

I get excited about telling someone’s story who is an underdog generally and has been scrunched by life. It is a thrill to tell their stories -- even stories that I ideologically oppose. For example, I am against anti-discrimination laws such as sexual harassment laws, and I also think people should be able to hire and fire who they want. But I get great stories from people who have been mistreated and had their lives turned upside down. My opinion is they should get up and walk away, but they have maybe gone to court and lost. It’s still a great story.

On our direction

It’s like herding cats. I have nothing but admiration for the audacity of the people trying to do this -- really just wide-eyed admiration for the people trying to organize this thing. I can’t conceive of how it could work, but even so I have signed on. I signed on as a show of support, for my friends who have decided to get involved, and I have no other expectations.

Here’s the LukeFord.net blog Pajamas Media provides a link for.

What Pajamas Media doesn’t provide a link to is Luke Ford’s other blog: LukeIsBack.net.

Yep. He’s blogging about the Porn Industry. It’s not the first time, either.

Yep. That’s an ad for IAmIvan.com... the “Online Home of Ivan’s Slut-O-Rama”.

Yep. That’s the same “Waiting For Dr. Rishwan” post on Pajamas-sanitized LukeFord.net. Other posts are cross-posted as well.

Yep. You can get a free trial of BlowMeLive.com via LukeIsBack. Talk about convenience.

And Heaven Help You if you accidently type in LukeFord.com. If you enter that site, you get pictures of porn stars, lesbianism and drug abuse. Not that any of that is Luke's doing... he sold LukeFord.com a few years ago to a hardcore porn outfit.

So, basically, at some point in time Roger L. Simon and Charles Johnson had to look at each other and say, "Sign up Luke Ford? That's a good idea!" while telling each other retaining 230 other bloggers without ties to the pornography industry was a "bad idea".

Mind you, I don't have a problem with pornography in its place... which isn't in the middle of a business venture I'm trying to sell to mainstream, middle-America advertisers. Can you imagine selling a $1,000,000 ad contract to, say, Dell Computer and then having them call you up one day because they have just found out one of your "influencers" is associated with the porn industry? And the way they found out about it was because of either (1) calls from irate shareholders and customers, (2) calls from reporters at newspapers wanting comment, or (3) Jerry Falwell is knocking on Michael Dell's door?

What the Hell do you say to something like this?

This is New Media?

How can I parody something like this?

The answer is "I can’t".

I quit.

Update: I lied. I didn't quit... Here is my day-after take on this affair.

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: James Wolcott

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

James Wolcott

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James Wolcott runs the justly famous and popular James Wolcott blog out of a booth next to the buffet at the Chez Binge in Midtown Manhattan.

James Wolcott – David Corn Can Eat My Shorts... (It’ll Take Two Sittings)

I recognize that it is not always easy to be fastidious about the company one keeps. I, for example, am a contributing editor to Vanity Fair. There are times were I can’t avoid people who dress in something other than Versace and Geoffrey Beene. You know them; the sort of people who find Ted Rall objectionable. You can find yourself being introduced to people like that at a supposedly “smart” cocktail party. And the incredible part of it is that they may regard you with equal disdain, and there you are; forced to shake hands and grimace a smile because refusing to do so would provoke a "bitchslap" that could end up on Page Six (understand the reference? Great Mother Gaia, I really do love me...). Or you may find yourself at a supposedly “smart” dinner party adjacent to someone you vowed you'd never be trapped indoors with again, all because the host or hostess decided you both needed to be served at a trough rather than a table.

Those things happen.

Now that I’m done being clever, I’ll get to my point: I don't understand why someone as politically keen as The Nation's David Corn would lend his name to the editorial board of Pajamas Media. Let’s face it; The Nation is the Weekly Reader of Socialism. So why forego that sort of prestige to consort with an uncouth, Land’s End sort of assembly of conservative deadbeats? That isn’t being fastidious. Do you think I, the James Wolcott, contributing editor to Vanity Fair, would muss my golden tresses with these money grubbing lickspittles?

Of course not.

What could David Corn being thinking of? Look at the illustrious roster of ideological utensils make up Pajamas' masthead: Michael Barone...John Podhoretz...Tim Blair...and someone actually called "neo-neocon"...it’s enough to put me off that thirteenth donut! These people are just the sort of L.L. Bean wearing influencers all decent men and women lucky enough to live in Midtown should shun until proper disinfectant can be found.

By allowing his name to be slated on the editorial board, Corn is actually accepting money for peddling a bunch of neo-socialist twattle to a bunch of neo-con unbelievers and their goose-stepping minions. That’s a betrayal of basic ethics. He should only accept money for peddling neo-socialist twattle to Midtown neo-Marxists. By letting himself be used as the tighty whities that enable Pajamas to hide their true nature, he allows Pajamas to pretend that it's a bipartisan effort instead of what it so flagrantly is, a right wing tower of Babel.

