Dennis the Peasant

Last Week's This Week's Amanda Sentence, With Bonus This Week Sentences Thrown In...

Sentence #1:

It seems like this is the most obvious reason to someone like me, who lives in a town where there’s an endless array of quality, independent restaurants that offer the same medium-level prices and mixed drinks as the casual dining chains, but don’t suck so bad that you feel like you just had sex against a dumpster with your sworn enemy after you eat there.

66 words. Evidently Amanda has experience in the matter of having sex with a sworn enemy against a dumpster after either (a) eating at a casual dining chain restaurant, or (b) eating in the dumpster she was having sex against. The sentence isn't real clear on the matter, and as I wouldn't put either event past her, you'll have to decide for yourself.

Sentence #2:

I experimented with a review of Against Love by Laura Kipnis by putting the polemic up against a couple pop culture expressions of the widespread American resentment of marital monogamy---the fascination with the Obama marriage and bro comedies that work with the incorrect assumption that marital drudgery is something imposed on men by the all-powerful matriarchy.

58 or so words. How is fascination with the Obama marriage a manifestation of "widespread American resentment of marital monogamy"? The last time I checked the marriage there was only Barack and Michelle involved, and neither was complaining about the arrangement. Is everyone pissed off that they can't have Barack or Michelle for themselves, or what?

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize For The Clearest Possible Expression Of The Virtual Certainty That Amanda's Best Chance For A Meaningful Long-Term Relationship Will Be With A Divorce Lawyer:

But the reality of American life is we aren’t encouraged to view marriage as we do any other relationship.  With marriage, we’re told that you should live to hold the relationship together, and put endless amounts of time and effort into it, and the success of the relationship is gauged by whether you hold it together, not really whether it makes you happy.

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize For The Second Clearest Possible Expression Of The Virtual Certainty That Amanda's Best Chance For A Meaningful Long-Term Relationship Will Be With A Divorce Lawyer:

The thread turned into a long digression about the concept that “marriages are hard work”, which I agreed with Kipnis is a depressing idea that, since it’s so widely believed across the country, is a major factor in why people rebel against marriage, primarily through cheating.

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize For The Third Clearest Possible Expression Of The Virtual Certainty That Amanda's Best Chance For A Meaningful Long-Term Relationship Will Be With A Divorce Lawyer:

But in reality, Date Night is pushed not as a selfish pleasure you demand for yourself, but as something you must do for the good of the marriage.  Because marriages are hard work.  It’s a miserable contradiction, because Date Night sounds fun, but if you’re contextualizing it with work metaphors, it’s not so much fun. In addition, it’s undeniable that there’s so much pressure out there to work on your marriages because it’s considered an objectively horrible thing if marriages break up left and right.

Sentence #3:

Completely dumping the concept of monogamous relationships is probably beyond a lot of people, including myself, because there are a lot of benefits if you play your cards right.

29 words. "Play your cards right"? Warmth, thy name is Amanda.

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize For The Most Bizarre Manifestation Of Amanda Marcotte's "I've Read Way Too Much Ann Landers" Induced Paranoia:

For instance, the Relationships Take Work mentality fucks people in two different directions.  One, people are encouraged to stay with people who are obviously bad fits, because they think that all the problems that keep cropping up can be massaged out with more and more work.  Two, we’re encouraged to negotiate on every little thing, because of both the Relationships Take Work mentality and the police state mentality.

"Police state mentality"? As an aside, at some point you'd think Amanda might twig onto the idea that if one actually put a bit of work into a relationship, one would discover those "obviously bad fits" prior to marriage...

Sentence #4:

After a week of reading wingnuts go into faux conniptions about the horror of feminists who are too occupied with domestic terrorism and real assaults on women’s rights to care about real issues, such as someone said something nasty about Michelle Malkin---something that is fine and downright clever when said about women who are ass-sucking anti-feminists, but of course is a grave violation of the foundation of feminism when said about a woman who hates other women---I thought it would be nice to honor the new levels of bad faith reached by wingnuts with a Friday Genius Ten.

101 words! Bingo!!! "Ass-sucking anti-feminists"?

Sentence #5:

Hard as it may be to believe, but the wingnut sense of entitlement reached new levels this week.

18 words. Has any other writer in the history of writing been more deserving of a cadre of very patient editors?

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For That Extra Special Touch Of Class We've Come To Expect From Amanda:

I’m not comfortable putting women who allow semen near their nethers without submitting to marriage or childbirth in the same category as adulterers.

That's a relief.

Sentence #6:

But it’s true that I think lying, and sleazing around like a pervert whose desire to control and whose voyeurism slide seamlessly into each other should not be banned by the government until that point where your voyeurism/control issues create a situation where you directly try to control a woman by stalking, harassment, or violence.

56 words. Try to make sense out of that hummer. I dare ya...

Sentence #7:

So, a mix of bitter men with personality issues that made it hard for them to charm a woman into sexual and domestic service, and they blame feminism for making it hard to nail someone down after a drunken mistake, naive kids, and people who’ve sold out their own selves to a strict patriarchy and resent anyone who hasn’t.

59 words. Mix it all together and what do you get? Another hummer, another dare.

This Week's Special "What The Fuck?" Moment Courtesy Of Amanda Marcotte:

Men and women’s interests dovetail pretty nicely on the subject of whether or not it’s moral for a woman to risk bearing a child every time she has sex.And both genders resoundingly believe that it is moral, even if they’re more afraid to say it quite like that then they are to praise pot-smoking as a fine way to spend their time. 

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For This Week's Amanda Marcotte Deep Thought:

As far as pleasures go, sex should top the list of morality.  True, like most things, it can be abused, but most of the time it’s a pleasure that doesn’t do anything bad to the environment, doesn’t hurt anyone else (and practiced correctly, improves at least one other person’s day), and, in the grand American tradition, is a healthful practice that should have a veneer of morality just for that, especially since conservatives and liberals agree that reaching your target heart rate on a regular basis is a valuable practice, if difficult to maintain in our sedentary society.

There you are, kids. Vote early, vote often. No prize this week, on account of Somali pirates brazenly hijacking a cargo ship full of genuine (made in China) Pandagon Vagina O' Death Combination Nail File and Bottle Openers off the wind-swept coast of Ohio.

This Week's Amanda Sentence...

Sentence #1:

Because fuckheads who don’t know what they’re talking about are beginning to blather about how they think they know better than actual doctors about the realities of late term abortion, I thought I’d put up a video that we made explaining the facts.

43 words. If nothing else, Amanda once again demonstrates she is n if not restrained, respectful and tolerant. You really do have to wonder why the New York Times passed up the chance to pay money to print sentences such as the one above.

Sentence #2:

But you definitely see this situation with other MRAs, and in fact the fantasy of the submissive “foreign bride” (Which is the official term MRAs try to use when talking to feminists, in a weak attempt to blur the difference between mail order bride companies and just happening to meet and fall in love with someone of another nationality. But as the Baldwin joke shows, when MRAs feel like they’re in like-minded company, the old-fashioned terminology “mail order bride” comes right out.) has so much power precisely because the crippling bitterness is interfering with their social lives and their ability to get along with women at all.

