Dennis the Peasant

My Newest Client...

Peasant & Associates has expanded into the Paramas, New Jersey area.

Here's why... Our newest client, Nick:

Nick is a conglomerate, by the way:

You know, if he does cut down a whole fucking rain forest again this year, I'll have all I want from Santa...

I'm A TV Luddite...

Well, we're to the point where Muffy has decided she'd really like a new television. What that translates to is that we are getting a new television sooner rather than later. And by sooner rather than later, I'm talking about Christmas.

Personally, I don't see the need. We have a 19 year-old 24" Sony in the family room that is doing just fine. Oh sure, it takes a moment or two (or three) to warm up, and it sometimes really, really, really doesn't want to turn off, but I find it meets my viewing needs in all respects. We even have a 10 year-old 26" Sharp in Muffy's sewing room for backup. I watch hockey, football and SpongeBob on the tube, and cartoons and old movies on DVD. That doesn't require HDTV with TIVO.

At least not in my world.

But since this isn't my world, I have now been tasked with coming up with a couple of televisions to choose from. The problem is, the technology involved in televisions passed me by quite a while ago, and I really, really, really don't want to spend a whole lot of time fucking around trying to figure out what to buy. I suppose I should care enough to actually want to know the difference between plasma, LED and LCD, but truth be told, I'm just a fat, burned-out middle-aged guy who wants to win the lottery and be done with it.

The ol' apathy meter's a bit on the high side on this one...

So, that's where you folks come in. Most of my commenters sound (surprisingly) like they have some education and are gainfully employed, so I'm assuming the rest of you fit that mold. Given that, I'm sure a few of you actually know facts 'n stuff about what televisions technologies and brands are the best to buy. Tell me about them. Not in detail, mind you. Just give me enough that I can bullshit my way through a purchase with my wife watching over my shoulder. And please, do not recommend things that cost thousands of dollars.

It's Like A Death In The Family...

Death, be not proud...

You know in times like these, with the death of Teddy Kennedy and the passing of a dynasty, it's hard not to think about Jerry Lewis. And for me, when I think of Jerry Lewis - the single most annoying, unfunny comic this side of Jerry Seinfeld - I think of Jerry's wonderful cut-rate impersonator, Sammy Petrillo.

Sadly, Sammy has left the building:

Sammy Petrillo, a nightclub comic who built his career mostly on his striking resemblance to Jerry Lewis and a spot-on impression of him — much to Mr. Lewis’s ire — died on Saturday in Bronxville, N.Y. He was 74 and lived in Tuckahoe, N.Y.

Let me tell you one thing about Sammy before grief overcomes me...

He made Bela Lugosi Meets A Brooklyn Gorilla, the finest Martin and Lewis comedy they never made. In fact, it is a better film than anything Jerry Lewis ever made... With or without Dino. 

Find a copy of this film. Watch it. Then you'll know why Sammy Petrillo should be lying in state.

Woodstock My Ass.

I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about "protectin' the earth" and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!

Eric Cartman, South Park

Well, tomorrow marks the end of the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Thank God. The Lamest Generation can go back to the primping, preening, play-acting and navel-gazing that are the hallmarks of all things Baby Boomer. Maybe it's in bad taste to say so, but the fact of the matter is this:

Woodstock must have really sucked. I mean, really sucked.

Have you ever looked at who actually played at Woodstock? Who in their right mind would sit in the mud for three days to listen to:

1. Swami Satchidananda
2. Sweetwater
3. Incredible String Band
4. Bert Sommer
5. Tim Hardin
6. Ravi Shankar
7. Melanie

And those clowns are all from Day One. If they didn't put you in a coma, it should be noted that Day One ended with...

1. Arlo Guthrie, and
2. Joan Baez

That's as good as things got. Arlo Guthrie and Joaz Baez.

Who wouldn't resort to drugs?

Beyond that, half the bands that were name bands sucked:

1. Grateful Dead
2. Jefferson Airplane
3. Sha-Na-Na
4. Country Joe McDonald
5. Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
6. Mountain
7. Blood, Sweat and Tears

(OK, I know some of you are going to go, "Hey, those bands don't suck!" Really? How many CDs of each do you own? When was the last time you played them? I rest my case.)

If you don't believe me when I say Woodstock must have sucked, get a few of the Woodstock CDs that are out there and listen to them. Bottom line? Most of the bands stunk. The ones that weren't tripping were drunk, the ones that weren't either were only thinking of one thing: Getting the fuck out of Woodstock as fast as possible.