Why does David Corn want to be associated with hate-blogs like Little Green Footballs and PeaPies? They aren’t written by clever Midtown types who dress well and write for prestigious publications like Vanity Fair, after all. What can be gained by a frank, thoughtful exchanges of ideas and differing points of view? Whatever the reason, I guess he does want that association, because he'll be at Pajamas' gala conference in November in Manhattan, where Roger L. Simon and company will unveil this week’s business plan and their new moniker. Then everybody will adjourn to invade Iran, Syria and France, if they can arrange transportation (Great Goddess Gaia, I am so very, very clever... I do so love me...).

LINGERE Media Taps Marketing and Business Development Executives; Expands Offices in Westerville and French Lick

WESTERVILLE, Ohio, Nov. 7 /LINGERENewswire/ -- LINGERE Media, a new blogging venture designed to bring together some half-assed online writers, scam artists and social cripples under a single umbrella, today announced it has expanded its operations to include regional offices in French Lick, Indiana (West Coast) and Westerville, Ohio (East Coast). The organization also strengthened its advertising and sales team with the hiring of Wilber Kibler, vice president of marketing, and Hubert 'Hoot' Waybill, research director.

Salesman

Wilber Kibler

Wilber Kibler joins LINGERE Media from WhoopsNet where he served as founder and CEO since about three months ago. Wilber has 20+ years experience as a sporadically employed communications tool. He has had remarkably short tenures at a number of prestigious companies such as Vick’s House of Porn, Surplus World, Claude’s Waffle Universe and SmellTech. Kibler will work out of the LINGERE Media West Coast office to quickly make up the organization's word-of-mouth marketing strategy and environment and oversee the LINGERE Media business development, advertising and sales operations.

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Hubert Waybill

Hubert “Hoot” Waybill worked as Associate Research Director and Mailroom Supervisor at Hoongadoonga, Hoongadoona, Hoongadoonga & McCormick before joining LINGERE Media. Waybill will manage LINGERE Media research evaluating business-to-business programs and its opinion-oriented research projects along with site monitoring and internet data analyses. He will also be in charge of making coffee.

"LINGERE Media is attempting to turn a quick buck by convincing some ot-nay oo-tay right-bay folks with cash to burn that we can build a dynamic community of writers, philosophers, blah, blah, blah, in an effort to democratize the media, woof, woof, woof. You get the picture... New Media. Both Wilber and Hoot will take that same approach to our business model, which is bringing together bloggers and marketers to create alternative methods to do whatever it is we’re doing. Shit, I dunno...," said founder and CEO, Dennis T. Peasant. "LINGERE Media is all about blogger empowerment, self esteem and group hugs, and we are very pleased to have Wilber and Hoot enlist in our cause."

LINGERE Media will run its corporate office out of the Westerville location and will drive its sales and business development programs out of its French Lick location.

Contact information for each office, email us... We owe an Indiana landlord some money at the moment.

About LINGERE Media
LINGERE Media is a new blogging venture designed to bring together some of the internet’s more obvious fast-buck artists and will hopefully cobble together a single source that will, in our dreams, complement and re-define journalism in the 21st century, which we can then unload on a gullible public via a stock offering. Upon its official debut in November 2005, LINGERE Media will feature content from over 300, no 70, no 150, no, make it 70 half-assed bloggers. The company was founded in 2004 by acclaimed accountant and blogger Dennis The Peasant and Cletus Barnwell, cesspool manager, hog calling champion, and author of the blog What Smell?

LINGERE MEDIA TEST AD: The House of Muu Muus

LINGERE MEDIA ADS

Well, since we can’t wait around forever for Pajamas Media to actually start testing the ads they were supposed to test in September and October, LINGERE has decided to dispense with the normal progression of satire and parody and just go ahead and assume that who- or whatever Pajamas’ Dynamic Duo manage to land as advertising clients, and whatever it is that they do for (or to) those poor saps, it will be Lame as Hell. So without further ado, here is another test ad in the series for LINGERE’s Advertising Partners (aka People Who Owe Dennis Money).

The House of Muu Muus

As anyone who’s been to Westerville well knows, this area has fine clothing stores out the wazoo. That said, the destination loungewear spot here is the one and only...

House_of_muu_muus

... The House of Muu Muus, Central Ohio’s only muu muu-centric shopping experience – featuring a loungewear for every member of the family! Every member...

Here are just a sample of the fine quality apparel you can purchase at The House of Muu Muus:

From the Casual Collection™:

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And this from our Madonna Collection™:

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This is a favorite from the Fantasy™ line designed exclusively for us by Dick Butkus:

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So, the next time you’re in town, be sure to put The House of Muu Muus on your short list of must try shopping experiences.

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“I’m Kevy Bellouche, and I Guarantee your satisfaction!™

LINGERE MEDIA EDITORIAL BOARD PROFILES: Treeflower Fernworthy

Editorial Board Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Treeflower Fernworthy

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Treeflower Fernworthy is the co-owner of the Westerville Commune and Organic Free-Range Tofu Ranch and Cooperative, LLC, estranged wife of Noam Fernworthy, the recently outed FBI Agent, and Editorial Board member here at LINGERE Media. She is the most feared arm wrestler in Central Ohio. She runs her blog, So Dowd Thinks She's Got It Bad, Eh? from the Commune.