108 words. If you substitute "Men's Rights Activists" for MRAs, it's 117. Yeah, I know she threw a period in there behind the parenthesis, but punctuation is about where Amanda's creativity ends. Besides, the sentence within the sentence isn't actually a complete sentence in and of itself... So it's a 100 worder according to both the rule book and the judges. It's been a long time since we've had one of these beauties, and personally, I'm hoping her expansionist tendencies continue.

Sentence #3:

Of course, it’s hard for those of us who deal with MRAs to muster up compassion, because their bitterness comes directly from having massive entitlement issues in the first place.

30 words. As opposed to femnists like Amanda, who are neither bitter nor burdened by feelings of entitlement...

Sentence #4:

The common element throughout MRA narratives is that they never even saw the divorce crumbling, and they feel like they had something taken from them without even getting a chance to make it right.

34 words. 37 with the MRA thingy. The embittered MRAs are embittered because they "never even saw the divorce crumbling"? Does this mean they are trapped in a loveless divorce? One devoid of meaning? Or does it mean the MRA and wife have remarried, thus ruining a perfectly happy divorce before counseling and therapy could make it right? Or could it just be that proofreading is the enemy?

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize For The Obligatory Weekly Amanda Reference To The Male Member:

What’s interesting to me about this huge panic attack over Sotomayor, like Limbaugh claiming she’s a “racist” for daring to believe that she can be good at her job despite the lack of the pale-skinned penis in her pants, is how it’s blatantly predicated on the idea that there is no such thing as an intelligent Latina.

I don't recall Rush Limbaugh putting it quite that way...

Sentence #5:

My natural reaction is that someone who has never been considered anything less than a beauty has so much privilege that she needs to shut the fuck up about it and let the rest of womankind glory in the moral superiority of having once had braces or frizzy hair or a big ass or whatever.

55 words. Is Amanda guilty of "looks-ism" here? I thought judging womyn purely on the basis was the sole domain of The Patriarchy...

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize For Insensitive Age-ism Combined With Spectacular Stupidity:

Being a stunner her whole life has concealed from Wurtzel the basic fact that everyone fucks, including those of us who aren’t eligible to be fashion models.  Okay, that’s a little unfair---she does seem to also allow that if you lure a man into commitment with your beauty, he’ll hang around and keep on pronging you into your middle age, I guess silently suffering your fading looks.  Though I honestly fail to see why said man would stick around.  Truth is, many people stay sexually active well into their 80s.  That’s a lot of fucking over a lifetime, and I’m more shocked that people don’t get bored and move onto new hobbies more than I am that they can still find each other attractive and exciting into their old age.

Nobody gets stupid in quite the same way as Amanda does.

Sentence #6:

For a long time, the conservative argument has been, “Vote for us and we’ll protect you from the rising tide of intellectuals, non-white people, gays, and women who don’t know their place.  We know that you often feel small and unmanned just because you’re ignorant and fearful of difference, but we’re here to tell you that being ignorant and fearful are the marks of True Manhood.  As proof, we have George Bush, who will show you the outline of his cock through a fighter pilot uniform, to show that he has one.”

93 words. Amanda seems quite penis-centric this week. Beyond that, just which conservatives made this particular argument?

Sentence #7:

Remember that a lot of Bush’s appeal was that he came from West Texas, which is supposed to be the heartland on acid. 

23 words. The "heartland on acid" has a lot of appeal for Republicans? Who knew?

Sentence #8:

You’d think that sort of premise would have a narrow following, but it turns out that if you cobble together people who felt left out of the sexual revolution, the proudly stupid, the racists, and men who live in constant fear that someone’s going to find out that they’re actual pussies, you had enough to put together a coalition that won elections. 

63 or so words. Lots of those very same people voted for Bush, Amanda... Then voted for Obama.

Sentence #9:

Conservative outrage over the article is unhelpful, since they aren’t in the habit of distinguishing between consensual sex and rape themselves, and often aggressively try to blur the distinction, which means they’re easily confused on the subject, even when they know they’re supposed to know the difference, because a cheap partisan gain is on the line.

56 words. Got that?

Sentence #10:

I didn’t see the [Playboy] piece when it came out, because I just wasn’t really in the mood, and less so when some wingnut on Twitter informed me that I needed to quit worrying about minor issues like murder and domestic terrorism, because someone said something nasty about Michelle Malkin, and since Michelle has helpfully tried to ruin my reputation and get me fired in the past, I need to drop everything I’m doing and attend to her defense immediately.

79 words. Actually, Amanda, it was a bit more than saying "something nasty". It had to do with raping ("hatefuck" was the precise term) women when men find them disagreeable on political issues. It would seem to me that if you were in the habit of properly distinguishing between consensual sex and rape, you'd know the difference and be less confused than you appear to be. But then again, cheap partisan gain is on the line, isn't it?

Sentence #10-A:

And by the way there, Lil Missy, if you had half a brain, you'd have realized half of what you write at Pandagon on any given day would get you blacklisted and/or fired by any halfway reputable political organization and/or mainstream media outlet, and you would have never taken the job with the Edwards campaign in the first place. Duh.

Sentence #10-B:

One more question for ya, Mandy: Given the fact that you write about blowjobs on a weekly basis and are in the habit of calling your political opponents "fuckhead", just what sort of reputation do you think you have to ruin?

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For Identification Of Super-Interesting Material One Can't Be Bothered To Read Much Of Because It's Super-Duper Long At 113 Pages And There Aren't Any Pictures And It's Full Of Bible Stuff And It Would Take Too Long To Scan Especially Because Battlestar Gallactica Is Coming On In Twenty Minutes...

A couple of weeks ago, I got my hands on the training manual for the courses that anti-choice group Justice For All uses in its courses.  It’s 113 pages, so I only scanned in about a dozen, because there are only so many hours in the day, and most of the book is workbook stuff and scriptures. But it’s super-interesting stuff, and I wrote about what’s in it in the context of the assassination of Dr. Tiller. 

Given just how important this instance of domestic terrorism was, you'd think Amanda could put in the time to reproduce the document in full, wouldn't you?

Sentence #11:

From watching them extensively (they set up their tables near where I live), I get the strong impression that they like targeting colleges because the women on college are who they believe their target audience to be---young, nubile girls whose young nubility is of utmost importance to anti-choicers, as Jessica Valenti has chronicled in The Purity Myth.

59 words. "Nubility"?

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For Complete Cluelessness...

The flaw in the first analogy should be obvious. Pinning the 9/11 attack on all Muslims is actually like pinning Roeder on all Christians.  No one is doing this.  What we are doing is looking directly at the movement he’s in, and holding them accountable.  This is much closer to holding the Taliban responsible for 9/11. They may not have directly killed people, but they inculcated a specific ideology, set up training camps, built up a culture of violence, and shielded people who openly wanted to be terrorists.