There is only one thing that come out of Woodstock that can be regarded as positive, that being the fact that Pete Townshend of The Who gave Yippie asswipe Abbie Hoffman a good whomp upside his head.

On The Advise Of The Surgeon General...

Dennis decides to take up an excercise program...

 

"Hey, I can see Burger King's headquarters from up here!"

Whereupon Dennis Fearlessly Makes His Birth Certificate Public...

Colonic Update...

Well, everything went swimmingly yesterday. What I don't have is any cancer or polyps or extra holes. What I do have is a spiffy two page report from my doctor complete with four full color pictures of my inner sanctum. Even while still under the demerol, I was of the opinion that constituted way too much information. Now that I'm narcotic-free, I still haven't found a good reason to change my mind about that. There are some things the layman really doesn't need to know. What you colon looks like from the inside is definitely one of them.

There was one moment, however, that made this whole unpleasant event worthwhile. After being wheeled back into my room after the procedure, I came to and found Muffy on the right side of my bed, my doctor on the left, with a nurse behind him. As I was loopy, my wife and doctor were going over the results of the exam. The nurse was attending to me. First she had me roll over, get on elbows and knees, and face my fanny to the four winds. Then she put one hand on my lower back, the other on my abdomen and said...

"Fart!"

Quick as a cat, I said, "What?"

"You're full of air from the procedure and you have to get rid of it or you'll cramp. Now push..."

"Jesus!"

"Come on, fart! You can do it! Push!"

"I'm trying..."

"Come on, big farts!"

Of course while this was going on I had my wife and doctor talking above me like nothing of any significance was going on. For some reason I found myself resenting this fact and blurted out the first obnoxious thing that came into my head:

"Well, this is one dream that finally came true!"

The nurse ignored it, Muffy probably put it down to the demerol and hasn't mentioned it, but the doctor did dissolve into laughter.

 

Back to normalcy.

Now Progressives Will Really Love Me Because I'm Hip To New Technology And Therefore Totally Cool... Or So Amanda Would Say, If She Had A Say, Which She Doesn't. (Thank God).

Call it one of those personal quirks that makes me the fascinating individual I am, but I've always loathed talking on the telephone. Five years ago I bought a cell phone for business and ended up giving it to Muffy after a couple of months. Couldn't stand the goddamn thing... Not only was I getting telephone calls everywhere I went, but I also couldn't figure how to program it or use it.

So when my best client started working on me to get an Apple iPhone (so he could forward me all sorts of stuff of a business nature), I was none too enthusiastic. But over time, he managed to show me enough features - and demonstrate that even I could learn to use the thing -  that I relented...

So now I am the proud owner of an iPhone. And you know what? I bought it on Thursday and had it pretty much completely figured out in 24 hours. Amazing. And let me tell you: That thing is slicker than snot. As far as I am concerned, the Big Giant Head can have his Blackberry (I looked at 'em before buying the iPhone). Of course, now I have to started adding apps...

These should do quite nicely, at least as a start:

I can hardly wait to take my iPhone to Muffy's brother's house next Christmas.

More Fun With More Systems

Well, it seems I am recovering nicely from my bout of bronchitis, "general wheeziness" and pneumonia. Another week of antibiotics should be all that is necessary to putting me completely right. On the down side, the antibiotic I have been taking the last six days (Moxifloxacin) has put my gastro-intestinal tract into a state of complete chaos, culminating in my spending all of Sunday in bed with cramps that could probably be compared to the feeling of having a 2x4 inserted in one's colon and then turned sideways. (Interesting aside: Now I think I know how it feels to be Amanda Marcotte.) Needless to say, I been around to see the Doc and tomorrow I'll start something else... hopefully something that will let my colon rest in peace.

Fun With My Respiratory System...

Sorry about the absence, but it was largely unavoidable...

Around 10 p.m. last Wednesday I started having some serious difficulty breathing, and by 11:30 - after two cough-till-you're-blue-in-the-face sessions - I decided an run to the emergency room at St. Ann's was in order.

Was it ever...

By the time I was tested, my breathing efficiency was down to 92%, which is very marginal indeed. Two massive doses of Albuterol got me up to 95% and out of the emergency room, but also kept me awake for the rest of the night (Albuterol is a nasty form of speed). Anyway, the testing and x-rays confirmed that I got me bronchitis, "general wheeziness" and a touch of pneumonia in the right lung.

So...

Now I'm taking Azithromycin (Z-Pack), Prednisone, Albuterol and a truly wicked cough syrup called Hydromet on a daily basis. Things are improving, but a slower rate than I'd like. And of course, this is just the sort of shit that always happens during tax season.

Personally, I blame Obama.