Treeflower Fernworthy - My Life Shouldn't Happen To Two Dogs...

When Noam and I met, and then married, I thought personal happiness would be mine for a lifetime.

When we decided to start an organic tofu ranch run on strict Marxist principles, I thought egalitarian, socially responsible happiness would be mine for a lifetime.

So much for that shit.

Here I am closing in on 50:

I have a husband who I thought was Abby Hoffman, but was actually G. Gordon Liddy.

I own half a commune and organic tofu ranch that has never made a dime... not in Boulder or Berkeley, mind you... but in Central Ohio.

Ohio...

Central Ohio.

So now what?

Sell the ranch?

I’d clear enough to retire tomorrow.

As long as I only live another six months.

Otherwise, it’s running register two at Wal-Mart until I die.

A divorce?

Great.

That means singles dances in the basement of the Westerville Baptist Church once a month.

And being asked out be every bachelor pig farmer within 150 miles of the Commune.

There you have it.

My life.

Which shouldn’t happen to two dogs.


LINGERE MEDIA EDITORIAL BOARD PROFILES: Noam Fernworthy

Editorial Board Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Noam Fernworthy

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Undercover...

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And outed.

Noam Fernworthy, Westerville’s very own accidentally outed undercover FBI agent, doesn’t run a justly famous and popular blog at this time. He’s in the Westerville Jail waiting trial on charges of failing to properly restraint Oliver Willis around Krispy Kreme donuts.

Noam Fernworthy – You Know, Dennis, If You Had Properly Plotted The Westerville Chronicles, I’d Be Sipping Martinis in Pataskala Right Now

Goddamn it, Dennis, you said one week in jail... two tops. I swear if you don’t get me the fu...

A Message From Dennis T. Peasant, President and CEO of LINGERE Media:

Eh hem... Sorry everyone, the Westerville Jail just went on lockdown status and I’ve lost the ability to communicate with Noam. That’s unfortunate, but I’ll go ahead and carry on for him.

Noam Fernworthy has been a resident of Westerville, Ohio for nearly 25 years now. Together with his wife, Treeflower (also an Editorial Board member), he ran the Westerville Commune and Organic Free-Range Tofu Ranch and Cooperative, LLC and served as Westerville’s Village Hippie. Several months ago I discovered that Noam Fernworthy is an undercover FBI agent who had been sent to surveil Westerville for any subversive activities and, sure as Scooter's yer uncle, I accidently outed him to the Westerville Daily Movement. If you are interested in the gory details, click on The Westerville Chronicles in Categories and read away.

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Ann Coulter

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Ann Coulter

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Ann Coulter runs the justly famous and popular Ann Coulter blog out of Rick Santorum’s office in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.

Ann Coulter – Can You Believe I've Managed To Pull Off This Whole “I’m A Sexy Right-Wing Bitch Goddess” Thing?

I have a new book out this week. I call it “This Week’s Ann Coulter Book”. I don’t remember the title, it’s probably just one word, and I’m sure you can look it up on Amazon.com and then buy it.

The reason I wrote the book, and the reason you need to buy the book, is because Leftists, Liberals, Socialists, Communists and Moderates are a plague... The sort of plague that can only be stopped by the deposit of large amounts of cash in my bank account.

Let’s face it. I know how to argue... I’m a lawyer from a really good law school. And I know how to use Lexis-Nexis and Google... so I have all the facts at my command. That puts me one up on all you Right Wingers who are busy doing real work at real jobs, raising families and going to church. In my books I put together a whole series of arguments guaranteed to show the Scum Who Doesn’t Agree With Us that we are right and they are wrong. An added bonus is that these arguments are easy enough for everyone to follow – even those of you who get confused by the complexity of Sean Hannity.

Plus, I have this whole Republican Sex Goddess thing going on... Right? I look like a 30-something version of every bitchy Tri-Delt that wouldn’t date you in college. So at night you can read 15 pages before turning out the lights, end up better informed and ready to throw the wife a quick one without the Viagra.

So buy my new book. Buy all of my books... And we’ll conquer the Scum together while you get some jollies looking at me. We'll get them all... except for Bill Maher; he lets me come on his show to mock people like Harriet Miers and try to con Lefties into buying my book.

My new book.

That you haven’t bought yet.


LINGERE MEDIA TEST AD: Westerville Visitors Bureau

LINGERE MEDIA ADS

Well, since we can’t wait around forever for Pajamas Media to actually start testing the ads they were supposed to test in September and October, LINGERE has decided to dispense with the normal progression of satire and parody and just go ahead and assume that who- or whatever Pajamas’ Dynamic Duo manage to land as advertising clients, and whatever it is that they do for (or to) those poor saps, it will be Lame as Hell. So without further ado, here is another test ad in the series for LINGERE’s Advertising Partners (aka People Who Owe Dennis Money).

The City of Westerville

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As anyone who’s been to Westerville well knows, this area has vacation potential out the wazoo. That said, when planning your vacation to Westerville, your first stop here better be the one and only...