Actually, there are a couple of flaws with Amanda's flaw. First of all, lots of people have spent the last 8 or so years trying to pin 9/11 on allMuslims. Ever heard of Robert Spencer? Pamela Geller? Charles Johnson? Roger L. Simon? Michelle Malkin? David Horowitz? Need I go on? Secondly, I think the appropriate organization for you to be mentioning in terms of responsibility for 9/11 is al-Qaeda, not the Taliban. But then again, that conclusion came from the 9/11 Commission, and what the Hell do they know, eh? 

Vote early, vote often. This week's winner will receive a genuine autographed replica of the very easy to grow at home Andrew Sullivan Undulating Venus Bushtrap!

 

 "Mmm... Nubile nubility..."

Wednesday's This Week's Amanda Sentence...

Sentence #1:

Having had weeks to prepare for Sonia Sotomayor’s nomination to the Supreme Court hasn’t helped Republican hysterics take the time they need to think very carefully about launching attacks (god forbid they should accept that Obama has a right to nominate justices, of course---no matter who it is, they’re going to shit bricks, 100% regardless of the person’s views or qualifications, simply because they just don’t accept Obama’s right to hold office) so that they don’t sound like braindead morons who are too laden down with sexism and racism to even respond coherently to this nomination. 

97 words. Goddamn it, I thought we had a classic 100+ word Amanda Sentence. It's been so long...

Sentence #2:

They’ve got no excuse---26 days is ample time to come up with attacks that aren’t blatantly racist and sexist, even if they are fundamentally racist and sexist.

28 words. I suppose it would never occur to Amanda that if someone is fundamentally racist and sexist, they might not care whether their attacks are either racist or sexist. That's kind of how the whole racist and sexist thingy works.

Sentence #3:

Thanks to reader Catherine for waking me up with a reminder that, as we all suspected he would, Douche-hat is going to give into the urge to use his NY Times column to hump his favorite theme, which is that women are a sick, weird subspecies of human that, while looking human, are simply too disgusting with their girl bits and overwhelming desires to be treated like human beings.

70 or so words. As you might have gathered, Amanda's a bit miffed that she wasn't offered the column the New York Times gave to Ross Douthat. Fortunately, Amanda's handling it with the sort of dignity and class we've come to expect from her.

Sentence #4:

Well, someone’s full of shit.

5 words. That goes without saying, Amanda.

Sentence #5:

If you believe that men and women log in the same number of work hours, and there’s a growing gap between them of happiness, then there’s only one explanation, I’m guessing: women are simps.

34 words. "Simps"? Must be some sort of femnist terminology I've missed along the way...

Sentence #6:

I wish I’d known about this while I was there, or I would have made a special effort to go see the exhibit.

23 words. Can anyone tell me why the word "or" is included in this sentence?

Sentence #7:

Repackaging plain, old-fashioned sexism as if it’s somehow brave and insightful is Slate’s schtick, and they do it because it flatters the sensibilities of people who know, deep down inside, that they’re not rebels, not interesting, and basically reactionary.

40 words. Huh. I thought that was Pandagon's schtick.

Sentence #8:

I’ve worked in a lot of different environments, but one thing I’ve noticed across the board is that single, childless women get promoted a lot faster than mothers, and this is true even in environments where the bosses try to be conscientious of not discriminating.

45 words. That was especially true of the Edwards campaign, what with John out trolling for nookie day and night...

Sentence #9:

The only thing that’s gotten really up my ass is the way the word “terrorist” has crept into the discussion, being used even by liberals and even by Obama, even though the case hasn’t been made against a single Gitmo prisoner in question.

43 words, 3 of them being "even". The word "terrorist" has crept into Amanda's ass? There was a discussion going on in Amanda's ass? Who knew?

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize For The Most Insightful Insight About Gender, Politics And Body Parts...

Gender is a fundamental aspect of politics, and it’s impossible to separate people’s feelings and anxieties about gender from the reasons they vote this way or that.  Specifically, one’s tendency to be a right winger is quite dependent on whether or not someone is into phallic worship, coupled with a strong fear of castration.

How do femnists and progressives repeat this sort of stuff to each other without laughing out loud?

..........

Be sure to vote early and often, and this week, voting will be its own reward.

This Week's Edition Of This Week's Tattooed Amanda Sentence...

Hello, world!

The new, improved and just emerged from bankruptcy Leonard Pinth-Garnell here...

 

... With a pile of sentences straight from everyone's favorite tattooed vegetarian femnist!

Sentence #1:

I have tattoos and spend much of my time on frivolous, humorous activities like music, video games, and bullshitting, but somehow I’m going to be able to muster a judgmental tone and aim it at Naomi Wolf.

37 words. Amanda, we're all aware of the fact that you can be both frivolous and judgmental. It's the very foundation of your career, after all.

Sentence #2:

First of all, condoms (along with all other forms of contraception) are a major threat to the patriarchal order, which is why the Catholic Church and the Christian right are so hell bent on dismantling women’s access to contraception, at least if they’re unmarried.

44 words. If who is unmarried? Women, the Christian Right or the Catholic Church? Which is it? And if contraception is a major threat to The Patriarchy, wouldn't men then avoid condoms? Are femnist wives coming home after a hard day at the office, throwing their objecting husbands on the Marital Bed o' Hell and then forcibly unrolling a Trojan Magnum Twister on the poor guy's member before she rapes him? Or what?

Sentence #3:

Wolf is comparing the second wave revolution-style feminism with the Helen Gurley Brown “girls are doing it for themselves” style feminism, but neither kind of feminism would be possible without reliable and legal contraception.

35 words. Think about that one for a moment.

Sentence #4:

After reading this piece called The 10 Easiest Things Dance Songs Ask of You, I realized that I had previously thought the only way you could tell dance music from non-dance music was the BPMs, the infectious grooves and that fact that people want to dance to it. 

49 words. Let me get this straight: Mandy furrows her brow at age 31 and comes to the realization that the primary difference between dance music and non-dance music is that folks want to dance to dance music, but don't want to dance to non-dance music?

This Week's Alan D. Sokal Award For Clarity Of Expressed Thought:

But it’s also true that the ubiquitous nature of the imperative mood is a factor in determining if what you’re hearing is dance music or not. 

26 words. Indeed. The ubiquitous nature of the imperative mood is a determining factor in so many things these days.

Sentence #5:

If you’ve been following this non-starter of a controversy over President Obama’s commencement speech at Notre Dame---and I say non-starter, because the students, faculty, and staff all want it, with the exception of a small minority of right wing wankers pretending their objection is religious in nature---you’ve been witnessing a first class example of how religion is used as a rationalization for whatever you wanted to believe in the first place.

74 words. Man, can this womyn write.

Sentence #6:

He [Andrew Sullivan] fails to understand that this is Pandagon, and we are professionals at the art of pointless blog warring.