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... Westerville Visitors Bureau, Central Ohio’s only Westerville-centric visiting experience – featuring vacation ideas for every member of the family!

Here are just a sample of the fine vacation experiences you can discover at the Westerville Visitors Bureau...

You can visit the atom-fired asphalt plant on the South side of town!

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As well as the fascinating architecture of the suburbs surrounding the plant...

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You can meet some of the folks that live in those suburbs, called "Asphalt Town".

Here's performance artist Ben Wanker...

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And the Phnark twins: Timmy and Tommy...

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Problems with radiation levels? We don't think so!

Or visit the Westerville Community Cesspool...

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Try the cesspool fishing! Watch out, they grow ‘em big in the ‘pool...

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The 'pool's beaches are never too crowded...

Fun

And don’t let the look of the natives fool you...

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Westerville is a center of high technology and industry...

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As well as agriculture!

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So call the Westerville Visitors Bureau today so you can vacation in Westerville tomorrow!

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Westerville... Because You Gotta Live Somewhere!™

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Andrew Sullivan

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Andrew Sullivan

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Andrew Sullivan runs the justly famous and popular Daily Dish blog from somewhere... he won’t tell me.

Andrew Sullivan – Torture And Marriage Are All I Think About, Doesn't That Make Me A Normal, Middle-Aged Guy?

Dennis;

Just what part of the phrase ‘restraining order’ don’t you understand? I have told you on two dozen seperate occasions in two dozen separate emails that I have no interest in “joining” LINGERE Media, even if it does actually exist.

Now I see you’re claiming I’m a part of LINGERE and am going to blog for you. Ha! There are only two things you’re going to get from me; a lawsuit and the nastiest bitchslap you’ve ever had in your pathetic life.

Drop Dead,

Andrew

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Bertha Broadbent

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Bertha Broadbent

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Bertha Broadbent runs the justly famous and popular A Big Broad Abroad blog out of her zimmer in Hausfrau, Germany.

Bertha Broadbent – The Adventures Of A Big-Chested, Broad-Butted, Big Broad Abroad

I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to be a part of LINGERE Media! Wow! Gretel and I had just won the tag-team soft pretzel eating contest here at the Oktoberfest Festival when I got the call from Dennis. Gretel and I went out for some beer and sausages to celebrate this great honor.

A Big Broad Abroad is intended to be an educational blog that will chronicle my travels across the world in search of the best every culture has to offer. Presently, I’m traversing Germany in search of the best in festivals and celebrations that involve both food and eating competitions.

That’s pretty much it for now, as Gretel is signaling me that the sauerkraut eating contest is almost ready to start.

LINGERE MEDIA TEST AD: Chez Methané

LINGERE MEDIA ADS

Well, since we can’t wait around forever for Pajamas Media to actually start testing the ads they were supposed to test in September and October, LINGERE has decided to dispense with the normal progression of satire and parody and just go ahead and assume that who- or whatever Pajamas’ Dynamic Duo manage to land as advertising clients, and whatever it is that they do for (or to) those poor saps, it will be lame as Hell. So without further ado, here is the first test ad in a series for LINGERE’s Advertising Partners (aka People Who Owe Dennis Money).

Chez Methané

As anyone who’s been to Westerville well knows, this area has fine dining out the wazoo. That said, the destination dining spot here is the one and only...

Chez_methane_2

...Chez Methané, Central Ohio’s only Two Star Restaurant – featuring an all bean menu!

Here are just a sample of the mouth-watering dishes you can sample at Chez Methané...

Beans

Three Bean Surprise; Red Beans on a Bed of Beans; One Bean Chili; Beans in a Blanket; Beans Rockefeller; and of course, Beans, Beans, Spam, Beans and Spam (without the Spam).

Chef Gaston LePlop (seen here with an assistant)...

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...loving prepares every dish himself, and head waiter Frenchy McGuire...

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...ensures everyone, including the Rich and Famous, are treated like royalty whenever they visit Central Ohio.

The truth is, the only Two Star All-Bean Restaurant in Central Ohio to host a President has been Chez Methané !

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So, the next time you’re in town, be sure to put Chez Methané on your short list of must try dining experiences.

Chez_methane

It’s A Meal You’ll Remember!™

For The Whiners: The LINGERE Road Map

Alright you whiners...

You know who you are, sending me emails like this one:

Pajamas Media has a Road Map at their site. You don't have a Road Map at your site. It seems to me you haven't put much thought into your venture.

Just for you, and just to let you know ol' Dennis is on the up and up, here is the LINGERE Road Map...

LINGERE Media Road Map

Here is what you can expect to see on this site and from LINGERE Media as we move forward to our big launch at the Westerville Denny’s on November 16.

Current Phase - (November 1-15)

We’ll be posting several profiles each day of the half-assed bloggers who have signed up with us. They represent not only every sort of political outlook, but also a dizzying, dazzling and glamorous array of personal passions... many of which involve thigh-high leather boots with 13 inch stiletto heels, cattle prods and vats of lime jello.

We’ll also be posting the first of our special biographies of our Editorial Board. This board is made up of a bunch of folks I know and who, for the most part, owe me money. Also, they all have way too much time on their hands, which is another attribute that qualified them for the Editorial Board. Yes, several well-known mainstream media figures were asked to join our Editorial Board, but the only one we could rope in was ‘Blabby’ Cudworth of the Westerville Daily Movement. We’d like to claim this means uniting bloggers with established journalists sympathetic to blogging, but who’s kidding who? We will start revealing and profiling some of these people (who may surprise you) this month. They will be guiding our content into the near future, which in all probability, will be a serious mistake. Waldo P. Suggins, CPA will serve as Supervising Executive Editor of this board, primarily because I sign his paycheck and therefore can make him do it if I want.

The beginning of the testing phase of the long-anticipated ad placements for blogs who have signed contracts with us.

Second Phase - (November 1-15)

We’ll being continuing the biographies of our half-assed bloggers and Editorial Board members.

Also, Editorial Board consultations to explore new content directions for blogs via our company, including next-generation formats and original news reporting. I don’t know what that means, but it sounds good.

We’ll continue the testing of advertising on more and more blogs.

Then we’ll convene the Blog Advisory Committee. This is a group of our contributors who will meet at Starbucks every Tuesday and bitch about overall direction in the blogosphere and try to strongarm the Starbucks manager on duty to sign up for some ads.

A series of invitation-only meetings between our company, advertisers and media companies to further our mutual interest in more and better advertising on blogs. Right now it looks like it’ll be at the IHOP near the Westerville Community Cesspool every Thursday at noon. Dutch treat.

Launch Phase - (November 1-15)

More of the above … profiles, news, private ad discussions, naughty etchings…etc. … leading to…

Our BIG LAUNCH on November 16!

This will take place at the Rainbow Room of the Denny’s here in Westerville, at which time our production operation will go live, at least in theory. We may even change our name and logo (what the fuck, how could that confuse anyone?).

The launch will include panel discussions on the future of the media, with half-assed bloggers and mainstream media folks (to be blogged live), a luncheon and press conference and, of course, a party! The largest panel discussion will be the one on who pays for all this, and will include the management team of Denny’s.

Skullduggery At LINGERE Media

It has come to our attention that Bob Herbert, an Op-Ed columnist with the New York Times...

Mongo_bob_herbert

...has attempted to infiltrate LINGERE Media by posing as Larch LeTard...

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It worked for a little while, but Herbert didn't have the brains to pull it off long-term.

Fortunately, Larch is safe and blogging at the YMCA.

Old Media...

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Dwayne Kidder

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Dwayne “KOZ” Kidder

Tin_foil_hat_1

Dwayne Kidder runs the justly famous and popular Your Face, My Ass, You Fucking Repukeulan! blog out of a homeless shelter in Berkeley, California.

Dwayne “KOZ” Kidder – Although I Loath Partisanship, I’ve Got To Say I Hate Those Fucking Rethugulans!

I used to be proud of being an American.

I had a house, a wife, a couple of kids and a good job with a defense contractor. But that was then... before Chimpy McHalliHitler stole the election of 2000. Now it’s 2005 and I can’t walk the streets of Berkeley without getting kicked in the balls by some troglodyte of a Rechimpulan soccer mom screaming shit about an "Earth Goddess" or something.

Something has to change.

That’s why I joined the enlightened online community known as Daily KOS nearly three years ago. There I was, feeling helpless and alone, and then Whammo! I was in the middle of a community of thoughtful, like-minded souls. I had found home.

At first, nobody understood what was happening to me. Or so I thought.

I’d go to work and my boss would ask me for the blueprints I’d been working on. Fuck those fucking blueprints, I’d scream, Just more wasted taxes to buy death and profits for Bushco. and Halliburton!

I’d go home after work, at least while I was still working, and my wife would set a thick steak on the table for dinner. Fuck that fucking steak, I’d yell, Just more money spent lining the pockets of Chimpy’s Texas cattle-ranching fascist buddies!

After dinner I’d tuck in the kids, at least while they were still around, and read them a bedtime story. Tonight Daddy’s going to read you the story of the big slimy mother fucker named George W. Bush, I’d bellow, and how he stole the state of Florida from nice prince Algore with the aid of his fatass motherfucking brother, Jeb!

Like I said, at first I thought it was me... but soon after I was fired, my wife filed for divorce and the kids told the judge they were scared of me, I realized it wasn’t me... it was them! Somehow Bushco. got to them. I’m betting it was Karl Rove.

Anyway, about a year ago KOS himself suggested, in a private email, that where I really needed to be was out on my own. I was reluctant to take such a large, scary step, but after my diary was accidentally shut down and KOS got too busy to return my emails, I decided that perhaps it was his way of being nurturing. That’s when I started my own blog, Your Face, My Ass, You Fucking Repukeulan!. And guess what, not only did I get a link from Atrios, but Armando has mentioned me 3 times this year!

Come and visit, won’t you? Unless you’re a fucking Rethug, you Asshole.