19 words. "...professionals at the art of..."? Actually, I believe the Pandagonians are professionals in the art of pointless blogging.

Sentence #7:

I’m going to be sharing my environmental posts at this brand spanking new community environmentalist blog The Clade, which was started by former Pandagon contributor Chris Clarke.

27 words. Evidently Amanda feels the need to do for environmentalism what she's done for femnism. Good for her.

Sentence #8:

But as Ann Friedman points out, the H1N1 virus pops up near CAFOs, and if we continue to look the other way and refuse to acknowledge the likely link between pig-based viruses and enormous, we might as well be writing a license to agribusinesses who run these things to pollute without fear of any public backlash.

57 words. There is a likely link between pig-based viruses and enormouses? Who knew?

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize For Knowing Your Species...

You can agree with this without becoming the dread vegetarian or animal rights activist.  While it’s true that a lot of veggies and environmentalists have affection for animals and green things that we contrast, at varying levels, to our frustrations with our own species, the truth is that the main reason to be an environmentalist who opposes these horrible CAFOs is that they are a human rights violation.  With that in mind, I’m not going to bore you with horror stories about how the pigs are treated in these factory farms.

Concentrated Animal Feeding Operations (CAFOs) are a human rights violation? Pigs have human rights? Who knew?

..............

Well, that's it for this week. We'd love to give you more, but the Italians haven't sent us their new hybrid fuel cut-and-paste technology, the labor union that is our majority owner won't bend on work rules, and the Obama Administration's team of crack turnaround specialists still can't read more than two Amanda posts at time without passing out.

As usual, post your choice for your favorite Amanda sentence in the comments section. This week's winner will get... A genuine official replica of the Pandagon Tattooed Vagina of Death!

  

"Mmm... Pigs 'n' veggies..."

How Many Femnists Does It Take To Fuck Up A Femnist Wedding?

This is an absolute classic from everybody's favorite dim-bulb femnist, Amanda Marcotte:

Kate Harding and Jessica Valenti both have pieces up defending themselves for marrying, and about the difficulties of crafting a feminist wedding, which are apparently the same exact problems trying to craft an individualistic wedding, which is a mandate that comes down on people just as hard as the one to conform, which creates the industry of everyone copying everyone else’s cute unique touches.*

*For instance, the first time I heard about a “unique” father/daughter dance that involves hilariously breaking from a slow dance to a fast one, I laughed and thought that was actually pretty unique, but a quick perusal of YouTube shows that whoever thought of it first has seen the practice sweep the nation. It’s adorable, of course, but falls short of the individuality mark.

(64 words, not including the 65 word end note.)

It comes from this Amanduh Post over at Pandagon.

First of all, before punishing yourself with a whack of Amanduh Prose, go read the pieces by Amanda's fellow femnist dim-bulbs Kate Harding and Jessica Valenti. Just make sure you don't have any liquid in your mouth, because I can confidently guarantee you it will be on your monitor before you can finish either of these brainfarts.

What's doubly wonderful about Harding and Valenti is (a) just how quickly they ditch their femnist principles when those same principles get in the way of what they want, and (b) just how abjectly silly their rationalizations for said ditching of principles actually are to us sane folk.

Here's some of their nonsense that tickled me the most:

From Valenti...

As I grew up and began identifying myself as a feminist, there were plenty of issues that continued to make me question marriage: the father "giving" the bride away, women taking their husband's last name, the white dress, the vows promising to "obey" the groom. And that only covers the wedding. Once you get married, women are still implicitly expected to do the majority of the housework and take care of any future children...

But never underestimate the power of being in love. Andrew is fabulous and I want to be married to him - due in no small part to the fact that he also identifies himself as a feminist and that an equal partnership is just as important to him as it is to me. So when we decided to get married, we talked about the traditions to avoid (white dress), what to incorporate (both parents walking us both down the aisle) and, of course, how to plan the wedding...

As founder of the website feministing.com, I have written online about everything from vibrators to the form of birth control I use, but I had been worried about blogging about our engagement. When you address personal issues, especially those so fraught with politics, you are sure to cause a stir.

Emboldened, I blogged again - this time about the ways I was incorporating feminism into the wedding. I wrote about keeping my last name and buying a not-quite white dress from a store that gives all the money to charity. I blogged about the struggle Andrew and I had getting engaged in the same month that California overturned same-sex marriage rights. We had actually discussed not getting married until everyone could; instead, we decided to use our impending marriage as a way to talk about same-sex marriage among our friends and family.

And from Harding...

So, boy, do I ever empathize with Jessica Valenti's piece in the Guardian today about trying to plan a feminist wedding. I thought I already had planned one -- in less than a day, even -- but now here I am talking about color schemes, having an ivory silk dress made (I got married in black), and traveling 400 miles to taste mini quiches.

Whether it comes from the right or left, from men or other women, the bulk of the criticism essentially amounts to the same thing: "Ain't no such thing as a feminist wedding, lady. Nice try."

And, you know, there's more than a little truth in that. While Valenti and I and our respective menfolk have made a lot of similar gestures toward having less screamingly anti-feminist wedding celebrations, at the very least -- e.g., skipping any paternal delivery of bride to groom, keeping our names, encouraging guests who ask about gifts to donate to a charity working toward marriage equality -- I know I've already capitulated to tradition a whole lot more than I expected to. I was planning to wear a blue dress for the reception, but then, all of a sudden, nearly white sounded kinda good. I started out with a "Screw etiquette -- it's not like our friends and fam would buy any pretense to elegance from us anyway" attitude, only to lose it when I realized I'd had envelopes printed up with both abbreviations and spelled-out words in the return address. When my dad offered a contribution to the party fund, my husband immediately balked -- and I immediately went, "I'm sorry, are you really suggesting we turn down free money just so we don't have to feel beholden to my father and/or harken back to a tradition in which I'm basically a piece of property changing hands? Because I really don't think you're focusing enough on the free money part."

Why bother with the whole mess, then? Isn't the most feminist solution not to get married at all? Well, sure. "But never underestimate the power of being in love," Valenti writes. "Andrew is fabulous and I want to be married to him -- due in no small part to the fact that he also identifies himself as a feminist and that an equal partnership is just as important to him as it is to me." That's just it. Though plenty of people choose never to marry -- and more power to 'em -- a lot of us just plain want to be married to the people we love.

You can argue that that desire issues mostly from a patriarchal culture constantly shoving its heteronormative values down our throats and ... well, I'll back you up on that, actually. But for a lot of us, even feminists, it's still there and still powerful -- both the desire to get married and the desire to throw a big effin' party to celebrate.

Of course, Amanda has a few thoughts on all this in the post linked above, but since this is not This Week's Amanda Sentence, I'll just leave it to you to mine that vein. It is worth noting that Amanda manages to find a way to cut Harding and Valenti slack for their patriarchal indulgence and still remain true to her femnist principles. It's not quite as bad as her "It's none of my business" excusing of Bill Clinton's and John Edwards' betrayal of their wives, but it comes close.

So, evidently, what all this femnist wedding angst (as opposed to angst about femnist weddings) boils down to is this:

When folks like you and I get married, when I wear a black tux and you a white dress, when we go for champagne and dinner and a band and giving the bride away and name changing and whatever, we're just mindless, unimaginative drones who are slaves to the whole patriarchy mandated male dominance and social conformity thingy.

Whereas...

If you're a femnist, and you get your dumb ass married in a white dress to some male femnist weenie in a black tux, and you throw a free feed with champagne and a band for friends and family to celebrate said heteronormative black tux 'n' white dress wedding, you're still a sensitive, principled femnist who is dedicated to overthrowing The Patriarchy. Especially if you keep your own name and ask everybody else to donate money in support of gay marriage.

Why?

Who the Hell knows. That's just the Way It Is.

Postscript: Any bets on who won't be doing the wedding cake for any of these bimbos? Guess who won't be picking the gowns and tuxedos? (Or helping with the spelling, for that matter...) I think I know who won't be supplying with marital bed for either of the lucky couples.

This Week's Amanda Marcotte Sentence: She's The General Motors of Blogging...

We are saddened to announce that the Big Giant Head has become dissatisfied with the performance of Leonard Pinth-Garnell.

In other words, he's toast as da host...

Sentence #1:

As the prophet of a new but well-attended (in spirit, though not in body) church---the Church of the Mouse and the Discoball---I find the language of my fellows in other religions that have preposterous origin stories to be mystifying when it comes to an insistence that one must “teach the controversy” about that most uncontroversial of claims, that the world as we know it is very old and that life as we know it evolved painstakingly through time. 

80 words. The "Church of the Mouse and the Discoball". Amanda makes a funny.

Sentence #2:

But I believe something equally preposterous, that the world was coughed up in a hairball ejected from the Great Cat, as he was trying to distract the Goddess from making love to her new amour, the Roller Disco King. 

38 words. Amanda makes another funny. Will the mirth ever cease?

Sentence #3:

And the “blame women for everything” has the distinct stench of complete bullshit, emanating as it does from a culture that is suspicious of granting women the power that would allow them to fuck up anything, much less everything.

39 words. Well, let's see. Amanda was fired as John Edwards' campaign blogger after about ten minutes and two posts for anti-Catholic bigotry. Then she published a book that somehow ended up filled with insensitive and racist imagery. Whether we're suspicious to granting women the power to fuck things up doesn't seem to matter: Little Missy's grapped the brass ring and run with it.

Sentence #4:

Creationists, alas, are a more small-brained sort of religious believer, and they believe their own bullshit and are perfectly willing to make complete asses out of themselves denying that the sky is blue when their silly little religion tells them that it’s yellow. 

44 words. Amanda Marcotte writes a sentence like this one above and then can't figure out why the New York Times didn't offer her the slot that ended up going to Ross Douthat (no, I'm not making that up). Nevertheless, you do have to admire Mandy's tolerance and open-mindedness. I know I do.

Sentence #5:

If they had their way, they’d brainwash your kids and make them as stupid as they are, because secretly, they still have wild insecurities about being so stupid and need to swell the ranks. 

34 words. Fortunately for us, Amanda is very smart. In fact, if we didn't have Amanda, who would teach grammar and syntax to all the little children?

Sentence #6:

Matt recently had an interesting post reminding everyone that a lower population has the strong benefit of decreasing the number of people who need to share resources.

27 words. Let me get this straight: Progressives need to be reminded that a lower population means fewer people? Or is this just an Amanda thing?

Sentence #7:

Another thing that seems like it would be great for the economy is cutting that amount of income to so many households, who are already not spending because they don’t have enough money.

33 words. The last word in literary elegance. On a completely underlated note, it appears "households" are now to be regarded as sentient beings. Who knew?

Sentence #8:

Now, I fall on the lower population side, but that has more to do with my environmentalism and the desire for all the children being born to inherit a world that isn’t polluted and unliveable. 

35 words. Isn't that special?

Sentence #9:

But the “more babies” crowd is just setting us up for the most inhumane form of population control, which is the kind that works by killing people off through environmental/economic disaster due to overpopulation.

35 words. Am I the only one who ended up spitting a beverage on their computer screen - due to uncontrolled hilarity - while reading this?

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for Silver Tonguedness:

I figure it’s better not to make people suffer and die needlessly, and so I’m a fan of not making more people than we can provide for.  Which means, alas, that I’m a bleeding heart liberal who cares more about actual people, especially those already living on the margin, than about the Sperm Magic of wingnuts.  How can I think about people who need affordable food when wingnut sperm are dying by the truckload?  I do not know how I came to be this unsympathetic to sperm, but alas, that’s how it is.

Well, at least she passed on the semi-obligatory blowjob reference...

This Week's Special Grand Jury for Most Original Femnist Rationale For Blaming Men For Everything: 

The good news is that my feminism and my concerns about overpopulation work together nicely---we don’t need to violate people’s human rights, because of the aforementioned non-stupidity of your average woman.  We just need to fully empower women to decide how many children they’ll have, and, as history shows, they’ll usually choose to go with as many as they can afford or fewer.

Well, that is good news. We wouldn't want Amanda running around violating people's human rights, now would we? No siree! We wouldn't want her violating peoples' human rights, either...

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for That Which Is Beyond Belief:

In fact, I had mixed emotions about learning that the nudie pic over the phone thing is becoming a standard way for kids to show off to each other and arouse each other.  Like everyone else, I’m not happy that they aren’t thinking about the long-term ramifications, and my heart goes out to teenage girls who are betrayed by boys who give into the urge to score misogyny points with friends by showing off the pictures.  But I’m also reminded that teenage girls seem to have a lot more moxie than girls of my generation were permitted---half the reason I would have been scared to take such a picture would be that I’d be afraid no one would want to look at it. I hope this reflects a growing ownership over sexuality that then translates into more responsible behaviors like condom use.

And what could be more responsible - and reflective of growing ownership of one's sexuality - that sending photos of yourself in your underwear to your friends? Oh yeah, condom use!

Sentence #10:

What really concerns me about this entire situation is that the alarm bells over the “sexting” are distracting from the real problem, which is this prosecutor’s massive abuse of office deployed so that he could go on a full-blown misogynist sex panic in public.

45 words. Someone massively abused an office deployed? That's terrible. By the way, just what is an "office deloyed"?

This Week's Special... Oh, Fuck The Prize:

Remember, 95% of Americans have pre-marital sex. In 2003, 62% of 12th graders were sexually active. And while I have no doubt that some of the people included in these numbers have terrible, depressing sex lives that involve no playing around, showing off, giggling, or otherwise enjoying it, I have to believe that most people actually have sex because it’s fun.  And using technology to flirt with your partners is a routine part of sexual play.  While it’s stupid to include pictures, especially if you’re young and your dating pool is young men who are under a great deal of pressure to demonstrate their contempt for women to their peers, the urge to do this strikes me as so normal as to be banal. 