P.S. Be sure to tune into my new gig hosting Radio Nation. They fired Marc Cooper because he’d either gone Right Wing or kept eating all the donuts, I'm not sure which. They were going to hire Wolcott, but he’s been known to pack away the donuts himself... So now I'm in broadcasting. Fuckin' A...

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Natalie Knadmasher

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Natalie Knadmasher

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Natalie Knadmasher runs the justly famous and popular My Foot, Your Groin blog out of her home in Berkeley, California.

Natalie Knadmasher – The Earth Goddess Is Pure, Male Scum!

What do you call that useless piece of skin at the end of a penis?

A man.

And that just about sums it up for me. I’m a womyn and I really don’t have time to fuck around with the weaker of the sexes. That’s what my site is all about... Teaching men that they are weak and we are strong. This teaching is reinforced with the most effective educational tool available to womyn: A swift kick in the crotch.

So womyn, join me at my site. I’ll be dismantling myths about male superiority, as well as sharing pictures of my semi-weekly crotch-kicking expeditions around Berkeley.

And Dennis, if the checks don’t arrive just like you promised, I’ll nail your grapes to the front of my door and use ‘em for a doorbell. Get it?

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Martha Kostyu

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Martha Kostyu

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Martha Kostyu runs the justly famous and popular I Was Going To Pay For That blog out of her apartment in Miami, Florida. She will be relocating soon.

Martha Kostyu – Recovering Kleptomaniacs Need Understanding, Lots Of Understanding...

I am a recovering kleptomaniac, and I want you to know it. It’s my burden and the cause of so much of my suffering. Fortunately, I was able to borrow this laptop from my second cousin while he’s on vacation, or I wouldn’t be writing this now. The police took my computer just yesterday... said the serial number matched that of a Dell Dimension that one of my neighbors misplaced last week. I explained to the officers that I had the paperwork for the sale somewhere, but when I couldn’t come up with it immediately, well, they hauled me down to the station.

After I bailed out, I found they’d taken the computer, as well as my printer, desk, chair and the 16 DVD players I had in the spare bedroom. Despite that, I knew I had to blog... because there are other recovering kleptomaniacs out there counting on my support and guidance. So I remembered my second cousin was on vacation, and I went over to his place to borrow his laptop, printer, desk, and chair. He didn’t have a DVD player, let alone 16 of them. So anyway...

Ooops.

From the pounding on the front door and the yelling, it seems my second cousin got back from vacation a couple of days earlier than I had anticipated... And he’s brought the cops!

Remember...understanding!

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Thomas Titwillow

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Thomas “Tiny Tom” Titwillow

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Tom Titwillow runs the justly famous and popular Nudes For Nader blog out of his apartment in French Lick, Indiana.

Thomas Titwillow – Ralph Nader... Now There’s A Real Man!

Hi everyone. My name is Tom, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here. You’re special. We’re all special.

And because we’re all special in our own unique way, it stands to reason that Ralph Nader is uniquely special in his own way. Doesn’t that stand to reason?

That’s why I started Nudes For Nader, because I think Ralph Nader is much more uniquely special in a special way than people like George W. Bush, Richard Cheney, Donald Rumsfeld, Hilliary Clinton or Ted Kennedy, all of whom frighten me.

Harry Reid’s kind of cute though.

Anyway, Nudes For Nader is going to be the web site that empowers other people to feel the unique specialness of Ralph Nader while not wearing any clothing. Positive vibrations are often diffused by clothing... especially polyester.

So come on over to my web site and join the movement that will change everything: We'll raise money and sign up volunteers, have potluck lunches and sing Peter, Paul and Mary songs.

Yours in Wellness,

Thomas

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Lou Minati

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Lou Minati

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Lou Minotti runs the justly famous and popular They Are Out To Get Me blog out of an undisclosed location near Washington, DC.

Lou Minati – My Refrigerator Is Against Me, Too...

The purpose of my website is to reveal the real powers behind the scenes of politics, media, business and entertainment. Besides Pajamas Media, that is.

I am of the conviction that the world is controlled by a network of secret societies, with the goal to create a New World Order and a One World Government. This network of secret societies is pretty secret, but I’ve found them out and now you know about them. You must be careful, these are extremely wealthy and powerful people who will stop at nothing to ensure that, through lies, half truths and propaganda, more and more and more of the world population believe that a world without borders is a world of peace; a world without wars.

I mean, it’s a miracle they haven’t found and silenced me... for I, via the formerly secret knowledge I possess, can now blow the lid of the sinister plot that is Globalization. And until I’ve brought them all down, I’ll have to keep moving... they have black helicopters that can home right in on my wireless network signal. I’ve seen them. That’s why I do all this at Starbucks... they’d never take out a whole building full of caffeine-crazed yuppies just to silence me...

I want to show the readers of this website that behind every speech at the United Nations or the U.S. Senate there is a malevolent agenda to make us slaves in a global society run by a World Dictator and a cabal of greedy and power-mad elites. Their purpose is to create a Super Socialist State, much like Massachusetts, with a micro-chipped human population, who can be tracked and controlled remotely from a Super Computer, located somewhere in France.

More later. Must keep moving. Over and out.