This from a bimbo who's all concerned about the heartbreak of overpopulation...

Sentence #11:

The worst thing about the utter despair I’m experiencing over the Obama administration’s almost sure-to-screw-the-pooch decision to just keep pouring money into the banks---with pretty much no accountability attached, or plans to nationalize or break them up---is the feeling that if Obama hadn’t been sucked into this disaster plan, he could have a real shot at being a great President.

66 words. Utter despair? Over a bank rescue plan? You've got to be kidding me... Wait a second: There seems to be a pattern emerging... Violent mood swings. Hot flashes. The urge to nest. Just how old is Mandy... Really?

Sentence #12:

Of course, one reason Republicans are worse is they will not only do no damage control, they’d use this economic crisis as an excuse to fuck working people all the more, expand the gap between rich and poor even more, and generally mouth platitudes about saving money while growing the deficit to give money away to rich people without sparing a dime for the rest of us.

67 words. OK, fine. Then shut the fuck up and go with the Obama Adminstration's "almost sure-to-screw-the-pooch decision to keep pouring money into the banks" you were just having utterly despairing cramps about.

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for the Best Paul Krugman Imitation By An Empty-Headed Bimbo:

Not only is the throw-the-money-at-the-bankers solution dangerous, but it’s drawing out the situation, which means that we’re delaying the damage control section of recession coping.  Sure, there was the economic stimulus package, but with the country hemorrhaging jobs by the minute, we’re going to need a lot more support.  And that’s got to happen soon.  Helping people on the ropes is legitimate economic intervention, even though conservatives would deny it to their deathbeds, because, of course, people on the ropes who are helped spend more money, helping kick start the economy.  I feel that’s been forgotten in the past month in all the back-and-forth over the bank bailout situation.

I love it when she gets technical...

That's it for this week. As this segment is in the midst of restructuring, we aren't quite sure if the Big Giant Head will allow us to give away a genuine Pandagon CEO Crusher of Death...

 

 ... to the poor unfortunate who wins this week's contest.

What we can say is this: If we do award one, we'll back it with a really super duper extended warranty!

Amanda Marcotte Explains The Benefits Of Currency Trading, The Benefits Of The Whole One World Currency Thingy And Right Wing Paranoia And/Or Powerlessness...

... And she does so in 107 words.

What I find fascinating about the wingnuts stoking fears about a one world currency how it’s a classic example of how the rich and powerful that conservatism exists for are exploiting the paranoid but often powerless.  Having read Naomi Klein’s book The Shock Doctrine, I’m aware of how currency trading is used a) as another fancy way for rich people to make more money and b) to punish errant countries for perceived slights against capitalism and white supremacy.  I’m sure there’s many reasons to oppose it, some good and some bad, but it’s incredibly relevant that the currency market is used by the powerful to control the not-powerful. 

Most absurd line of 2009, thus far?

Having read Naomi Klein’s book The Shock Doctrine, I’m aware of...

If you're pushing economic analysis based on the work of Naomi Klein, what you're aware of, Missy, is not much.

Amanda Marcotte Explains Why We Should All Worship The Big Giant Head...

...And she does so in one seventy-five word sentence:

It’s not just that he’s black, but also that he’s youthful and cool, he has a smart wife and two daughters (and therefore is easy to view as someone who is a feminist true believer), he was a college professor, he has a funny name, he was from one of the dreaded big cities, he’s obviously smart, he’s obviously got good taste, and he surrounds himself with gadgetry and people who know stuff about technology.  

How does this woman remember to breathe?

The Return of This Week's Amanda Sentence...

Leonard Pinth-Garnell here, and without further ado, so is This Week's Amanda Sentence...

Sentence #1:

Growing a garden to set a trend in economic hard times works better as a symbolic gesture if you believe the administration is going to bat for you instead of rich bankers. 

32 words. Evidently Amanda was unaware of the fact that Michelle Obama started the garden for the express purpose of providing vegetables for rich bankers.

Sentence #2:

Still, I find myself attracted to the project, because I do think vegetable gardening is both fun and a stand against larger trends that have helped get us into this situation.

31 words. That's right. If AIG had been buying securitized vegetable gardens, none of this would have happened.

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for the Funniest Notion of What Should Be Considered Thought-Provoking by Anyone With An I.Q. Over 70:

What impressed me about Harris-Lacewell’s post (besides the thought-provoking analysis of the racial politics of gardening) is that she addressed gardening as a way to lay claim to and promote values that can push back against the soulless materialism that got us into this mess in the first place.

The racial politics of gardening?

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for the Funniest Notion of What Would Restore Meaning to Our Empty, Pathetic Lives Suggested by Anyone With An I.Q. Over 70:

Right wingers claim the patriarchy will save us, that a return to rigid gender roles will be enough to magic meaning into our lives.  Liberals are starting to carve out a more useful tactic, and I think the foodie thing is a big part of it.  Slow food, eating mindfully, cooking blogs---all these things are an attempt to reclaim eating as a space for creativity and meaning. 

Rachel Ray is going to lead us to the promised land? I thought that was Obama's job...

Sentence #3:

Gardening is fun, but it is a form of resistance as well, because as Harris-Lacewell says, it addresses these unmet needs to be creative and to be productive.

29 words. Gardening is a form of resistance? I must have missed that chapter in Rules For Radicals.

Sentence #4:

But it’s also about reimagining the space that you occupy as useful instead of merely status-oriented or decorative.

19 words. What if you're a status-oriented decorative gardener?

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for the Funniest Notion of Why Folks Vote Republican Suggested by Anyone With An I.Q. Over 70:

If anything, I’d say the struggle over women’s rights is actually one reason this country is so deep in manure right now.  Why do I say?  Because without anti-feminism to garner votes from people whose economic interests are better served by Democrats, then there wouldn’t be a Republican party to speak of.

She has discovered the core of the conspiracy... Alert Karl Rove.

Sentence #5:

War-mongering is impossible to pull off without appeals to anxious masculinity and the sad hope that blowing some other country with expensive weaponry will make the National Penis that much bigger.

32 words. This is going to be the thesis of Amanda's next book, War and Piece. The limited first edition will include racially insensitive illustrations of white people shooting negroes. Amanda will be bewildered by the controversy, considering the illustrations really "keen" and "ironic in a retro sense".

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for the Funniest Notion of What the Obama Administration's Bank Rescue Plan is Supposed to be Doing That Has Been Suggested By Anyone With An I.Q. Over 70:

Many things spring to mind about the bothersome assumptions being made by the Obama administration, but above all, I’m concerned about this belief that housing prices must be maintained at the ridiculously high levels they reached during the bubble, no matter what.

The most obvious thing to say here is something along the lines of "What the fuck?", but then it occurred to me that Little Missy must be looking to buy a house... Which would explain the above brainfart.

Sentence #6:

I’m freaked out, because this move makes it clear to me that they’re stuck in the mode of looking at problems from an elitist perspective, and not thinking about what the rest of the country needs. 