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Mary Jane Murky

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Mary Jane Murky

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Mary Jane Murky runs the justly famous and popular Cooking With Cannabis blog out of an undisclosed location near Athens, Ohio.

Mary Jane Murky – Oh wow! Like, I Forgot To Turn On The Stove.....

High everyone, I’m................... oh yeah, right, Mary Jane Murky, and I’m here to...................... oh yeah, right, invite you to my groovy blog Cooking With Cannabis.

Now I know most of you have had hash brownies at some time during your................ um................... life. But, like, there are lots of other dishes you can make with marijuana, you know....................... um...............like, um............... oh yeah, right:

Cannabis Alfredo
Cannabis Fettucini
Pot Pancakes
Hashed-Out Hash Browns
Rice ‘n Resin

And some others I can’t think of right now.

...........................

Oh yeah, right. I’ll be posting some new recipes tomorrow if I can find where I put them. I thought I put the bong on top of them.

Dexter? Moonbeam? Did you guys use my recipes to roll 'em?


LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Josh Marshall

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Josh Marshall

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Josh Marshall runs the justly famous and popular Talking Points Memo blog out of his home in Washington, DC.

Josh Marshall – Uh.....

Uh..... Karl Rove.....


Uh...... Tom DeLay.....


Uh..... Scotter Libby.....


Uh...... Shit! I drooled all over my pants.


Again!

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Raoul Freen

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Raoul Freen

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Raoul Freen runs the justly famous and popular Photography Is Easy! blog out of his studio “Photography by Raoul of Toledo, Ohio” in Youngstown, Ohio.

Raoul Freen – There’s Nothing To It!

I started Photography Is Easy! to help the average person learn the necessary skills to take good pictures. With their cameras. And the best part is, when you read my blog, you’re getting all sorts of tips that only professional photographers know. Here’s a sample of the kind of tips you’ll get at my site:

1. Always take the cap off the lens.
2. Make sure you have one of those little memory card thingees in the slot.
3. Make sure it’s the right sort of memory card thingee. There’s a bunch of different kinds.
4. Always center your target.
5. Click away.
6. Always check to make sure you’ve put batteries in your camera. This should probably be number 2.
7. Click away.

Stop by tomorrow, when I host a blog discussion of “How to get all of a really hefty woman in the glamour shot she’s paying you for.”

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Paris Hilton

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Paris Hilton

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Paris Hilton runs the justly famous and popular Tautological Logic Loops blog out of her current residence in Paris, France.

Paris Hilton – Sartre Was Correct: Existence Precedes And Rules Essence

Nicky and I were sitting around the grand hall contemplating what we wanted the staff to prepare for dinner (we settled on lark’s tongue in aspic), when Nicky took out her battered copy of Jean-Paul Sartre’s Being and Nothingness and threw down the challenge:

“Paris, darling, I’ve read it a thousand times, and I still can’t buy into Jean-Paul’s argument.”

“But Nicky,” I said, “Being and Nothingness was an early attempt in the systematization of Existentialism. You know, when you are adapting phenomenological methodologies to develop an ontological account of what it is to be human, subtle revisions to those methodologies are going to be required to meet the arguments who deny the always unstable co-existence of facticity and freedom in an indifferent world.”

“Well...”

“Do you agree that the main features of Sartre’s ontology are the groundlessness and radical freedom which characterize the human condition?

“Yes...”

“And that these are contrasted with the unproblematic being of the world of things?”

“Yes...”

“OK then, let’s go shopping.”

And we did.

Another Important Press Release: LINGERE Media Motto

For Immediate Release

Contact:
Dennis T. Peasant
c/o
Karl Rove
White House
Crawford, TX

LINGERE Media Announces Corporate Motto

"LINGERE Media: Coverage that's skimpy and transparent!"

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Ant Hill Harry

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Ant Hill Harry aka “Baby Face Finster”

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Finster runs the justly famous and popular I Been Framed! blog out of his current residence, the federal prison in Leavenworth, Kansas.

Ant Hill Harry – It Was The Rabbit!

I started blogging a year ago while doin’ a 30 year stretch here in da joint. Since my Mouthpiece ain’t returning my phone calls no more, I thought I’d bring youse, da public, my story about how I’m innocent and all. What it comes down to is I got a raw deal. That stinkin’ Rabbit was supposed to put me up until the heat was off an’ then we’d split the cash 50-50.

Whoops, the Screw’s coming... I gotta take it on the lamb for a while... It’s lights out an’ there’s no bloggin’ allowed after Lights Out. More later...

LINGERE MEDIA BLOGGER PROFILES: Larch LeTard

Contributor Profiles

Welcome to a new series we just thought up without help or reference to any other internet media companies. Since we don’t actually have anything working yet, we thought we’d fob off some biographies on contributors and bloggers who have joined our effort to make a buck. You’ll be amazed at the vast array of topics, opinions, news and personal perversions we’re going to shoehorn into one easy-access and advertise at place. While we finalize our plans yet again, we thought you’d enjoy meeting some of the people who comprise the dazzling mix of expertise, talent and individuality of the blogosphere, but given what we can afford to pay, what you’ll end up with is the folks you’re going to actually find at LINGERE Media. Enjoy!