36 words. Tough shit, Amanda. You were the one who voted for this elitist, not me...

Sentence #7:

I’m hip to all the problems that deflation causes, believe me, but every time some pundit or politician goes off about it, I tend to think that they’re being super tin-eared, because what they’re failing to understand is that inflation has left your average working American behind, and we need some relief from it.

55 words. Yeah, I'll just bet Amanda is hip to the problems deflation causes...

Sentence #8:

My feeling is that we’re taking a hit on the economy any way you slice it, so why can’t housing costs come down to a point where ordinary people working honest jobs could, you know, buy a house?

38 words. Yep, Little Missy wants her a house. Woman in her early thirties... The Nesting Instinct has hit her.

This Week's Special Grand Jury Prize for the Fewest Words Needed to Demonstrate a Complete Lack of Understanding of Basic Economics:

If they prioritized the issue of affordable housing over the whinging of bankers, I suspect their decisions would be sounder... This is also why I’m repulsed by the idea that all we need to do is make sure there’s more money available for borrowing out there.

Economics 101: If you want the purchase price of a house to decrease, then increase the inventory of houses available to purchase. How does one accomplish such a feat? Make sure the local bank has the money to lend to the local builder wishing to build houses. Why is that idea so elusive for folks like Amanda?

Sentence #9:

That people have to use borrowed money to double their income just, in many cases, to get by means that our economy is built on a big lie, and that means the day of reckoning is inevitable.

36 words. More Econ 101: Borrowed money is not income; it is a cash inflow. There is a difference, and the difference is important. Nevertheless, Amanda's damn sure the financial system needs a fundamental restructuring... She's also sure she knows what must be done.

Sentence #10:

Confession: I’m like the last person in the country to get on board the “Lost” train.

16 words. Funny, it had always appeared to me that she was the first on board, if you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Sentence #11:

And now our economy is going down the toilet on a sea of bad investments and bad credit, and the urge to just wipe it all out and start over is just going to get stronger.

36 words. An unfortunate choice of words leads to some truly unfortunate imagery.

There you go. Given that we haven't done Amanda Sentences in a while, I didn't want to overload you defenses. We'll increase the dosage next week... If you survive this week, that is.

Anyway, remember to vote early and often for your favorite sentence, and as usual, the winner will receive a genuine...

"Mmm... securitized vegetable gardeners..."

... Pandagon Gardens Penis Guy Trap. Plus, as an added bonus... 

    

... We'll throw in the Whack-A-Mole Club of Death (a $14.99 value) absolutely free!

It's Time For A Big Pile Of Amanda Sentences...

Leonard Pinth-Garnell here...

...Bringing you yet another installment of Bad Femnist Blogging: The Amanda Marcotte Edition.

Sentence #1:

A rape culture is a funhouse mirror version of the anti-choice culture’s attitudes about abortion.

16 words. I defy anyone to make sense of the above sentence.

Sentence #2:

Anti-choice sentiment is part of the rape culture, of course, because like rape apologists, anti-choicers view women as subhuman and our bodies as eligible for being commandeered for others to their own ends.

35 words. Of course it would never occur to Amanduh that equating the act of rape and the idea that abortion is immoral might - just maybe - completely trivialize the seriousness of rape. Now would it?

 Sentence #3:

But what’s fascinating is whether or not a rape victim’s account is given social weight by being collaborated by a Be-penised American, the same slurs come out as would if rape apologists thought they could get away with calling the victim a liar.

44 words. "Be-penised"?

Sentence #4:

Of course, I’m a fun-killing feminist who thinks all rape makes you a suck-ass rapist who should go to jail. 

22 words. Planet Amanda appears to be a very scary place indeed.

Sentence #5:

The sperm-worshipping crowd managed to sneak in a victory almost under the radar yesterday when the state house of North Dakota passed what will probably prove to be a complete ban on abortion, and quite possibly on most female-controlled types of contraception.

44 words. Given how much time Amanda spends writing about blowjobs, I just assumed she was part of the "sperm-worshipping crowd". Maybe this means there's more than one.

Sentence #6:

I say that this about sperm vs. women, because men will still have full legal rights to tell their sperm where to go and what to do.

27 words. I not sure what is funnier... The notion that Amanda thinks sperm are trainable, or the notion that men can take non-complying sperm into a court of law.

Sentence #7:

But while sperm don’t really have intentions in the human sense, they’re perceived as having purpose, and these laws are about making sure women have no way to interfere with the sperm’s purpose once the man has relinquished control.

39 words. Hey, if we've trained our sperm, we wouldn't need to relinquish control, now would we?

Sentence #8:

The injection of the person of the pregnant Bristol Palin in the ongoing debates over sex and whether or not women are fully human was a divisive thing---it separated the wingnut base from the rest of us who don’t have the energy or desire to obsess over forced pregnancy as the ideal way to get women in line.

59 words. "The injection of the person of the pregnant Bristol Palin..."? How about "The injection of the pregnant Bristol Palin..."? Is there some Amanda Rule of Writing that requires one to use twice as many words as necessary in the most confusing manner possible to entertain one's readers?

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For Absolute Proof That No Matter What The Context, And No Matter How Much You Familiarize Yourself With Her, Amanda Marcotte Really Is Disgusting:

Not just that it’s wrong to conflate disgusting with wrong, but the concept of disgusting is very context-dependent.  If you familiarize yourself with something, it’s less disgusting.  So anal sex turns your stomach the first time you hear about it, but as you grow used to the idea, it’s no big deal.  Sex in general loses a lot of the disgust response as you grow used to it.  Masturbation isn’t disgusting if you don’t think of it as disgusting.  But even then, all this is context-dependent.  If you encountered any of these behaviors in a public bathroom by accident, you’d be disgusted, most likely.

Evidently blowjobs just don't make it any more...

The Week's Grand Jury Prize For Absolute Proof That We Don't Find Amanda Marcotte Either Disgusting Or Morally Inferior Because She Shaves Her Legs... We Find Her Disgusting And Morally Inferior Because She Spends Inordinate Amounts Of Time Discussing Oral And Anal Sex:

Of course, all this means that women have traditionally been portrayed as morally inferior by dwelling on the idea that our bodies are more disgusting.  Which causes a real moral quandary, because every time I shave my legs, I’m contributing to a society that argues that women are more disgusting, therefore women are less moral.  But of course, it has a lot more functions than just that, so I suspect I’ll keep the habit up. 

You go, girl!

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For Absolute Proof That Not Matter How Disgusting Amanda Marcotte Can Be With All The Oral Sex References And The Anal Sex References, She Can Still Reach Back And Pull Out Something Even More Disgusting... In This Case The Image Of President Obama Urinating On His Fellow Citizens:

Under Republicans, Congress voted on most of its important legislation at 2 or 3AM so that it wouldn’t be covered by the media, and used the daylight hours to name post offices and give awards to Little League teams.  After behavior like that, Republicans should be lucky to have a voice in the proceedings at all, and they should be honored that Barack Obama is such a big person that he’s trying to reach out to them, instead of just piss in their faces in revenge.