Larch "Mongo" LeTard

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Larch runs the justly famous and popular DuhWha? blog out of his current residence, the downtown Columbus, Ohio YMCA.

Larch LeTard – Can Anyone Set Up This VCR?

I started blogging a few years ago when I couldn’t figure out how to get my new VCR to stop flashing “12:00” all the time. Well, it seems there are a lot of folks with that problem, so DuhWha? was getting up to 25 hits a day within a month. And although I never did get the VCR set up right, I decided I could use my blog to help ordinary folks such as myself with solving all sorts of appliance-related problems that nag at us each and every day.

Everything seemed to be going fine until we hit that “How do you fix a waffle iron?” thread back in January. Since that episode involved my house burning down, I had to stop blogging until I could relocate to the YMCA. But that turned out to be a relatively minor setback; I'm back up and running and as strong as ever. The major setback was having to buy a new waffle iron and new computer. Hopefully the money I make off advertising from LINGERE will allow me to make a downpayment on a new house.

An Important Press Announcement By Dennis The Peasant: LINGERE Media Formed

For Immediate Release

Contact:
Dennis T. Peasant
c/o
Karl Rove
White House
Crawford, TX

New Blog Venture Unveils All-Star Contributors, Prepares for November Debut

LINGERE Media to bring together large numbers of half-assed bloggers in a half-assed venture in a half-assed attempt at creating a half-assed new media. This will be done in a half-assed manner, without funding, advertising, a business plan or a clue. We will have a nice unveiling party at the Westerville “Denny’s” on November 16, though.

WESTERVILLE, Ohio, Nov. 1, 2005 – LINGERE (The League of Independent News Gathers Who’ll Earn Respect Eventually) Media, a new blogging venture designed to bring together top online writers, journalists and commentators under a single umbrella that might be a portal, a web site, or something completely different tomorrow if we think of it, today unveiled its editorial board as it prepares for its formal debut this month.

The announcement comes as LINGERE Media works on today’s version of its vision of coalescing the internet’s brightest minds and most compelling content into a single source that will be shoehorned into your standard old media format. This, in turn, will complement and define 21st Century journalism... in our dreams. The company will detail the umpteenth version of its newest vision and latest strategy -- and perhaps a new name (what the fuck, right?) -- at an invitation-only Westerville event slated for November 16.

LINGERE Media today revealed that its editorial board members and contributors include Dennis T. Peasant, one of the world's most-read bloggers; C. Babbington Cudworth, editor of the Westerville Daily Movement; Noam Fernworthy, former hippy and outed CIA undercover agent; Elmer Lunt, who reads the 6 AM farm and traffic reports on WENE-AM (Westerville); and Waldo P. Suggins, a dyslexic accountant who works for me and has way too much free time on his hands.

Other luminaries on LINGERE’s current roster of editorial board members include:

• Treeflower Fernworthy, co-owner and present manager of the Westerville Commune and Organic Free Range Tofu Ranch and Cooperative, reigning arm-wrestling champion of Westerville for 15 years running, and former president of the National Organization of Female Tofu Ranchers’ Westerville chapter.

• Kevy Bellouche, founder and choirmaster of the Westerville Gay Men’s Chorus, winner of the Central Ohio Liza Minnelli Award for Creative Choreography for 10 years running, and owner of The House of Muu Muus, the one stop solution for all your loungewear needs.

• George Dill, Professor and Chairperson of the Ethnic Studies and Journalism Departments at the Central Ohio Institute of Spot Welding, Burger Flipping and Pig Farming.

• Gaston LePlop, owner and head chef of Chez Methane, Central Ohio’s only 2 star restaurant with an all-bean menu.

The company's November Westerville gathering will include, both online and in-person, of some of the most thoughtful, noteworthy industry leaders and influencers in blogging, journalism, and pig farming. Presently we have Scott “Carrot Top” Thompson tentatively scheduled to give the keynote address, “Why Do Your Undies Always Bunch At The Wrong Time?” (Note: If Scott can’t make it, Roger L. Simon will give the keynote; the topic will be “The Art Of The Deal”). Other events will include roadmap discussions with LINGERE's founders, panel discussions on blogging, journalism and our obvious lack of advertising and sponsors, as well as free food, including little cocktail weenies, trail mix and green olives.

For more information on LINGERE’s Westerville event, please contact Effie at the offices of Dennis The Peasant, Westerville, Ohio.

About LINGERE Media

LINGERE Media is a new blogging venture designed to bring together some of the internet’s more obvious fast-buck artists and will hopefully cobble together a single source that will, in our dreams, complement and re-define journalism in the 21st century, which we can then unload on a gullible public via a stock offering. Upon its official debut in November 2005, LINGERE Media will feature content from over 300, no 70, no 150, no, make it 70 half-assed bloggers. The company was founded in 2004 by acclaimed accountant and blogger Dennis The Peasant and Cletus Barnwell, cesspool manager, hog calling champion, and author of the blog What Smell?