It's somewhat amazing that she hasn't found work as a speech writer. Kind of brings a whole new meaning to the idea that the words should flow across the page...

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For Willful Forgetfulness:

 Instead, they’ve done what the Democrats never did, which was openly set out to make sure that the country goes to shit under a President so they can hold him accountable and get re-elected into power.  Imagine if the Democrats had openly stated that they hope the war and the economy go to shit under Bush so that they can win.  Just imagine the outrage.

Yeah, just imagine...

Sentence #9:

The first three rules of writing fiction are: 1) Show, don’t tell. 2) Don’t indulge exposition. 3) Seriously, exposition just comes across as lazy.

21 words. I'll just bet she meant to say "Don't indulge in exposition". Then again, Amanda's Next Three Rules For Writing Anything are: 1) Grammar? 2) Syntax? 3) Proofread?

Sentence #10:

There’s a couple of links I want to toss up tonight, because I think these are troubling indicators that armchair evo psych “theories” about how women are biologically inferior to men have become so ingrained in our consciousness, that half-baked pseudo-science evolutionary just-so stories don’t have to be made up at all.

55 words. Make sense of that, if you dare. The funny part? I'm pretty sure that she didn't mean to imply we could start using true half-baked pseudo-science evolutionary just-so stories... Which is exactly what she did.

The Week's Grand Jury Prize For Unintentional Hilarity:

Invariably, when I write about this issue, I get accused of thinking that humans didn’t evolve at all.

18 words. Actually, when Amanda writes about most issues, many of us tend to come to the conclusion that not all humans have evolved at the same rate...

Sentence #11:

Which is, of course, complete nonsense that is wielded by people who are too emotionally invested in proving these stereotypes to see the big gaping holes that occur when you make claims above evolved traits with no real proof to back it up, in a society where there are often millions of pieces of evidence for the social conditioning theory.

60 words. It takes a special sort of genius to write a 60 word incomplete sentence.

Sentence #12:

But what really bothers me is that people have fallen so far into the habit of thinking all differences or behaviors must be biological and genetic in origin, that you almost never see anyone confront some of the otherwise obvious issues, like women often lose their desires because, as I put it in the article, “women feel overworked, underpaid, underappreciated, understimulated, and shamed about their bodies.”

66 words. Then again, maybe their partners spend all their time rambling on about blowjobs, anal sex and pissing in other people's faces. No wait...

Sentence #13:

To point out that women’s lowered libidos are the direct result of being tapped out and understimulated suggests solutions that will unnerve a lot of men and challenge male power---more balance in sexual imagery, less bullying women about their bodies, more social permission for female libidos that makes some men fear infidelity, more men picking up housework and treating women with more respect, and even direct changes to what you do in bed so that it’s not all penis-centered.

81 words. "Penis-centered"?

Sentence #14:

I realized yesterday that I’ve been in this world for five years now, which means that I was around when we liberal bloggers felt like a small group of outrageous dissenters pushing back against the insanely huge and disturbed right wing blogosphere, which means that I had to witness all their bloviating about how they were “citizen journalists” who would topple the evil liberal media by blogging a lot about how awesome and manly they were sitting behind their computers wearing camouflage pajamas to “support” the troops.

87 words. Stop playing victim, will you? We all had to listen to Raj, OK?

Sentence #15:

I bring this up, because as a blogger you occasionally get some baffling hostility from mainstream media reporters (never from the alternative press, though), and I think it’s because they sort of lump all bloggers together as their enemies, because right wing bloggers actually declared themselves as such.

48 words. Then again, it could just be that they are offended by the brutal murder of the English language.

Sentence #16:

And liberal bloggers criticize the media relentlessly, so it’s no wonder journalists often think we’re all in the same boat, and frankly I think that’s one reason that mainstream media sources were glad to dogpile myself and Melissa McEwan two years ago without doing things like checking up on the Catholic League to find out what they were really about.

60 words. The fact that the Catholic League was the messenger wasn't the issue, Amanda. The fact that John Edwards was stupid enough to hire two viciously anti-Catholic bloggers to work on his presidential campaign was the issue...

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For Coming Up With Something Even More Disgusting Than The Other Disgusting Stuff:

Like if I saw a bloody tampon laying on the sidewalk and felt disgust, does that really have to mean that I’ve got internalized misogyny against women and our body functions?  No.  It’s just gross.

Of course, if I - as a man - wrote a post that I was disgusted by seeing a bloody tampon on the sidewalk, Amanda Marcotte would be the very first to accuse me of misogyny against women and attempting to shame them for their perfectly natural body functions. Am I right?

The Week's Grand Jury Prize For Coming Up With Something Even More Disgusting Than The Other Disgusting Thing That Was Even More Disgusting Than The Other Disgusting Stuff:

But the fact that people confuse the two emotions---moral outrage and disgust---is fascinating.  And it seems like it’s an accident of evolution, actually.  Morality had to evolve out of pre-existing emotions, I suspect, and instead of piggybacking on anger or grief, moral outrage appears to have evolved out of disgust.  Last night I was walking down the street and walked by a woman whose dog was shitting on the sidewalk, and when she quite responsibly picked up the poop, I smelled it and my face wrinkled up into the disgust expression involuntarily, and she looked at me, and I felt bad, because for a moment, I worried she thought I was disapproving of her when in fact I appreciated that she cleaned up after her dog.  Moral outrage looks like disgust and vice versa.

Wonder what she and her boyfriend discuss over dinner, don't you?

Sentence #17:

But wouldn’t it be awesome if we could distinguish easily between the two emotions?

14 words. Yes. It would be totally awesome.

This Week's Grand Jury Prize For The Essay Most Likely To Be Read During Open Mike Night At A Nightclub Named "The Ramrod":

I think a lot of our culture war issues exist strictly because it’s easy to disgust people with things they aren’t familiar with, and from there you can make them feel morally outraged about it.  It’s really obvious how homophobes do this. They exploit a lot of people’s anxieties about sex acts they don’t understand and therefore find disgusting, like anal sex, and then allow that disgust to substitute for sound moral judgments. If they could step back from it and realize that even if anal sex does and always will disgust them, it doesn’t make it wrong. 

That may be true, but it still seems Amanda will always be both disgusting and wrong.

Gadzooks! How many of you feel like you need seven showers and your mind washed out with soap?

If you haven't attacked your computer with a ball peen hammer, passed out cold, or run screaming from the room, feel free to vote for either the least or most disgusting and/or morally outrageous sentence we've thrust upon you.

As always, this week's winner will receive a genuine Pandagon Anal Sex Toy Of Death™...

 

...Personally signed by Amanda Marcotte. And...

 

"Mmm... Moral outrage..."

...A genuine Pandagon Vagina O' Death Combination Butt Plug and Bottle Opener™.